


Starry Night

by Justanaveragewriter1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Books, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sirius Black, Gryffindor, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Forbidden Forest, Hurt/Comfort, Ice Skating, Invisibility Cloak (Harry Potter), Libraries, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Magic, Marauders, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Romance, School, Slytherin, Stars, Werewolf Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-08 08:13:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21472849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justanaveragewriter1/pseuds/Justanaveragewriter1
Summary: Remus Lupin doesn't trust himself. But maybe Sirius Black can help. As Voldemort's forces gain strength in the world, the Marauders (minus Peter;) end up stuck at Hogwarts for Christmas. It's going to be a holiday they'll always remember, if only Remus can let true love run its course. This is a story about learning to trust, coming to terms with yourself, and the night sky. UPDATES WEEKLY!
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

_ I'm not scared of the dark _

_ I'm not running, running, running _

_ No, I'm not afraid of the fall _

_ I'm not scared, not at all _

_ Why would a star, a star ever be afraid of the dark? _

Remus Lupin looked up from his notes and sighed. 

He stood up, stretching his legs, and walked over to look out the window of the Gryffindor common room. 

Snow flurried outside, blanketing the grounds with sparkling white, and students milled about, laughing and throwing snowballs. 

It was nearly Christmas break. Students had already started heading home for the holidays, Peter Pettigrew had left that morning. 

Remus felt like the only student in Hogwarts studying. 

“Still studying Moony?” echoing his thoughts, a grinning Sirius Black emerged from the staircase leading up to the boys dormitory, and gracefully sank into the striped armchair next to the one Remus had just abandoned. 

“I don’t know why I’m the  _ only _ one studying,” Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius and smiled, walking over and settling back into his own chair, the floor around it covered in pages of neatly written, slightly crumpled notes and meticulously bookmarked textbooks, “I seem to recall one of us failing the last charms exam.”

“And I forgive you for it Remus,” Sirius said with a generous smile, “we can’t all be as good at charms as I am.”

Remus chucked his textbook at Sirius, but Sirius sent it spinning away with a lazy flick of his wand. 

“You know Flitwick’s loved me ever since I stopped a cat from eating his owl in third year.

“Wasn’t that the same year McGonagall described you in your end of year report as ‘shockingly lazy?’”

“She began that sentence with the words ‘gifted  _ but _ ,’!” Sirius objected, “So if you think about it it was overall complimentary.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but the corner of his mouth still curled up in a smile.

“Why aren’t you outside with the other Gryffindors?” Remus asked, picking up his Charms notes and quill.

“Maybe there’s only one Gryffindor I want to spend time with right now.” Sirius winked.

“Flattering,” Remus was gazing fixedly at his notes, but a slight blush spread across his cheeks, “but maybe you should go bother James instead. I can’t imagine that he’s worried about the exams next month.”

“All too true. But I’ve been avoiding him today because he won’t shut up about what to get Lily Evans for Christmas to finally convince her to go out with him.”

“Perfume?”

“He said it was cliche.”

“A necklace.”

“Unoriginal.”

“New potion vials to replace the ones he knocked off her table in class last week?”

“That’s better than what I came up with,” Sirius chuckled, “I told him he should buy her spell-o-tape and write ‘to repair my broken heart’ on it.”

“My God, that’s awful.”

“I know,” Sirius smiled gleefully, “and the best part is that I think he might just be desperate enough to try it!”

Remus pointedly shuffled his notes, scratching in a few more lines with his quill.

“I really do need to study Padfoot. Professor McGonagall always says Sixth year marks lay the groundwork for N.E.W.T level work.”

“Fine, I’ll be quiet, but it’s rather comfortable here so don’t think I’m moving.”

A companionable silence settled between the two of them, interrupted only by the scratching of Remus’s quill and the crackling of the fire.

After a quarter of an hour had passed, Remus glanced up. Sirius was sprawled out, somehow elegantly, in the armchair, eyes closed.

“Are you sleeping?” Remus whispered curiously.

“No,” Sirius replied instantly, eyes still shut, “just waiting for my stupid friend to finish his entirely unnecessary studying, seeing as he already knows the textbook cold.”

“I do not!” Remus objected.

“Fine then, what wizard invented the cheering charm?”

“Oswald Herrington in 1847.” Remus replied instantly, then blushed.

“My mistake, you obviously know nothing.” Sirius said, grinning mischievously, as he opened his eyes and sat up, “Are you finished then?”

“Probably never.” Remus said moodily.

“Even though you know everything.”

“I know nothing.”

“God, you’re really insufferable when it comes to studying. You know that, don’t you?”

“I told you you’d have more fun with James.”

“Maybe I’m not looking to have fun with James.”

Remus felt his face flush. 

“I like bringing home good marks for my parents,” he said finally, “you know that.”

“They really care that much?” Sirius looked skeptical.

Remus was silent for a moment. “Maybe it’s not so much that they care, as much as that I care.” he said slowly, “I haven’t turned out to be the son they were hoping for in a lot of ways…” he looked away from Sirius who was watching him intently, and instead glanced out the window, his gaze fixed on the gently falling snow outside the ice frosted pane, glinting in the late afternoon sun, “I guess...I guess I just want to make them proud in ways I still can.”

There was another moment of silence.

“You know that’s ridiculous don’t you?” Sirius said, sounding annoyed.

Remus still refused to meet his eyes.

“Honestly, I’m being serious,” he said hotly, “and look at me!” He reached out and gently tilted Remus’s face back up towards his until their eyes met. 

“It’s impossible for them  _ not _ to be proud of you. You’re funny, and smart, and hard working, and kind. Deeply kind. You’re the best of us all and I can’t stand it when you refuse to see that in yourself!” He let go of Remus’s face, but they remained staring at each other.

After a minute, a blushing Remus shook his head, as though waking up from a dream, and got to his feet, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

“We’d better get to dinner if we want to get any shepherd's pie.”

“You’re impossible,” Sirius growled, “I need to give you lessons in how to take a compliment, because you’re supposed to say ‘thank you,’ or at the very least acknowledge them. Trust me, I’m a highly complimented individual so I know.”

The two boys set off down the corridor, the flickering light of torches illuminating the rapidly darkening castle. 

Garlands of holly and mistletoe twined around the banisters of the stairs, and the suits of armor shouted out verses of Christmas carols as they passed. If there was one thing Hogwarts excelled at, it was celebrating Christmas in style.

They turned a corner to see Peeves throwing baubles at unsuspecting first years and cackling madly. 

“This way,” Sirius pushed aside a swinging tapestry to their left as a bauble smashed near their feet, and they dodged inside, avoiding the chaotic corridor.

They entered the Great Hall to the loud clamor of dinner, the smells of heaping platters of food filling the air.

“Over here!” a voice called out from the Gryffindor table, they turned to see James Potter beckoning them over.

“Find a present for Lily then?” Remus inquired, sliding into the seat next to James.

“I suppose Sirius has filled you in on my quest then,” James said, glumly heaping mashed potatoes onto his fork, “I honestly think I’m going with the spell-o-tape at this point.”

“Hmm,” Remus spooned some shepherd's pie onto Sirius’s plate first, and then his own, “I think you could do a bit better than tape.”

“Got any ideas for me then?”

“Well...isn’t the next trip Hogsmeade tomorrow? Maybe we can find something then.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” James brightened, “good idea.”

“You won’t be too busy studying to come with us?” Sirius turned to Remus, one eyebrow raised.

“Maybe I’ve studied enough for now.” Remus offered a small smile.

“Remus? Done studying?” a laughing voice cut in from behind them.

Remus turned to find himself staring into the striking green eyes of Lily Evans, fellow prefect and James’s longtime crush.

“Does that mean you’re finally conceding top of the class to me?” she put a hand on her hip and tilted her head to the side, her vivid red hair brushing her shoulder.

“If I conceded what fun would your victory be?” Remus grinned, “you know we’ll be tied until the bitter end, at which point Dumbledore will have to cut the Bathilda Bagshot academic excellence award in half and give it to both of us.”

“Well I suppose that wouldn’t be too bad.” Lily winked, “I guess this means you remember the banishing charm?”

“Depulso.” Remus shot back.

“Ah well, I’ll get the best of you soon.” laughing, she walked back to the other end of the table where her friends sat.

“Why didn’t you ask her to stay?” James hissed, looking anguished.

“Her friends are sitting over there,” Remus calmly continued eating, well used to James’s infatuation at this point.

“I thought the two of you being prefects together would be an ‘in’ for me, but it’s been more than a year and still nothing.” James said grumpily.

“Ah lay off it James,” Sirius poured himself a glass of pumpkin juice, “at least she’s civil with you this year. Last year she outright hated you.”

James slumped over resting his head on the table, the image of defeat. 

“We’d better find something good in Hogsmeade tomorrow.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Welcome to chapter 2! If you're enjoying this story, please leave your comments and thoughts. Reviews feed souls;)

The previous day’s snowfall crunched beneath their feet as they followed the twisting path that led away from the castle and towards the village of Hogsmeade. In the distance, they could just see columns of smoke rising from the chimneys of the bustling village shops. 

About halfway there, as James and Sirius bickered about who owned a better broom, Remus’s teeth began to chatter. He’d always been sensitive to the cold, a fact he was a bit embarrassed about since, as a werewolf, he thought he should be tougher about such things. 

He shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his cloak, hoping his friends wouldn’t notice.

He wished he still had his scarf, but he’d accidentally shredded it the last time he’d transformed into a wolf. He was usually so careful about not being near any of his possessions when he transformed, but it had just been so cold last time he’d been inside the secret rooms in the whomping willow, and he’d thought he’d have enough sense of the oncoming transformation to take the scarf off in time (he hadn’t).

Maybe he’d buy a new scarf today in Hogsmeade. He had a few carefully saved sickles with him, but he’d been hoping to use them to buy Christmas presents for James, Sirius, and Peter. 

He knew that money was tight for his parents this winter. Nobody wanted to hire the parents of a werewolf, he thought a touch bitterly. 

His secret had remained safe at Hogwarts, but the small wizarding community he’d grown up in was too small for it to stay hidden when he’d been bitten by a werewolf as a child.

The stigma of the bite had left his family isolated and poor. His mother’s friend group had dwindled, and his father still hadn’t gotten the long-awaited promotion he deserved within the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures at the Ministry. 

Lost in thought, teeth still chattering, he started when something soft slid around his shoulders, as they turned the corner to enter the village.

Sirius, still arguing with James, had gently draped his crimson wool scarf around Remus’s neck. 

Remus glanced over at Sirius and smiled.

James pushed the door open to Honeydukes, the warm smell of chocolate and the chattering voices of excited students washing over them. 

“D’you think she’d fancy some hearty hearts?” James asked anxiously, examining a heart shaped box of chocolates, “they beat even after you’ve swallowed them, so maybe it’ll remind her of me?” 

“Absolutely not,” Sirius snatched the box out of his hands and set it back on the display, “who the hell wants their chocolate beating inside their stomach? You have to wonder who invented some of these sweets.”

“I d’know,” Remus grinned, “I’ve always been pretty partial to cockroach clusters.”

“Well then don’t be surprised to find some in your stocking on Christmas morning.” Sirius said, smiling wickedly.

James had drifted towards the boxes of acid pops, “you’ve burned a hole in my heart,” he muttered to himself, fingering one thoughtfully.

“And that’s also going to be a no,” Sirius pulled him away by the hood of his cloak, “I’m going to have to advise you against any displays of love that involve injuring yourself for the sake of Lily’s attention. It’s not a smooth look.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” James rumpled his hair into even greater disarray, matching the miserable expression on his face. “I just...I just never thought being in love would feel like  _ this _ . It’s absolutely miserable. She’s practically all I can think about, I’m desperate for her to even glance my way, and when I try to fall asleep at night I just end up listing the thousand times I’ve behaved like an absolute prat in front of her.”

“Unfortunately with you, that’s a pretty long list,” Sirius patted James’s shoulder sympathetically, offering him a piece of maple chocolate he’d broken off the display.

James glared at him while Remus laughed.

Sirius paid for a hefty bag of sweets, and they exited the shop, their breath coming in puffs in the clear, bright day.

“Honestly…” James started and then stopped, looking down as they walked towards Zonkos.

“What?” Remus prodded. 

“Sometimes I wonder if this is  _ it _ . If anything will ever happen between me and Lily. This might be as far as our story together gets. Me pining hopelessly after her. Her ignoring me - rightly so - because I am often an absolute idiot, and then that’s it. We graduate. Go our separate paths. School memories fading distantly behind us. For the past two years I’ve been so caught up thinking about the two of us. But sometimes...sometimes I think there might never  _ be _ a ‘two of us.’”

They continued walking, other groups of students milling around them, talking and laughing.

Remus reached over and patted James’s shoulder, unsure of what to say. 

Lily and James had something of a contentious history. James had fancied her practically since their first year, and had acted on those feelings by showing off and swaggering whenever she was nearby.

It was only in the last few months that he’d become a bit more clear-headed about the whole thing. 

They’d all grown up in the past year, really. 

Death Eater attacks had grown increasingly frequent over the past year. James’s own grandparents had been killed over the summer on their way to the Ministry to testify in a trial against Theodore Nott, a neighbor of theirs who had been placed under arrest and alleged to be a Death Eater. The dark wizard who’d killed them still hadn’t been caught.

It was this loss more than anything that had changed James in the past few months. He had loving parents, was good at sports, had always been popular - nearly everything in his life had come easily to him. Confronting his grandparent’s death had been one of the first truly difficult things he’d had to encounter in his life, and it had changed him. 

He was quieter, more thoughtful. He wrote home to his parents more often. Perhaps most importantly, he’d completely stopped bullying Severus Snape, a fellow sixth-year in Slytherin with whom he’d shared a mutual loathing from the first time they’d set eyes on each other on the Hogwarts express.

In a society marked by fear and violence, perhaps he’d finally realized that he didn’t want to add to that hatred. At least, that was Remus’s theory. 

“Chin up mate,” Sirius said sympathetically, “you’re much less of an idiot in front of her this year, she’s bound to notice that eventually. Besides,” he added bracingly, “you’ve got us marauders - whad’you need a girl for anyways?”

“Hmm I don’t know,” James said musingly, “maybe for things like  _ snogging _ ? Unless you’re offering Padfoot?” he turned to Sirius with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Don’t pretend I wouldn’t be amazing,” Sirius shot back, “but sorry James, I’m just not sure you’re my type.”

“Well, then who  _ do _ you like?” James pressed, “practically every girl in the school fancies you. There must be  _ one _ of them who could meet your ridiculously high standards. Is it Emmeline Vance? Mary Caldwelder?”

Sirius shrugged mysteriously, “Let’s just say I’ve got my eye on someone special, and I’m waiting to see if they feel the same way.”

Remus blushed, and shrugged Sirius’s scarf up higher to hide his face, hoping James wouldn’t notice. 

Was it possible that Sirius was talking about  _ him _ ?

He and Sirius had always bantered with each other, enjoyed a special closeness when the other two weren’t around, but in the past few months, it had begun to feel increasingly like they were  _ flirting _ . 

That was the awkward thing about falling in love with your best friend, it was so hard to know whether it was all just in your head, or if there really was something  _ more _ going on. The boundaries between friendship and love could become blurry. 

Besides, he tried to clear his thoughts, it was absurd to think that Sirius might fancy  _ him _ . Not when Sirius, dark, mysterious, and gorgeous, could have his pick of anyone in the school (boy or girl). 

No, he, Remus, was aggressively average, and it was ridiculous to think that Sirius might like an anxious werewolf who’d never be able to make much of himself in life. Because that was the problem, wasn’t it? No matter how long he studied or how hard he worked, he’d never be able to escape himself - and that self would always be a werewolf. 

Again lost in thought, he barely noticed when they reached Zonkos. He listened with one ear as James and Sirius debated the various merits of stink bombs versus dung pellets, throwing in a half hearted comment every few minutes whenever the conversation seemed to demand his participation.

“I’ve got to go to the post office,” James said finally, glancing at his watch, “I’m waiting for my parents to send me my train ticket home for Christmas. Do you lot want to come with me? Or shall we all just meet at The Three Broomsticks when I’m done?”

“Meet us at The Three Broomsticks,” Sirius tugged on a striped crimson and gold hat as they prepared to step into the cold again, “I’ll order us some mulled cider so it’ll be ready by the time you’re done.”

James headed left towards the post office, and Remus and Sirius turned right, the wind whipping against them as they shouldered their way through the cold. 

“So…” Remus began hesitantly, he’d been trying to find a good time to bring this up with Sirius, “you’re not going home with James for Christmas?” 

Sirius was like a second son to the Potters, and he’d gone home with James every Christmas starting their second year. As the only Gryffindor in a family of Slytherins, Sirius had a difficult and often confrontational relationship with his own family.

“No,” Sirius answered glumly, “I talked it over with James a month or two ago. After everything that happened with his grandparents this year, his parents need a quiet holiday with just their family. I completely understand...it’s just,” he scuffed his shoe moodily against the ground, “they always treat me like I’m their son, and it’s times like these that I remember that I’m not. I never really will be.” he laughed bitterly, “at least my real parents don’t have to put up with their disappointment of a son either. Thank God Hogwarts lets students stay over the holidays.” 

After a moment he softened slightly, glancing over at Remus, “It’ll be brilliant getting to spend the holiday with you though. I can’t believe it’s our first Christmas together.”

“I know,” Remus said dryly, “my parents couldn’t have picked a better Christmas to go visit my sick grandmum in the country.” 

They’d originally planned on having Remus come with them, but Remus had pleaded an excess of homework, and told them he didn’t mind spending Christmas at Hogwarts. Privately, he knew that having to pay for his train ticket as well as their own would have been too difficult. They were barely scraping along as it was. 

Besides, he could think of worse things than spending the holiday with Sirius. He smiled softly to himself.

“I’m sorry you’re not going home with James,” he said, as they reached the Three Broomsticks, “but I think we’re going to have a good time together.”

“Me too.” Sirius’s devilish smile was once more on his face.

He pushed open the door and the cheerful din of the noisy pub wafted over them. They stepped inside, the warmth smarting against their cold cheeks.

Remus settled himself into a quiet booth in the corner, while Sirius headed over to the counter to order their cider.

A moment later, Lily Evans slid into the seat beside Remus, her cheeks still flushed from the cold.

“Hi,” she said smiling, “I saw you sitting here all alone and I couldn’t resist joining you,”

“Sirius is just at the counter, and James should be here in a few minutes, but thanks!” He grinned back, and glanced over at Sirius.

His smile slowly faded, Sirius was still at the counter, but he appeared to be deep in conversation with a very pretty snub-nosed and freckled witch with wavy blonde hair. Sirius laughed at something he said, and Remus felt his stomach clench, as he saw her reach out and rest her hand on Sirius’s arm.

“Well, I’ll leave you lot to it then,” Lily stood up to leave, “Alice and Mary should be here soon to meet me.”

“No! Stay!” Remus said, suddenly fierce. If Sirius was going to talk to a girl than why shouldn’t he? 

“All right…” Lily said slowly, sitting back down and looking at him curiously. She glanced over and saw Sirius, “ah,” she said sympathetically, and pushed her flagon of butterbeer towards Remus. 

He took a grateful sip, the buttery warmth of it spreading throughout his body, making him feel slightly better.

“Thanks,” he pushed it back towards her. “What are you doing for Christmas?” he asked, determined not to look at Sirius blatantly flirting with  _ that girl _ . 

“Oh, I’m going home.” Lily answered.

“Well that’ll be nice, won’t it?” Remus didn’t know much about Lily’s family except that they were muggles.

“I suppose,” Lily rolled her eyes, “my older sister Petunia’s been unbearably stuck up ever since she started university though. Still it’ll be nice to be with my family. I bought them these,” She held up a heavy Honeydukes bag, “My Mum and Dad love magical things, they can’t get enough of Sugar Mice and Chocolate Frogs. Think they’re absolutely adorable. Petunia hates magic though, so I got her this.” she pulled out a plain, black notebook, “The calendar page changes to reflect the day’s weather, but it was the most normal thing I could find around here.” She shrugged, “What about you?”

“Oh, I’ll be staying in school,” he tried to sound casual, “I want to get a head start on the work for next term.”

“Besides,” he added, trying to sound slightly less pathetic, “Sirius will be staying in too.”

“That’s right,” She gave him a scrutinizing look, “He isn’t going to Potter’s house this year, is he.”

“No, his parents wanted a quiet holiday after...everything that happened with his grandparents.”

They fell uncomfortably silent for a moment. Tragedy had become nearly commonplace among Hogwarts students, but that didn’t make it less awkward to discuss.

“He’s changed, hasn’t he?” Lily said abruptly.

“Who, James?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think you can go through something like that and  _ not _ change.” Remus shrugged, “sometimes it’s the bad stuff that reveals who we really are, deep down.” 

“Yes, I suppose that’s true…” Lily seemed lost in thought.

Remus eyed her closely...was it possible...could it be...that she was starting to see James differently?

“He’ll be here soon you know,” he tried to sound casual, “in case you want to have a drink with all of us.”

“Well,” Lily sounded unsure, “I don’t see what could be the harm in that.” She glanced around, “I have no idea where Mary and Alice have gone off to, so I might as well wait with you.”

They chatted for a few more minutes, Remus glancing over every so often at Sirius and the girl who, infuriatingly, he was  _ still _ talking to. 

He’d always liked talking with Lily, she was easygoing, smart, funny. They sometimes studied together for exams, and they’d been neck and neck for top of the class since their first year. 

Her brilliance came naturally to her though, whereas Remus’s good marks mostly stemmed from hours of hard work and practice. 

It was hard to resent her for it though, as she was always the first to lend him notes or offer to study with him on those occasional days when he missed class after the full moon - too ill from the residual effects of his transformation to attend. 

Perhaps best of all, she’d never once asked him about his mysterious absences, never even displayed the slightest flicker of curiosity, although he was sure she must have wondered. 

They were in the middle of discussing Slughorn’s last potions exam in great detail when Sirius finally sauntered over, his hands full of mugs of hot cider.

“Move over,” he said, grinning at Remus.

Remus slid over in the booth, but didn’t return the smile.

“Like I was saying Lily,” Remus turned back to her pointedly, “I thought it was clever to ask us to list the ingredients for draught of the living dead because in listing them you have to be sure to include the fact that the dandelions  _ have _ to be picked under the full moon-”

“Sirius,” she cut him off, “who was the girl you were talking to?”

Remus glared at her, but she just raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, the blonde one?” Sirius languidly took a sip of his cider, “Her name’s Cynthia. I heard her mention that she’s an auror with the ministry. I was trying to talk her up, because firstly, I wanted her to buy me a firewhisky, and secondly, I wanted to know if the auror department was accepting any new recruits.”

“And did you get your firewhisky?” Lily asked eagerly.

“Obviously not,” Sirius sighed, “right when she was about to order it for me, Nigel Barker walked up and told me that McGonagall had asked him to remind me that I have two outstanding detentions with her that I have to do before Christmas. The stupid prat clearly can’t read a room. And Cynthia was a bit horrified to learn that I was sixteen.”

Lily roared with laughter, and Remus, unable to help himself, joined in. 

“What’s so funny?” a windswept James appeared, his eyes flickering to Lily, as he sat down next to Sirius.

“That poor girl at the bar thought Sirius was a proper adult,” Lily laughed, “until her fantasy was rudely interrupted by hearing that he has detention with McGonagall.”

“Ah McGonagall,” James grinned, “she’ll be getting the best of us long after we’ve graduated.”

“Maybe. But Cynthia  _ did _ tell me that the Auror department is looking for new recruits,” Sirius turned thoughtful, “Honestly, after Hogwarts that’s what I think I want to do.”

“They only accept top students,” Lily smirked, “maybe try a bit harder on our next exam and Remus and I won’t beat you so easily.”

“Yes, well now I’ve got a purpose, haven’t I?” Sirius’s eyes were alight with a strange glow, “fighting dark wizards? Tracking down illegal objects? It’d be the perfect penance for my family.” He fell silent, his cheeks flushed. He didn't usually discuss his family with people outside of their small friend group.

Lily looked equally uncomfortable. “Er, I’m actually in Ancient Runes club with your brother Regulus,” she seemed to be trying to change the subject, “He seems like a sweet kid. Really bright.”

Sirius snorted, but fell silent, taking a long swig of cider.

“Did you get your train ticket?” Remus turned to James, also attempting to switch the tack of their conversation.

“Yep!” James pulled an envelope out of his pocket, “I’ll be taking the six o’clock train tomorrow.” He sighed, “I’m going to miss you lot over the holidays though. Don’t have  _ too _ much fun without me.”

“Just me and Sirius? I doubt we’ll be doing much without you and Peter around.”

Was it his imagination or had Lily just winked at him?

“Oh don’t be  _ too _ sure about that Remus,” Sirius sat forward in his chair, a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “I actually did have something planned for just the two of us.”

“What?” Remus was genuinely curious, but despite several minutes of pestering, Sirius remained silent on the matter, grinning mysteriously in response to Remus’s attempts to pry it out of him.

The next twenty minutes passed quickly, as they chatted and drank cider, the warm fire flickering in the background.

He supposed Lily had never really sat down with their group before beyond the confines of mandated group work in class, and it was nice to have her. She blended seamlessly in, was clever and funny, and managed to keep even Sirius on his toes. Lily Evans would have to stick around.

Finally, James glanced down at his watch, and his eyebrows shot up, “Blimey,” he pushed away his empty mug, “it’s getting late. We need to leave if we want to get back to the castle before dark.”

Slowly getting to their feet, they shrugged on their cloaks to leave, and stepped out once again into the cold.

The sun was starting to set, and a deeper chill had entered the air. 

The streets of Hogsmeade were crowded with students returning to the castle.

Sirius frowned after yet another third year bumped into his elbow, rushing to get back before dark, “C’mon,” he gestured at an alleway nestled between two shops, “I know a shortcut for getting back to the main road.”

James, Lily and Remus trailed behind him as he turned down the dark alley.

They passed by several overflowing rubbish bins and wooden crates, the alleyway lined with scuffed backdoors that led into the shops. 

They were halfway to the end of the alley when two people stepped out in front of them, blocking their path. In the quickening darkness, Remus couldn’t make out who they were, only that they were wearing Hogwarts robes.

Lily must have recognized them though, for she abruptly stopped walking. “Avery. Mulciber.” her voice sounded tight.

Sirius had also stopped walking as they stood directly in front of him, blocking their way forward.

“Evans,” the taller of the two sneered, Remus could see his face now. He recognized Avery, a cold-faced Slytherin in their year. Remus had heard rumors last year that Avery had experimented with dark magic on a house elf, but no proof had ever been found, so he’d walked away unpunished. 

Mulciber had flickering dark eyes with an equally cold glint. Remus didn’t know much about him except that he ran with the same gang of Slytherins, a group which included Severus Snape.

“Let us by,” Sirius’s voice was harsh as he stared down the two boys.

A thrill of dread shot through Remus. He didn’t like seeing Sirius in the near-dark, being glared at by two Slytherins with outstretched wands.

Slowly, Remus slipped his own wand out of his pocket. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that James had done the same.

“‘Dunno why we should let you pass Evans,” Mulciber drawled at Lily, “I’ve never been one to do favors for filthy mudbloods,”

“You take that back!” James shouted, furious, his wand leveled with Mulciber’s face. 

“James, calm down,” Lily’s voice had a forced coolness to it, she gave a sharp look at the two Slytherins, “I can’t imagine what the fun is in blocking our path, but it would be wise of you to move seeing as you’re outnumbered by us two to one.”

“Are we?” Avery’s wand was pointing at them now.

Footsteps sounded behind them. Remus whirled around, two more Slytherin boys had emerged from behind them, cutting off any retreat. Remus could just make out the faces of Evan Rosier and Fredrick Wilkes. They were both smirking maliciously, enjoying Remus’s clear discomfort.

Instinctively, the four Gryffindors stepped closer to each other, wands out protectively. 

“You’re being a bit idiotic really,” Sirius stepped in front of Lily, wand oustretched, his voice tight with anger, “I was in dueling club with you in fourth year. You got taken out by that first year Hufflepuff. You have to realize this can’t possibly be a good idea.”

“It’s always a good idea to remind mudbloods and blood traitors of their place,” Avery’s voice had taken on a distinctly menacing tone, “Sirius Black,” he said the name slowly, as though savoring it’s cadences, “the epitome of a blood traitor. We’ve been wanting to have a chat with you. It pains us to see a pure blood degrading his status, hanging out with slime and muck like this. Your poor parents. They asked my father if I could keep an eye on you, make sure you don’t disgrace the Black family name too much. But I think it’s a little late for that. If I were them, I'd have died of shame a long time ago rather than keep living with  _ you _ as a son.” 

“Potter’s no better,” Mulciber snickered, “his disgusting muggle-loving grandparents got what they deserved.”

“Shut up!” Sirius roared, furious.

James looked like he’d been slapped across the face.

“I suppose Evans is right where she belongs then,” Avery said, smiling cruelly, “with all the rest of the wizard filth and grime. The only thing that would make me happier is if her family had been killed today in the attack, but,” he shrugged, “we can’t have everything.”

“Attack?” Lily’s voice was shaking with anger.

“Of course,” Mulciber chortled, “you don’t even know about it yet. Well, you’ll find out soon enough.”

Avery’s eyes suddenly fixed on Remus. A cold glint of recognition flickered across his face.

“Remus Lupin,” he said silkily, “I barely noticed you hiding behind your friends. I have regards for you from a friend of my father’s - Fenrir Greyback, I think you know him? He asked me to tell you that he hopes he’ll be seeing you again soon. His last visit with you was much too rushed.” 

It felt as though ice water had been dumped into Remus’s veins. He went cold, frozen at the torrent of memories the name Fenrir Greyback had unleashed. How did Avery know that name?

“What is he talking about?” He distantly heard Lily mutter to James, sounding confused.

“Oh, didn’t you know?” Avery laughed cruelly, “your friend Lupin is the dirtiest of all of you,”

Remus closed his eyes, heart pounding. This was it. Avery was about to unleash his secret. And then everyone would know. There was no turning back from the truth.

“after all,” Avery continued, “he  _ is _ a were-”

He was abruptly cut off by Sirius who gave a yell of pure rage and punched him squarely in the jaw. 

Avery crumpled to the ground with a moan.

Mulciber raised his wand towards them, rage glinting in his eyes. 

“You’ll pay for that,” he growled at Sirius.

“ _ Expelliarmus!” _ Lily shouted, and Mulciber’s wand clattered out of his hands. 

His eyes full of malice, Mulciber dove for his wand, turned on his heel and disapparated with a sharp CRACK.

“ _ Stupefy! _ ” a jet of red light shot out of James’s wand, hitting one of the Slytherins behind them, who immediately toppled over. 

The fourth boy shot a curse at Lily, who ducked. It exploded against the wall of the alleyway. 

With one last look of fury, he took off running.

Avery groaned and stirred on the ground in front of them.

“Come  _ on! _ ” Lily sounded panicked, “let’s get out of here!” She grabbed James by the arm and started sprinting towards the main road, Sirius behind them.

Remus remained rooted in place. He couldn’t move. He was still frozen in fear.  _ Fenrir Greyback, Fenrir Greyback _ , his mind muttered the name over and over again. 

“Remus?” Sirius turned around at the end of the alley, his eyes lighting with panic when he saw Remus still standing in the same spot.

He ran back to Remus, grabbed his arm and tried to tug him away.

Remus couldn’t move. He was being stupid. But he felt so far away from his body. He didn’t think his feet would listen to his commands even if he tried.

_ Fenrir Greyback, Fenrir Greyback _ , his mind continued to chant.

“Remus?” Sirius tilted his chin up, his black eyes full of worry, forcing Remus to meet his gaze,“Remus, I  _ know _ . I know. But we need to get out of here.”

He pulled Remus roughly into an embrace for a moment, before stepping back.

And Remus’s mind unfroze. He blinked, taking in the situation around them more fully, the prone Slytherins beginning to stir. The alleyway completely dark now.

He grabbed Sirius’s arm and together they ran down the alleyway, James and Lily waiting at the end.

They kept running until they’d reached the main road, nearly empty except for a few late students straggling back to the castle in small groups. 

They were panting when they finally slowed to a walk.

“I’m telling McGonagall,” was the first thing Lily said, in between gasps. She sounded furious.

“And what’s she going to be able to do?” James said bitterly, “all the teachers know about the stupid gang of Slytherins, but until they do something really terrible nothing’s going to happen to them.”

“Besides,” Sirius said dully, “I threw the first punch. I’ll land in detention even faster than they will.”

“It’s not right,” Lily fumed, “it’s just  _ not right! _ ” 

Then, to Remus’s surprise, she burst into tears. He’d never seen Lily less then cool and collected.

James shot Remus a look of horror as he reached out to tentatively pat her shoulder.

“There, there,” he said hesitantly, “those Slytherins are idiots. Everyone knows all that stupid stuff about blood purity is nonsense. They just like to shout louder than the rest of the world.”

“That’s the problem though, isn’t it?” Lily sniffed, swiping a hand across her cheek, “they  _ are _ shouting louder. They’re gaining more traction. He Who Must Not Be Named gets more and more followers each year.” she paused, “I don’t know what the future looks like for muggle borns like me. And I  _ hate _ that. I hate that this world that I worked so hard to be a part of doesn’t want me back.”

“It’s not like that.” James said hotly, “Of course I want you!  _ Er  _ \- of course  _ we _ want you,” he quickly corrected himself, looking embarrassed.

Lily didn’t respond. The castle was in sight now. Her cheeks were glazed with tears as she gazed up at the lights of Hogwarts, looking at it from the outside as though seeing it clearly for the first time.

She shivered slightly.

James shrugged off his cloak and softly wrapped it around her shoulders. They continued walking towards Hogwarts in silence.

They finally reached the castle several minutes later, pushing open the heavy oak doors and stepping into the warm entrance hall.

“There you are,” Professor McGonagall stood in the entryway, herding students into the Great Hall. Her mouth was a thin line, and she had a worried look in her eyes, barely taking in their disheveled appearance, “everyone’s to go immediately into the Great Hall. The headmaster has an announcement.”

The entire school was already gathered as the four of them joined the Gryffindor table. The chatter was quieter than usual, and many students looked worried. 

Looking deeply somber, Dumbledore stepped up to the podium to address them. Silence fell immediately.

“As some of you may have heard, there was a Death Eater attack today.” he began, his voice calm and even, “it took place on a crowded street in London near Parliament. I am deeply saddened to report that forty-three lives were taken.”

He paused to survey the room, his eyes sweeping across the assembled students,

“It is difficult to understand senseless acts of terror,” he continued, “but I urge each one of you to view this as a call to unity. To remember not what separates us from each other, but what brings us together. Fear can only prey on those who are afraid. Divisiveness can only split apart those who do not stand together. Every drop of blood that is spilled, whether magical or not is a tremendous loss to the world, I hope that every one of you gathered here today can recognize that.”

He was silent for a moment before he continued, “It is on this note that I regret to inform you that in the current state of danger, we are locking down Hogwarts for the next week. No one will be able to exit or enter the school grounds until we are able to sufficiently ensure the safety of each and every one of our students both in and around the castle.”

Cries of protest spread throughout the great hall.

Dumbledore raised a hand for silent, “I sincerely apologize, as I know many of you were looking forward to going home for Christmas. However, your safety is our top priority, and I believe that in that respect, your parents will agree with us. I will assure you, however, for those who have never spent Christmas at Hogwarts before - it is a holiday that you will be sure to remember. On that note, I bid you goodnight.” 

The hall immediately filled with the chatter of hundreds of students - all suddenly trapped in Hogwarts for Christmas.

James pulled his train ticket out of his pocket and stared at it for a second, then crumpled it into a ball in a single angry motion. His eyes tightened for a moment, before he glanced up at Remus and Sirius and forced a grin, “I suppose this will be our first ever Marauder’s Christmas. I don’t know why we didn’t think to do it sooner.”


	3. Chapter 3

Later that night, Remus lay in bed, his eyes wide open, heart pounding. His mind couldn’t stop replaying the events of that afternoon in a seemingly endless loop.

The worst feeling, he’d decided, was the feeling of seeing his friends in danger, and being so  _ powerless _ . He’d frozen up so entirely he hadn’t even been good at running away. He was an embarrassment to Gryffindor. 

Avery had known he was a werewolf. Had mentioned Fenrir Greyback. Remus’s stomach clenched again at the memory. How had Avery known? Remus didn’t even know anything about the werewolf who’d attacked him as a child, except his name. He’d never felt so vulnerable before. Avery could tell anyone in the school if he wanted to. Remus didn’t know what he’d do if everyone in Hogwarts found out. Die of shame most likely. Maybe settle for running away forever if he was in a good mood. 

The wolf half of him disgusted him. He was a monster. Meant to hurt other people. 

“Remus,” a voice whispered in the darkness.

He sat up, Sirius was also awake, arms wrapped around his knees, a look of total misery on his face.

“I can’t sleep.” Sirius whispered, “will you come sit with me?” a note of pleading crept into his voice.

Remus nodded, padded softly over to Sirius’s bed and sat down gingerly on the end. 

James’s gentle snores signaled that they were the only two still awake.

“It was all my fault,” for once, Sirius wouldn’t meet his eyes, “everything that happened today.”

“What are you talking about?”

“My parents. Before I left for school they told me they’d asked the sons of some of their friends to keep an eye on me. I thought it was an empty threat, but…” he trailed off, “And then I was stupid enough to lead us down that alleyway. I was practically begging for trouble. Next time it could be so much worse. You know my cousin Bellatrix is a Death Eater, don’t you?” he sounded bitter, “this isn’t always going to stay within the realm of school yard fights. Next time you or James or Lily could end up really hurt. Could end up dead.”

“You’re being an idiot,” Remus said calmly, “those Slytherin morons would pick a fight with anything that moves. Besides, they already hated Lily. Me and and James too for that matter.”

“I’m serious,” Sirius hissed angrily, “I’m putting all of you in danger every time we’re seen together. It would... _ kill _ me if something happened to any of you.” it sounded as though the words were wrenched from somewhere deep within his chest.

He tucked his head into his knees so Remus could no longer see his face, his back shaking slightly with silent sobs.

Remus was at a total loss. Sirius was the strong one, the brave one, the one who never gave a damn. It was frightening to see him so scared. 

Gingerly, he reached an arm around Sirius’s shaking shoulders, pulling him tight against him. Sirius’s body was warm through the thin material of his pyjamas. Remus felt his breath catch in his throat. What was he doing? But he just wanted Sirius to know Remus was there. Would always be there. Without really knowing what he was doing, he gently took Sirius’s hand in his. Sirius’s hand was warm, a little rough.

Sirius leaned into Remus’s chest, took one more shuddering breath, and then was silent. 

“Sirius Black,” Remus said softly, “Arrogant and a bit too aware of how handsome you are  _ maybe _ , but I never thought you were stupid. Death eaters don’t need a reason to kill. They destroy because they can’t stand to see a society built on goodness and equality. It doesn’t matter if one of them’s your cousin. They’d just as soon kill me for looking at them the wrong way as for being your friend. And don’t you see it? James, Peter, and I, we’d all rather die being your friend than live without you. You’re the one that brought all of us together. And...I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it.”

It was dark and Sirius needed to know he wasn’t alone. At least that’s how Remus was choosing to explain to himself how he’d suddenly grown so bold. With one last feat of daring, he leaned his head down and rested it on Sirius’s shoulder. He was suddenly acutely aware that he could feel Sirius’s heart beating against his chest. That they were holding hands. That they were curled up together in Sirius’s bed. 

He closed his eyes, suddenly sleepy. He hoped this wasn’t just a dream.

✷✷✷

Remus awoke when the first ray of sun hit his eyes, feeling totally disoriented. He sat up with a jolt. Was he in Sirius’s bed?

Sirius’s arm was slung across his waist, pinning him to the bed. Sirius was breathing softly, still asleep. His face was turned away from Remus, who could only see the back of his tousled, thick hair.

The memories of last night came rushing back to Remus, and he blushed. What did this mean for them?

And what about James - had he seen them?

Heart pounding, he looked over at James’s bed. It was empty. 

James must already be at breakfast. 

Remus’s stomach gave a terrible jolt. Surely he’d seen Remus asleep in Sirius’s bed. What had he thought?

As far as he could tell (and since James frequently tried to set Remus up on dates with James’s distant cousin Agnes in Ravenclaw), James had never picked up on...well.. _ whatever _ was going on with him and Sirius.

Carefully, he lifted Sirius’s arm up, and rolled out from under him, wincing slightly as his bare feet hit the cold stone floor.

Sirius groaned and rolled over in his sleep. 

The ray of sun that had woken Remus bathed half of Sirus’s face in light. It illuminated the subtle golden threads in his dark hair. The faint smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose. He was so bloody gorgeous it was infuriating. 

He was being ridiculous. Sirius had been frightened last night, and Remus had comforted him. It probably wasn’t as significant to Sirius as it had felt to Remus. 

Of course, Sirius had never properly dated anyone either (despite the fact nearly any girl in the school would have given up their wand to go out with him), but he just always seemed so  _ knowledgeable _ . Hinted vaguely about past stories of whirlwind romances that occurred over the summer holidays. He’d certainly kissed at least one (if not several) girls. Physical contact probably wasn’t as meaningful for him as it was for Remus.

Nobody wanted to touch a werewolf though, and Remus couldn’t blame them.

Remus shrugged off his pyjamas, hurriedly pulling on a shirt and trousers, stowing his wand in his pocket. 

He’d just pushed open the door to leave when he heard a rustling of quilts behind him.

“Wher’you rushing off to Moony?” Sirus’s groggy voice came from behind him.

“Just breakfast,” he refused to turn around, didn’t want Sirius to see how his face had flushed beet red. He dashed down the staircase, ignoring Sirius calling his name behind him.

The Great Hall seemed even noisier than usual. Most of the students had been on the verge of escaping school for the next week, and now they were all stuck. There was a nearly tangible feeling of restlessness in the air.

James was sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table next to Lily. Remus watched as she laughed at something James said, and an irrepressible grin spread over James’s face as though he couldn’t quite believe his good luck. 

Remus’s stomach twinged again. He didn’t want to face James either. Perhaps he’d just sneak a piece of toast out and eat it in the library.

He did that sometimes when he was feeling overwhelmed. Nothing felt quite as calming as peaceful rows of bookshelves, the soothing smell of old bindings. 

He palmed a piece of toast out of the basket and slunk out of the hall, trying to look inconspicuous. 

In the library he settled down into his favorite nook, a window seat in the very back behind the Mythical and Fantastic Beasts section.

Remus had always been fond of learning about other magical creatures. He supposed it was some subverted way of trying to make sense of himself. His favorite book was a well-thumbed copy of  _ Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _ . He’d read it so often that the cover was hanging on by a thread, and several pages had fallen out of the binding. He’d been meaning to replace it, but never managed to save up quite enough money. He loved reading about griffins and imps and kneazles and jobberknols and kelpies and sea dragons. It reminded him that he was never quite done learning about the world. That there was a beauty and strength to magical creatures that he sometimes forgot about. 

The only section he didn’t like, but somehow could never seem to stop himself from reading, was the one on werewolves. They had received a Ministry of Magic classifications of XXXXX - known wizard killer. Remus had read the section so many times that he’d memorized the words, and he shuddered slightly, as they echoed in his mind, “Once a month, at the full moon, the otherwise sane and normal wizard or Muggle afflicted, transforms into a murderous beast. Almost uniquely among fantastic creatures, the werewolf actively seeks humans in preference to any other kind of prey.”  _ Murderous beast _ .  _ Human prey. _

Sighing, his mind flitted back to more pressing problems.

He leaned back against the cold window, the glass frosted with whorls of ice, and took a bite of his toast. 

How the hell was he going to make it through Christmas if he couldn’t look Sirius or James in the eye?

Maybe he’d just stay in the library for the next week. That wouldn’t be so bad.

Two hours later he was still curled up in the window. He’d begun reading a book that he’d pulled at random from the shelf entitled  _ A Comprehensive History of Eyvil Beasts and Daemons.  _

It was very old and the author seemed to hold some outmoded beliefs. In the chapter on vampires he’d written:  _ Vampires can most certainly turn into bats. In the new colony of Australia, they can transform into a strange eyvil creature called a ‘wombat,’ which is a related species.  _

Remus chuckled softly to himself.

“Are you hiding from me?”

He sat up abruptly, the book sliding out of his hands. 

Sirius was leaning against a bookcase, his hands slung casually in his pockets. His hair was ruffled and damp, still wet from the shower. 

He was still wearing his checkered pyjama bottoms. It wasn’t fair that he looked this good with absolutely no effort. 

“N-no,” Remus stammered, his traitorous cheeks flushing as usual. “I just had to do some...reading.” He gestured lamely at the book. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow skeptically. 

With a sigh, he walked over and sank onto the seat next to Remus. 

“Look...if this is about what happened...last night, I talked to James and everything’s fine. I told him that we were just talking and accidently fell asleep. He’s so distracted by the fact that Lily sat next to him at breakfast that I barely think he noticed.” He gazed at Remus searchingly, “So, we’re fine. Right?” 

Remus could still feel his face burning scarlet. Was that what Sirius had thought happened? Were they just two friends talking?

Of course, they’d been holding hands too, which Remus didn’t usually do with his friends. But what did Remus know. This was Sirius after all, and he could barely talk to anyone without blinding them with charm.

“Yeah. Of course we’re fine.” He picked up the book again.

“Good,” Sirius tugged the book out of his hands and tossed it aside, “then come on a walk with me. You know I can’t stand to be cooped up all day.”

Did he want to spend more time with Sirius? Everything was so confusing when he was nearby. He was too warm, too loud, too alive. But Remus couldn’t stand the sight of him walking away either.

Remus sighed and stood up. “Fine, let’s go.” He tucked the book into his bag, he’d finish it later.

✷✷✷

Snow crunched under their feet as they wended their way through the trees on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. 

It was even colder than yesterday if that was possible, and their breath came in short puffs of frost.

When he’d been a child, breathing frost had been one of Remus’s favorite parts of winter: he’d always pretended he was a dragon. His chase his mother and she’d shriek, pretending to be scared.

Now being a werewolf was enough of a monster for him, and seeing his breath freeze reminded him of childhood in a sad way. Just another one of those stupid memories seeped with nostalgia and reeking of simplistic innocence in a way that seemed laughable now.

Why did everything have to get so complicated?

Couldn’t they just go back to being eleven? Or five. Being five again might be nice. The last year before he’d been bitten.

“So,” Sirius began, sounding hesitant.

Remus gave him a scrutinizing look. Was it possible that the ever-confident Sirius Black was  _ nervous? _

“I just...um...right.” Sirius trailed off.

Remus hadn’t heard Sirius stammer so badly since the time his parents had been called to Hogwarts because of a particularly bad instance of misbehavior in their fourth year. Remus might envy Sirius’s looks and confidence, but he definitely didn’t envy his parents. Sirius had been quiet and withdrawn for days after they’d come. Remus had never asked him what transpired between them.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, looking embarrassed. “Right.” He took a breath. “I just wanted to say thank you...for calming me down last night. For being a good friend. You know I hate talking about my family. But whenever they rear their ugly head like that, it rattles me. So...thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Remus sighed, “we all have our demons Sirius, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know. Sometimes I just feel like...you’re the only person I can talk to about these things. James is just too bloody well-adjusted to understand us.” Sirius laughed darkly. 

“Us?” Remus blushed. But he wanted to finally cut through the strands of ambiguity. He wanted to know what Sirius was thinking, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

For a moment, Sirius was silent, and Remus wondered if he’d even heard him.

But then Remus snuck a glance at Sirius’s face. Sirius was gazing at him so intensely that Remus flushed an even deeper shade of red. 

Sirius stopped walking and stepped in front of Remus so that they were standing face to face. He leaned in, they were so close now that the tips of their noses nearly touched. Remus could see his own reflection in Sirius’s black eyes. His breath warmed Remus’s cheek. 

“Remus…” his voice was low and intense, “of course there’s an ‘us.’ There’s always been an ‘us.” 

Remus couldn’t breathe. Everything was too hot and too cold all at once. It was as though he was suddenly in outer space, everything else had been sucked away, even the air, and it was just the two of them.

“You mean so much to me, Remus,” Sirius was gazing at him like he was the sun, like the universe revolved around him, “I like you so much.  _ So _ much. You can’t be blind to that. I want to...give us a chance.”

Remus couldn’t look away, couldn’t move, he was trapped by Sirus’s eyes, frozen by his words.

Sirius reached out and gently cradled Remus’s cheek with his hand. 

And Remus flinched away.

Sirius withdrew his hand, looking stung. 

“Sirius…” his voice cracked, “I’m sorry...but I just  _ can’t _ ...not right now.”

Sirius flushed, “do you...not feel the same way?”

“It’s not that…” Remus was stammering, his mind awash with confusion, he barely even knew what he was trying to say, only that something was standing between him and the beautiful boy in front of him, “it’s just...I just...I don’t even know what I want right now. I’m sorry. I just...need more time to think everything over.”

Hurt flashed across Sirius’s face before it was quickly covered over with a mask of calm. 

“Fine. I’m sorry I said anything to you in that case.” he said cooly, “I suppose if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

Without waiting for Remus, he turned on his heel and marched off through the snow back towards the castle.

“Wait!” Remus called, but Sirius had vanished between the trees. 

A breeze ruffled Remus’s cloak and he pulled it tighter around himself, shivering. It was cold again. For a moment, he’d forgotten it was cold.


	4. Chapter 4

Remus sat alone at dinner that night, picking listlessly at his food. 

He was pretty sure he was cursed. Whenever anything started to go his way, he had to ruin it. Although that seemed more like a problem with himself than with magic. He was an absolute prat.

Sirius had studiously avoided him for the rest of the day, and he now sat with James at the other end of the table, talking and laughing as though he didn’t have a care in the world. 

Remus wasn’t even hungry. He didn’t know why he’d bothered coming to dinner. Except maybe to keep an eye on Sirius. But Sirius seemed fine, and there was no point in sitting here for any longer. He pushed back the bench with a screech against the stone floor, and stood up to leave. 

At that moment, the head girl Mathilda Vance bounced on stage. She was an incessantly cheerful Hufflepuff who had been surprisingly deadly the one time Remus had faced off against her in his short lived career in the dueling club.

“Good evening everyone,” She beamed around at the hall, waiting for quiet. Remus sat back down. He couldn’t walk out in the middle of her announcement. It was bloody annoying being a prefect sometimes. 

“I know that for many of us, having to spend the holidays at Hogwarts was...unexpected.” She continued, “But Charles and I have been thinking of ways to make the next week as fun as possible.” She gestured to the head boy standing several feet away from her, and looking rather embarrassed at the attention.

“With the help of the professors, we’ve planned Christmas activities over the next few days to liven up the holidays!” She clapped her hands excitedly, “Charles is going to introduce our first activity!” She grabbed the head boy, who’d been attempting to sidle even further away, and dragged him in front of the lectern.

“Er...right,” From what Remus knew about Charles, he was an extremely punctilious Ravenclaw who was an excellent student and very quiet.

He ruffled his hair looking awkward and peered out at the crowd through his spectacles, “we’ll be playing a game of Mystery Merlin,” the hall broke out into excited murmurs, “everyone will draw a slip of paper with the name of someone else in their year. You have to surprise them with a present on Christmas without them finding out who you are. The prefect of your house will have the names to draw from.” Still looking embarrassed he slunk away from the podium.

Mathilda popped up in front of Remus, holding out a goblet filled with slips of paper. “It’s spelled to only give out names of other students in the same year of whoever’s drawing, that way everyone will be sure to know the person they’re assigned to,” she said brightly, before jogging off to the Hufflepuff table. 

Excited first years crowded around Remus to draw their slips of paper.

“My turn,” with a grin, Lily appeared in front of him, reached in and drew out a scrap of paper. She read it over once, smiled, and tucked it into her pocket.

“James and Sirius are over there, pretending they’re too cool for this,” she inclined her head towards the corner of the table, where Sirius sat lounging with his feet up on the bench.

After everyone else had drawn their slips, only three remained. With a sigh, Remus stood up and walked slowly over to where James and Sirius were sitting.

“If you lot don’t play, than that means someone’s not going to get a present on Christmas,” he held out the goblet towards them.

“It’s not that we mind playing,” Sirius said cooly as he fished around for one of the slips, “it’s more of that we have a reputation of being cool to uphold, and acting excited about school mandated games would damage that carefully cultivated persona.” 

He unfolded his slip, read it, and pocketed it. His face remained impassive.

James reached in next, frowned, and crumpled his. 

“What if we barely know the person?” he asked Remus, “can we switch for someone better?”

“No.” Remus answered shortly. Everything felt so awkward between the three of them. He needed to patch things up with Sirius. 

Only one scrap of paper remained. Remus took it out it and smoothed it open. Written in sparkling lilac ink (clearly by Mathilda) was the name  _ Severus Snape _ .

✷✷✷

Remus hid in the library again the next day. In the history section this time, since he’d clearly been too predictable yesterday. 

A frosty silence had settled between him and Sirius, and Remus was miserable.

He wished Sirius had just given him more time to try and explain himself, not that he even really knew what he was thinking.

But he hadn't expected Sirius to be so open with him, and when he’d hesitated in reciprocating, Sirus’s anger had caught him equally off guard. 

There was a small nook between the  _ history of magical cooking implements _ shelf, and the  _ goblin wars and treaties _ shelf. If he flattened himself against the wall, he’d be invisible to anyone walking by the aisle.

Remus tucked himself onto the floor between the two shelves, leaning his back against the side of the bookcase, and pulled out the book from yesterday.

He’d already read the vampire, mermaid, and kappa sections. He thumbed open to the next chapter.

A vivid ink illustration covered the page, depicting a giant wolf standing over a mauled human body, a full moon shining above their heads. 

His stomach gave a familiar jolt of recognition. Of course. His favorite section of any book on magical creatures: werewolves. 

_ One of the most fearsome of all magical beasts _ , the chapter began,  _ the wyrewolf combines the intelligence and magycal ability of a wizard with the brute strength and savage nature of a wolf. When this burdensome curse takes hold of afflicted wizards, nothing shall stop them in their fierce desire to sate themselves with magycal blood. They care not for the cries of the innocent, and allow themselves to be consumed with the desire to hunt. A wyrewolf bite may kill a wizard, or turn the injured wizard into another wyrewolf. Only wizards with a savage nature turn into wyrewolves if they are bitten. Truly good wizards will die if bitten, rather than allow themselves to become monsters. Thus wyrewolves remain on the fringes of our goode society, for they can only hide their beastly nature for so long before it is revealed. _

Remus closed the book, his heart thudding. He knew it wasn’t true. All research pointed to the fact that the difference between becoming a werewolf and dying when bitten had entirely to do with the severity of the bite, not the nature of the wizard. But then why had what he just read resonated so deeply with him. 

Sometimes when he thought about the day he’d been bitten, so long ago, he wished he  _ had _ died that day. It would have been better for everyone that way. His parents could have moved on with their lives. He’d never have put everyone he loved in danger. And he wouldn’t have to suffer like this anymore. Because sometimes it felt like there was no way forward. He would be like this forever. And he would always be trapped within himself. 

He’d been six years old the night he’d been attacked. What he remembered most about it was the unceasing pain as the magical venom entered his bloodstream, it had felt like fire was coursing through his veins. 

He remembered his mother crying, his father grim faced. A healer who had rushed to their house, examining him as he writhed in bed, and then conferring with his parents in hushed tones. “He might die.” the healer had whispered to his parents. They’d thought Remus couldn’t hear.

His parents had explained everything to him when he’d gotten better. How he’d transform once a month. How he’d have to try hard,  _ very hard _ , to not hurt anyone when he was a wolf. How this was going to be difficult but they’d get through it, and what was most important was that Remus was okay, how he was going to be okay. 

The promise that he was ‘going to be okay,’ sometimes felt like a promise that had never fully been realized. He would be like this forever, and the long awaited future of ‘okay’ remained a fantasy. A thin hope they had all clung to, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, maybe someone would find a cure, maybe Remus would be stronger than the wolf.

But no one had, and Remus was weak. Not just weak, broken. Probably irreparably so.

He’d tried to explain this to Sirius, but Sirius hadn’t listened. Remus was bad. And undeserving of good things and good people. And the further away people stayed from Remus, the safer they were.

When James, Peter, and Sirius had taken it upon themselves to become animagi, Remus had protested so vehemently that eventually they’d pretended to drop the matter entirely, only telling him what they’d done once the spell was complete.

By then they’d gone in too deep, had worked too hard and invested too much magic for Remus’s sake for him to tell them ‘no’ any longer, so he’d reluctantly agreed for them to keep him company when he transformed. 

Having his friends around him made everything different when he was a wolf. At times, he even had flashes of remembering that he was human. But whenever he took a step back, he went cold at the thought of how dangerous what they were doing was. How many times he’d almost hurt all of them. Had almost killed all of them.

He would never admit it to them, but there were so many times he’d wished that they’d never become animagi for his sake. That he could still just sit alone, howling in the shrieking shack each month. Because that way, at least, he was sure that the only person he could hurt was himself. 

A lump had gathered in his throat, and he swallowed angrily. He was being stupid, letting himself get so worked up about an old book. He just couldn’t shake the feeling that it was  _ right _ .

And everything with Sirius was compounding his misery. He wished he could just talk about it with someone. But Peter was home, he couldn’t confess to James how he felt, and Sirius was at the root of it all. 

The only person he could really talk to was...himself. Maybe writing about it would help.

He pulled a piece of parchment and quill out of his bag, and smoothed it on the floor. 

_ Dear Sirius, _ he began,  _ I’m sorry about the way I reacted. It was brave of you to tell me how you felt. You’re always so brave. I don’t know how you do it. _

_ I know I didn’t respond the way you wanted me to. The way  _ I _ wanted myself to. This is all so new.  _

_ And, to be honest, I really don’t know how I feel about... _ us _ .  _

_ I like you. An awful lot. There, I finally said it.  _

_ I like the way you smile - it always looks like you’re planning an absolutely devious prank. I like the way you let teachers forget how smart you are and then astonish them with another ridiculous feat of talent. I like the way you act like you don’t care about anything, like you’re above this entire school. But really you care an awful lot about almost everything.  _

_ I like you Sirius. I might even love you. _

_ But I’m standing in the way of myself. In the way of both of us. _

_ I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.  _

_ I also don’t know why you’d ever like me. I’m nice enough, I get good marks, I can make you laugh. But all those things are on the surface. And I don’t think anyone, not even you, sees what I’m really like, deep down.  _

_ This is also the first time I’ve ever liked a boy.  _

_ And I don’t know if I can do that to my parents. I think I’ve disappointed them in enough ways. I’m not sure if I can add this to the list. _

_ Since you’ll never see this letter, I might as well confess it to myself. I wanted to kiss you yesterday. I’ve been wondering what kissing you would feel like for months.  _

_ But nothing can happen between us. Not when I’m so afraid. _

_ I hope you understand. _

_ Remus _

He felt a little lighter. It helped to release the words. To form the jumble of his thoughts into some kind of order on a page. 

He folded the letter in half and tapped it with his wand. It burst into flames.

He held the burning parchment until the flames almost reached his fingertips, then gently blew it out, letting the last few pieces fragment into ashes in his hand.

He stood up, shaking out his stiff legs, and walked over to the window at the end of the aisle. Pushing it open, a gust of cool wind ruffling his hair, he dumped the ashes into the air. In an instant, they were swept away.

✷✷✷

If Remus had it his way, he would have skipped dinner entirely that night. Of course, like most things in his life, Remus didn’t have it his way.

He was still in the library, numbly reliving his fight with Sirius for the thousandth time in his head, when a first year girl stumbled upon his hiding spot.

“Remus Lupin?” she asked, her eyes widening. When Remus nodded his assent, she pulled a piece of parchment out of her pocket, “Mathilda, the head girl, she asked me to give this to you.” Dropping it in his hands, she scurried away.

With a sigh, Remus unrolled it.

_ To all prefects: please meet me in the prefect lounge so we can discuss tonight’s activity. BRING YOUR SENSE OF ENTHUSIASM! _

These words were followed by several inked sparkly stars and hearts which had been charmed to bounce around the page.

Remus doubted he would be able to muster any enthusiasm for what Mathilda had planned. He was currently having a hard enough time mustering the will to live. Enthusiasm seemed like a bit of a stretch.

He walked slowly down the fourth floor corridor towards the lounge. 

The lounge was probably among the best benefits of being a prefect. It was a large cozy room stuffed with plump couches and armchairs. A table in the corner was always stocked with platters of biscuits and scones. Best of all, only prefects could access it. 

When the library got too noisy during exams week, the lounge was Remus’s favorite place to study. It was quiet, serene...Remus tapped on the fifth panel up on the wall and twisted the bracket of the light fixture clockwise...the wall slid open and a crush of noise greeted him. 

He was late.

All the other house prefects as well as Mathilda and Charles were already in the room, chattering to each other, and every spare surface was covered with baskets of softly glowing glass orbs.

“Remus! You’re here!” Lily grabbed him by the elbow with a smile and pulled him into the room. She moved a basket of orbs onto the floor and patted the sofa cushion next to where she’d been sitting. Remus sank down next to her.

“Right then, that’s everyone I think!” Mathilda got to her feet, beaming as usual, “I’m terribly excited about tonight’s activity, and I hope the rest of you are too!” She paused, waiting for their reaction. 

Vivian, one of the Hufflepuff prefects, let out a cheer. Everyone else laughed.

“It would help if we knew what the activity  _ is _ !” Lily called out.

“Fair enough...tonight,” she paused for dramatic effect, “we’re having a...scavenger hunt!” She clapped her hands together and let out a small squeal of excitement. “You’ll be hiding these orbs all over the castle,” she gestured at the baskets scattered around the room, “Whichever house collects the most wins!”

“Is there a prize?” Sebastian, one of the Slytherin prefects, asked with interest.

“Of course!” Mathilda was indignant, “Eternal glory! Also, a party in the winning house’s common room with fresh Christmas biscuits from the kitchen!”

The room broke out in excited murmurs. The holiday biscuits at Hogwarts were a rare commodity, made only once a year. The house elves frosted each one individually, and they came in lavish array of colors and shapes. Remus’s favorite were the reindeer ones, they reminded him of James. 

“We’ve divided the castle into four quadrants,” Charles stepped up, still looking shy, “you’ll partner with the other prefect from your house to hide the balls. We’ve also enchanted them to turn the color of whatever house is the first to find them,” he picked one up out of the basket and it flashed blue, he tapped it with his wand, resetting it to a misty white, “but we’d still like you to stay in your quadrant while the hunt is going on in case you need to referee.” 

Mathilda was moving around the room, handing out baskets to prefects. She reached Lily and Remus, handing them each a basket. 

“You’ll be covering the North tower,” she said brightly, “try to hide them as creatively as possible. And don’t forget to come to dinner when you’re done, because that’s when we’ll be announcing the game to the school!”

“Well this should be fun.” Lily grinned over at him as they pushed their way out of the hidden door. 

“Yep.”

“Something the matter?” She eyed him closely.

“No. Everything’s fine.” Remus tried to sound as fine as possible, he smiled at her to prove his fine-ness, but he couldn’t quite get the smile to reach his eyes.

“And I’m sure everything being ‘fine’ explains why I haven’t seen you at meals the entire day and why Sirius looks more prickly than the whomping willow.”

Remus sighed. “Sorry...I just don’t feel like talking about it.” Trying to change tack, he turned the conversation on her. “You seem awfully chummy with James lately.”

To his satisfaction, she blushed.

“We’re just friends. I really do think he’s changed though. We can carry on a conversation for longer than five minutes without him mussing up his hair like a madman whenever a girl walks by.”

They both laughed.

“James did say…” she trailed off, looking embarrassed. “Never mind.”

“What?” Remus eyed her sharply, he hadn’t had a proper conversation with James in the past two days. “What did he say?” He pressed.

“Nothing...just that,” she bit her lip, “that...he thought something was going on between you and Sirius and he wasn’t sure what to do.”

“He doesn’t have to  _ do _ anything because it’s none of his business!” Remus snapped.

What if this ruined everything. What if James didn’t want to be friends with either one of them because of this. Maybe he’d want to move out of their room. Stop talking to them entirely. 

That was another fear. Ruining the marauders friendship over the miniscule chance that he and Sirius could make it work as something  _ more _ . 

Wasn’t that already what was happening between him and Sirius? Love didn’t mean much if it came at the expense of your friends. 

They’d reached the North wing.

“What about hiding one behind the tapestry?” Lily said quietly, pulling a ball out from her basket and gesturing to a tapestry with stitched unicorns gamboling across it.

Remus nodded, and busied himself balancing another ball on top of a portrait frame. 

He was sorry he’d snapped at her. Why did he keep pushing everyone away?

They spent the next twenty minutes in silence, hiding the globes under loose stones in the staircase, inside wall sconces, and tucked inside the helmet of an enchanted suit of armor who seemed to be excited to be included in the game.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said softly as they made their way to the Great Hall for dinner.

Lily reached out and gently squeezed his hand, her eyes looked so kind that Remus didn’t want to look at her for any longer. He glanced down at the floor.

“If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here.” 

“Thanks.” He squeezed her hand back before dropping it.

He glanced up, and spotted Sirius and James already at the Gryffindor table. Sirius’s eyes met his across the hall before immediately looking away.

“I…” he tried to think of an excuse to get out of dinner, “I forgot something in the North wing. I’ll go grab it now. Actually...I’ll just meet you there after dinner for the hunt. By the unicorn tapestry.”

“If you’re sure…” her eyebrows had scrunched together with concern. “You know you could sit with me and my friends, don’t you?”

“I’m sure.” He said firmly, “Thanks anyway though.” He walked quickly away, not looking back.

Being a prefect had a way of inconveniencing him at the worst possible moments, he thought, forty minutes later as he waited for Lily next to the tapestry. 

He had no desire to be part of a giant scavenger hunt right now. To have to talk to people and be nice to the first years and paste on a smile. He’d rather be in bed with the covers pulled over his head. He’d be safe there.

“Hi.” Lily walked towards him, “People should be here in a few minutes. Mathilda’s just explaining the rules to everyone now.”

“James wanted to know where you were by the way.”

Remus remained silent.

“He asked me if you’d been avoiding him,” she eyed him, “I told him I didn’t think so. But...maybe you should talk with him.

Remus was saved the trouble of responding when a first year boy rounded the corner, nearly plowing into them.

“I found prefects!” the boy called excitedly over his shoulder, “that must mean there’s some hidden near here!”

In a moment, the hall was crowded with students, checking behind portraits, knocking on wall panels.

“ _ Revealio! _ ” a Ravenclaw girl waved her wand confidently, then looked disappointed when nothing happened.

“I know where one’s hidden but I’m not telling!” Peeves floated past, taunting a student who was crawling along the floor and peering into heating grates.

“Let’s split up,” Remus suggested. They’d hidden globes across the entire wing, not just this hallway, “I’ll take the third and fourth floor and you take fifth and sixth.”

Lily nodded and left, Remus headed up to the next floor. 

In the next half hour, Remus broke up a scuffle between a Hufflepuff and a Ravenclaw over who had tagged an orb first (they seemed to have tied, as the globe had turned an interesting shade of bluish yellow), and rescued another student who’d tried to levitate himself up to a chandelier to grab the orb perched on top, but had accidentally snagged his robes on one of the brackets and was dangling helplessly. He’d also found Mrs. Norris trotting away triumphantly with one of the orbs in her mouth, but he’d snatched it away from her and re-hid it, despite her hissing.

He wondered how Lily was doing. Maybe he’d go check on her.

He trudged up the staircase, pausing at the landing so that the next moving set of steps could slide into place.

He turned down the fifth floor corridor. It was quiet here. He could hear Lily’s voice faintly from down the hallway. He followed it, the torches flickering softly against the stone walls. 

Was she  _ yelling _ at someone?

He turned the corner and stopped.

Severus Snape was standing in front of her, a glowing green orb clutched, forgotten, in his hand.

Lily looked angry, “I  _ told _ you Severus this isn’t the time or place to talk about this. Besides, we  _ have _ talked about this. There’s nothing left to say. We’ve gone our separate paths. Taken too many steps away from where we started together. I’ve accepted it and it’s time you did too.”

“Lily... _ please _ ,” Severus’s voice was low and pleading, “how many times can I tell you I’m sorry? We can be different and still be friends…” he trailed off, he’d noticed Remus.

Lily turned, “Remus!” She looked relieved, “C’mon, let’s go to the fourth floor.” She marched away down the corridor.

Remus followed her, stealing one last glance at Severus as he left.

Severus was still standing in the same spot, his shoulders slumped over. The flickering torchlight illuminated his face for a moment. He looked anguished. A little bit broken. He reminded Remus of...himself.

He pushed the thought out of his mind as he followed Lily up the staircase, a herd of chattering Ravenclaws rushing past them. Severus Snape wasn’t his responsibility to worry about.

An hour later, the hunt was winding down, they were in the last few minutes. Most of the orbs had already been found.

“Do you want to go check the sixth floor one last time?” Lily asked him quietly. She’d been reserved and distant ever since her argument with Snape. “I don’t think there’s any left up there, but…” she shrugged.

“Yeah, of course,” Remus hastily agreed, heading off towards the staircase.

The corridor was quiet. He headed towards the far end. Maybe he had enough time…yes…he had time, he could go up to the astronomy tower and grab a quiet moment for himself. It was another one of his favorite places in the school. On a clear night like tonight, he’d be able to see all the stars. Remus liked star gazing.

He had nearly reached the door leading up to the tower when he bumped into something invisible.

“Ouch!”

Someone. 

Remus rubbed his shoulder and glanced around the hallway, making sure it was still empty, “James?” he hissed, peering blindly at the space in front of him.

James’s head suddenly appeared. He was wearing his invisibility cloak.

“Moony!” He grinned, “about time you joined us.”

“Us?” Remus glanced around, heart thudding, but he didn’t see Sirius anywhere.

James tilted his head towards the stairs to the astronomy tower, “Padfoot thought it was getting a bit too boring around here. He asked me to keep watch while he livens things up.”

“What’s he planning on doing?” Remus asked skeptically. Sirius still had three detentions left with McGonagall after he’d let loose a cage full of pixies in the Gryffindor common room last month

“Fireworks,” James grinned mischievously, “he practically bought out Zonkos last time we were there. Said he’s been saving them for a special occasion and this is it.”

“Fireworks?” Remus hissed angrily.

“Yeah, why…something the matter with that?” James was looking worriedly at the expression on Remus’s face, “it’s just a prank Moony. It’s not doing any harm.”

“It is not just a prank!” Remus almost yelled, “did you forget that he’s already had two warnings this month for improper use of magic outside of class? Filch said if he catches him and he gets a third warning, they’re writing to his parents.  _ Again _ !”

“So?” James said uncertainly, “it’s not like they can come down here. We’re all stuck in the castle.”

“It doesn’t matter!” Remus was definitely shouting now. “Sirius has to go home eventually! He always has to go home eventually and face them! And I don’t want it to be any worse for him than it already is!”

He shoved past James, taking the steps to the tower two at a time.

He pushed open the door at the top, bursting into the cold night air.

Where was Sirius? He had to stop him. Had to protect him.

_ There. _

Sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of the parapet, an open wooden crate balanced next to him.

“Sirius!”

He looked up, surprised, “Remus?” his expression instantly shifted to guarded. “What’r you doing here? Mathilda sent you to stop me?” He sounded taunting.

Remus didn’t bother responding. He stalked over and wrenched the crate out of Sirius’s grasp.

“You’re being an idiot Sirius.” he growled, “you know as well as I do that you’re toeing the line as it is. Filch doesn’t care that it’s the holidays. He’d still write home to your parents.”

“As if that’s supposed to scare me.” Sirius’s lip curled mockingly, “I’m sure Avery’s already given them a full report on me. I doubt I can become any more of a disappointment than I already am.”

Sirius was perched on the very edge of the parapet, the wind ruffling his hair.

Remus suddenly felt very afraid.

“Sirius, get down from there.”

“Why? Because you  _ care _ about me?” Sirius was shouting now. “Because you made it pretty clear that you don’t!”

“That’s not true and you know it!” Remus was also shouting. He grabbed Sirius’s arm trying to tug him down. He was stronger than Sirius. He forgot about that sometimes.

Sirius tumbled off the ledge and onto the floor of the tower.

He lay there for a moment.

“Sirius?” Remus crouched next to him. Gently reached out to touch his shoulder.

Sirius sat up shoving his arm away, “Get OFF me Remus Lupin.” 

His eyes were bright with anger as he brushed snow off his robes and got to his feet. They were standing face to face again. It reminded Remus of yesterday in the forest. But everything felt so different between them now.

The wind howled, whipping their robes around them.

“Why are you like this? Why do you think it’s your goddamn mission to interfere with my life?” Sirius shouted at him.

“Because I’m you’re  _ friend _ !” Remus felt anger pounding in his chest. “Because if I don’t do this for you no one else will!”

“Maybe no one needs to do this for me.” Sirius said coldly.

“So I should just sit back and let you dig your own grave in some desperate bid for attention?” He was so angry. He’d never felt so angry at Sirius.

“Why do you care if I get attention?” Sirius sneered, his black eyes glinting, “scared someone else is going to fall for me and you’ll end up alone? You pretend you like sitting alone in the library all day, but I’m not an idiot. You’re just afraid. Afraid of everything and everyone.”

“Maybe you’re the one who’s afraid!” Remus was yelling now, Sirius’s words had stung deeply, “Every time you pull a stupid, half-thought out prank it’s a cry for help! Because you’d rather have your parents hate you then ignore you!”

“SHUT UP!” Sirius roared, his eyes blazing, “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!” 

For a terrible moment, Remus thought Sirius was going to punch him.

But then, like a candle blowing out, the anger vanished from Sirius’s face. With a blank look in his eyes, Sirius turned on his heel and marched down the stairs.

Remus felt empty. He’d never shouted at Sirius like that before. It was like he’d taken what he knew about Sirius and thrown it at him in the way he’d known would hurt the most.

The closer Sirius let Remus get to him, the more dangerous Remus became. He needed to stay far away.

Blinking back tears of anger, Remus took a shuddering breath and glanced up at the sky.

The stars  _ were _ bright tonight. So was the moon. It was nearly full. Mocking him. 


	5. Chapter 5

The previous day’s snowfall crunched beneath their feet as they followed the twisting path that led away from the castle and towards the village of Hogsmeade. In the distance, they could just see columns of smoke rising from the chimneys of the bustling village shops. 

About halfway there, as James and Sirius bickered about who owned a better broom, Remus’s teeth began to chatter. He’d always been sensitive to the cold, a fact he was a bit embarrassed about since, as a werewolf, he thought he should be tougher about such things. 

He shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his cloak, hoping his friends wouldn’t notice.

He wished he still had his scarf, but he’d accidentally shredded it the last time he’d transformed into a wolf. He was usually so careful about not being near any of his possessions when he transformed, but it had just been so cold last time he’d been inside the secret rooms in the whomping willow, and he’d thought he’d have enough sense of the oncoming transformation to take the scarf off in time (he hadn’t).

Maybe he’d buy a new scarf today in Hogsmeade. He had a few carefully saved sickles with him, but he’d been hoping to use them to buy Christmas presents for James, Sirius, and Peter. 

He knew that money was tight for his parents this winter. Nobody wanted to hire the parents of a werewolf, he thought a touch bitterly. 

His secret had remained safe at Hogwarts, but the small wizarding community he’d grown up in was too small for it to stay hidden when he’d been bitten by a werewolf as a child.

The stigma of the bite had left his family isolated and poor. His mother’s friend group had dwindled, and his father still hadn’t gotten the long-awaited promotion he deserved within the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures at the Ministry. 

Lost in thought, teeth still chattering, he started when something soft slid around his shoulders, as they turned the corner to enter the village.

Sirius, still arguing with James, had gently draped his crimson wool scarf around Remus’s neck. 

Remus glanced over at Sirius and smiled.

James pushed the door open to Honeydukes, the warm smell of chocolate and the chattering voices of excited students washing over them. 

“D’you think she’d fancy some hearty hearts?” James asked anxiously, examining a heart shaped box of chocolates, “they beat even after you’ve swallowed them, so maybe it’ll remind her of me?” 

“Absolutely not,” Sirius snatched the box out of his hands and set it back on the display, “who the hell wants their chocolate beating inside their stomach? You have to wonder who invented some of these sweets.”

“I d’know,” Remus grinned, “I’ve always been pretty partial to cockroach clusters.”

“Well then don’t be surprised to find some in your stocking on Christmas morning.” Sirius said, smiling wickedly.

James had drifted towards the boxes of acid pops, “you’ve burned a hole in my heart,” he muttered to himself, fingering one thoughtfully.

“And that’s also going to be a no,” Sirius pulled him away by the hood of his cloak, “I’m going to have to advise you against any displays of love that involve injuring yourself for the sake of Lily’s attention. It’s not a smooth look.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” James rumpled his hair into even greater disarray, matching the miserable expression on his face. “I just...I just never thought being in love would feel like  _ this _ . It’s absolutely miserable. She’s practically all I can think about, I’m desperate for her to even glance my way, and when I try to fall asleep at night I just end up listing the thousand times I’ve behaved like an absolute prat in front of her.”

“Unfortunately with you, that’s a pretty long list,” Sirius patted James’s shoulder sympathetically, offering him a piece of maple chocolate he’d broken off the display.

James glared at him while Remus laughed.

Sirius paid for a hefty bag of sweets, and they exited the shop, their breath coming in puffs in the clear, bright day.

“Honestly…” James started and then stopped, looking down as they walked towards Zonkos.

“What?” Remus prodded. 

“Sometimes I wonder if this is  _ it _ . If anything will ever happen between me and Lily. This might be as far as our story together gets. Me pining hopelessly after her. Her ignoring me - rightly so - because I am often an absolute idiot, and then that’s it. We graduate. Go our separate paths. School memories fading distantly behind us. For the past two years I’ve been so caught up thinking about the two of us. But sometimes...sometimes I think there might never  _ be _ a ‘two of us.’”

They continued walking, other groups of students milling around them, talking and laughing.

Remus reached over and patted James’s shoulder, unsure of what to say. 

Lily and James had something of a contentious history. James had fancied her practically since their first year, and had acted on those feelings by showing off and swaggering whenever she was nearby.

It was only in the last few months that he’d become a bit more clear-headed about the whole thing. 

They’d all grown up in the past year, really. 

Death Eater attacks had grown increasingly frequent over the past year. James’s own grandparents had been killed over the summer on their way to the Ministry to testify in a trial against Theodore Nott, a neighbor of theirs who had been placed under arrest and alleged to be a Death Eater. The dark wizard who’d killed them still hadn’t been caught.

It was this loss more than anything that had changed James in the past few months. He had loving parents, was good at sports, had always been popular - nearly everything in his life had come easily to him. Confronting his grandparent’s death had been one of the first truly difficult things he’d had to encounter in his life, and it had changed him. 

He was quieter, more thoughtful. He wrote home to his parents more often. Perhaps most importantly, he’d completely stopped bullying Severus Snape, a fellow sixth-year in Slytherin with whom he’d shared a mutual loathing from the first time they’d set eyes on each other on the Hogwarts express.

In a society marked by fear and violence, perhaps he’d finally realized that he didn’t want to add to that hatred. At least, that was Remus’s theory. 

“Chin up mate,” Sirius said sympathetically, “you’re much less of an idiot in front of her this year, she’s bound to notice that eventually. Besides,” he added bracingly, “you’ve got us marauders - whad’you need a girl for anyways?”

“Hmm I don’t know,” James said musingly, “maybe for things like  _ snogging _ ? Unless you’re offering Padfoot?” he turned to Sirius with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Don’t pretend I wouldn’t be amazing,” Sirius shot back, “but sorry James, I’m just not sure you’re my type.”

“Well, then who  _ do _ you like?” James pressed, “practically every girl in the school fancies you. There must be  _ one _ of them who could meet your ridiculously high standards. Is it Emmeline Vance? Mary Caldwelder?”

Sirius shrugged mysteriously, “Let’s just say I’ve got my eye on someone special, and I’m waiting to see if they feel the same way.”

Remus blushed, and shrugged Sirius’s scarf up higher to hide his face, hoping James wouldn’t notice. 

Was it possible that Sirius was talking about  _ him _ ?

He and Sirius had always bantered with each other, enjoyed a special closeness when the other two weren’t around, but in the past few months, it had begun to feel increasingly like they were  _ flirting _ . 

That was the awkward thing about falling in love with your best friend, it was so hard to know whether it was all just in your head, or if there really was something  _ more _ going on. The boundaries between friendship and love could become blurry. 

Besides, he tried to clear his thoughts, it was absurd to think that Sirius might fancy  _ him _ . Not when Sirius, dark, mysterious, and gorgeous, could have his pick of anyone in the school (boy or girl). 

No, he, Remus, was aggressively average, and it was ridiculous to think that Sirius might like an anxious werewolf who’d never be able to make much of himself in life. Because that was the problem, wasn’t it? No matter how long he studied or how hard he worked, he’d never be able to escape himself - and that self would always be a werewolf. 

Again lost in thought, he barely noticed when they reached Zonkos. He listened with one ear as James and Sirius debated the various merits of stink bombs versus dung pellets, throwing in a half hearted comment every few minutes whenever the conversation seemed to demand his participation.

“I’ve got to go to the post office,” James said finally, glancing at his watch, “I’m waiting for my parents to send me my train ticket home for Christmas. Do you lot want to come with me? Or shall we all just meet at The Three Broomsticks when I’m done?”

“Meet us at The Three Broomsticks,” Sirius tugged on a striped crimson and gold hat as they prepared to step into the cold again, “I’ll order us some mulled cider so it’ll be ready by the time you’re done.”

James headed left towards the post office, and Remus and Sirius turned right, the wind whipping against them as they shouldered their way through the cold. 

“So…” Remus began hesitantly, he’d been trying to find a good time to bring this up with Sirius, “you’re not going home with James for Christmas?” 

Sirius was like a second son to the Potters, and he’d gone home with James every Christmas starting their second year. As the only Gryffindor in a family of Slytherins, Sirius had a difficult and often confrontational relationship with his own family.

“No,” Sirius answered glumly, “I talked it over with James a month or two ago. After everything that happened with his grandparents this year, his parents need a quiet holiday with just their family. I completely understand...it’s just,” he scuffed his shoe moodily against the ground, “they always treat me like I’m their son, and it’s times like these that I remember that I’m not. I never really will be.” he laughed bitterly, “at least my real parents don’t have to put up with their disappointment of a son either. Thank God Hogwarts lets students stay over the holidays.” 

After a moment he softened slightly, glancing over at Remus, “It’ll be brilliant getting to spend the holiday with you though. I can’t believe it’s our first Christmas together.”

“I know,” Remus said dryly, “my parents couldn’t have picked a better Christmas to go visit my sick grandmum in the country.” 

They’d originally planned on having Remus come with them, but Remus had pleaded an excess of homework, and told them he didn’t mind spending Christmas at Hogwarts. Privately, he knew that having to pay for his train ticket as well as their own would have been too difficult. They were barely scraping along as it was. 

Besides, he could think of worse things than spending the holiday with Sirius. He smiled softly to himself.

“I’m sorry you’re not going home with James,” he said, as they reached the Three Broomsticks, “but I think we’re going to have a good time together.”

“Me too.” Sirius’s devilish smile was once more on his face.

He pushed open the door and the cheerful din of the noisy pub wafted over them. They stepped inside, the warmth smarting against their cold cheeks.

Remus settled himself into a quiet booth in the corner, while Sirius headed over to the counter to order their cider.

A moment later, Lily Evans slid into the seat beside Remus, her cheeks still flushed from the cold.

“Hi,” she said smiling, “I saw you sitting here all alone and I couldn’t resist joining you,”

“Sirius is just at the counter, and James should be here in a few minutes, but thanks!” He grinned back, and glanced over at Sirius.

His smile slowly faded, Sirius was still at the counter, but he appeared to be deep in conversation with a very pretty snub-nosed and freckled witch with wavy blonde hair. Sirius laughed at something he said, and Remus felt his stomach clench, as he saw her reach out and rest her hand on Sirius’s arm.

“Well, I’ll leave you lot to it then,” Lily stood up to leave, “Alice and Mary should be here soon to meet me.”

“No! Stay!” Remus said, suddenly fierce. If Sirius was going to talk to a girl than why shouldn’t he? 

“All right…” Lily said slowly, sitting back down and looking at him curiously. She glanced over and saw Sirius, “ah,” she said sympathetically, and pushed her flagon of butterbeer towards Remus. 

He took a grateful sip, the buttery warmth of it spreading throughout his body, making him feel slightly better.

“Thanks,” he pushed it back towards her. “What are you doing for Christmas?” he asked, determined not to look at Sirius blatantly flirting with  _ that girl _ . 

“Oh, I’m going home.” Lily answered.

“Well that’ll be nice, won’t it?” Remus didn’t know much about Lily’s family except that they were muggles.

“I suppose,” Lily rolled her eyes, “my older sister Petunia’s been unbearably stuck up ever since she started university though. Still it’ll be nice to be with my family. I bought them these,” She held up a heavy Honeydukes bag, “My Mum and Dad love magical things, they can’t get enough of Sugar Mice and Chocolate Frogs. Think they’re absolutely adorable. Petunia hates magic though, so I got her this.” she pulled out a plain, black notebook, “The calendar page changes to reflect the day’s weather, but it was the most normal thing I could find around here.” She shrugged, “What about you?”

“Oh, I’ll be staying in school,” he tried to sound casual, “I want to get a head start on the work for next term.”

“Besides,” he added, trying to sound slightly less pathetic, “Sirius will be staying in too.”

“That’s right,” She gave him a scrutinizing look, “He isn’t going to Potter’s house this year, is he.”

“No, his parents wanted a quiet holiday after...everything that happened with his grandparents.”

They fell uncomfortably silent for a moment. Tragedy had become nearly commonplace among Hogwarts students, but that didn’t make it less awkward to discuss.

“He’s changed, hasn’t he?” Lily said abruptly.

“Who, James?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think you can go through something like that and  _ not _ change.” Remus shrugged, “sometimes it’s the bad stuff that reveals who we really are, deep down.” 

“Yes, I suppose that’s true…” Lily seemed lost in thought.

Remus eyed her closely...was it possible...could it be...that she was starting to see James differently?

“He’ll be here soon you know,” he tried to sound casual, “in case you want to have a drink with all of us.”

“Well,” Lily sounded unsure, “I don’t see what could be the harm in that.” She glanced around, “I have no idea where Mary and Alice have gone off to, so I might as well wait with you.”

They chatted for a few more minutes, Remus glancing over every so often at Sirius and the girl who, infuriatingly, he was  _ still _ talking to. 

He’d always liked talking with Lily, she was easygoing, smart, funny. They sometimes studied together for exams, and they’d been neck and neck for top of the class since their first year. 

Her brilliance came naturally to her though, whereas Remus’s good marks mostly stemmed from hours of hard work and practice. 

It was hard to resent her for it though, as she was always the first to lend him notes or offer to study with him on those occasional days when he missed class after the full moon - too ill from the residual effects of his transformation to attend. 

Perhaps best of all, she’d never once asked him about his mysterious absences, never even displayed the slightest flicker of curiosity, although he was sure she must have wondered. 

They were in the middle of discussing Slughorn’s last potions exam in great detail when Sirius finally sauntered over, his hands full of mugs of hot cider.

“Move over,” he said, grinning at Remus.

Remus slid over in the booth, but didn’t return the smile.

“Like I was saying Lily,” Remus turned back to her pointedly, “I thought it was clever to ask us to list the ingredients for draught of the living dead because in listing them you have to be sure to include the fact that the dandelions  _ have _ to be picked under the full moon-”

“Sirius,” she cut him off, “who was the girl you were talking to?”

Remus glared at her, but she just raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, the blonde one?” Sirius languidly took a sip of his cider, “Her name’s Cynthia. I heard her mention that she’s an auror with the ministry. I was trying to talk her up, because firstly, I wanted her to buy me a firewhisky, and secondly, I wanted to know if the auror department was accepting any new recruits.”

“And did you get your firewhisky?” Lily asked eagerly.

“Obviously not,” Sirius sighed, “right when she was about to order it for me, Nigel Barker walked up and told me that McGonagall had asked him to remind me that I have two outstanding detentions with her that I have to do before Christmas. The stupid prat clearly can’t read a room. And Cynthia was a bit horrified to learn that I was sixteen.”

Lily roared with laughter, and Remus, unable to help himself, joined in. 

“What’s so funny?” a windswept James appeared, his eyes flickering to Lily, as he sat down next to Sirius.

“That poor girl at the bar thought Sirius was a proper adult,” Lily laughed, “until her fantasy was rudely interrupted by hearing that he has detention with McGonagall.”

“Ah McGonagall,” James grinned, “she’ll be getting the best of us long after we’ve graduated.”

“Maybe. But Cynthia  _ did _ tell me that the Auror department is looking for new recruits,” Sirius turned thoughtful, “Honestly, after Hogwarts that’s what I think I want to do.”

“They only accept top students,” Lily smirked, “maybe try a bit harder on our next exam and Remus and I won’t beat you so easily.”

“Yes, well now I’ve got a purpose, haven’t I?” Sirius’s eyes were alight with a strange glow, “fighting dark wizards? Tracking down illegal objects? It’d be the perfect penance for my family.” He fell silent, his cheeks flushed. He didn't usually discuss his family with people outside of their small friend group.

Lily looked equally uncomfortable. “Er, I’m actually in Ancient Runes club with your brother Regulus,” she seemed to be trying to change the subject, “He seems like a sweet kid. Really bright.”

Sirius snorted, but fell silent, taking a long swig of cider.

“Did you get your train ticket?” Remus turned to James, also attempting to switch the tack of their conversation.

“Yep!” James pulled an envelope out of his pocket, “I’ll be taking the six o’clock train tomorrow.” He sighed, “I’m going to miss you lot over the holidays though. Don’t have  _ too _ much fun without me.”

“Just me and Sirius? I doubt we’ll be doing much without you and Peter around.”

Was it his imagination or had Lily just winked at him?

“Oh don’t be  _ too _ sure about that Remus,” Sirius sat forward in his chair, a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “I actually did have something planned for just the two of us.”

“What?” Remus was genuinely curious, but despite several minutes of pestering, Sirius remained silent on the matter, grinning mysteriously in response to Remus’s attempts to pry it out of him.

The next twenty minutes passed quickly, as they chatted and drank cider, the warm fire flickering in the background.

He supposed Lily had never really sat down with their group before beyond the confines of mandated group work in class, and it was nice to have her. She blended seamlessly in, was clever and funny, and managed to keep even Sirius on his toes. Lily Evans would have to stick around.

Finally, James glanced down at his watch, and his eyebrows shot up, “Blimey,” he pushed away his empty mug, “it’s getting late. We need to leave if we want to get back to the castle before dark.”

Slowly getting to their feet, they shrugged on their cloaks to leave, and stepped out once again into the cold.

The sun was starting to set, and a deeper chill had entered the air. 

The streets of Hogsmeade were crowded with students returning to the castle.

Sirius frowned after yet another third year bumped into his elbow, rushing to get back before dark, “C’mon,” he gestured at an alleway nestled between two shops, “I know a shortcut for getting back to the main road.”

James, Lily and Remus trailed behind him as he turned down the dark alley.

They passed by several overflowing rubbish bins and wooden crates, the alleyway lined with scuffed backdoors that led into the shops. 

They were halfway to the end of the alley when two people stepped out in front of them, blocking their path. In the quickening darkness, Remus couldn’t make out who they were, only that they were wearing Hogwarts robes.

Lily must have recognized them though, for she abruptly stopped walking. “Avery. Mulciber.” her voice sounded tight.

Sirius had also stopped walking as they stood directly in front of him, blocking their way forward.

“Evans,” the taller of the two sneered, Remus could see his face now. He recognized Avery, a cold-faced Slytherin in their year. Remus had heard rumors last year that Avery had experimented with dark magic on a house elf, but no proof had ever been found, so he’d walked away unpunished. 

Mulciber had flickering dark eyes with an equally cold glint. Remus didn’t know much about him except that he ran with the same gang of Slytherins, a group which included Severus Snape.

“Let us by,” Sirius’s voice was harsh as he stared down the two boys.

A thrill of dread shot through Remus. He didn’t like seeing Sirius in the near-dark, being glared at by two Slytherins with outstretched wands.

Slowly, Remus slipped his own wand out of his pocket. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that James had done the same.

“‘Dunno why we should let you pass Evans,” Mulciber drawled at Lily, “I’ve never been one to do favors for filthy mudbloods,”

“You take that back!” James shouted, furious, his wand leveled with Mulciber’s face. 

“James, calm down,” Lily’s voice had a forced coolness to it, she gave a sharp look at the two Slytherins, “I can’t imagine what the fun is in blocking our path, but it would be wise of you to move seeing as you’re outnumbered by us two to one.”

“Are we?” Avery’s wand was pointing at them now.

Footsteps sounded behind them. Remus whirled around, two more Slytherin boys had emerged from behind them, cutting off any retreat. Remus could just make out the faces of Evan Rosier and Fredrick Wilkes. They were both smirking maliciously, enjoying Remus’s clear discomfort.

Instinctively, the four Gryffindors stepped closer to each other, wands out protectively. 

“You’re being a bit idiotic really,” Sirius stepped in front of Lily, wand oustretched, his voice tight with anger, “I was in dueling club with you in fourth year. You got taken out by that first year Hufflepuff. You have to realize this can’t possibly be a good idea.”

“It’s always a good idea to remind mudbloods and blood traitors of their place,” Avery’s voice had taken on a distinctly menacing tone, “Sirius Black,” he said the name slowly, as though savoring it’s cadences, “the epitome of a blood traitor. We’ve been wanting to have a chat with you. It pains us to see a pure blood degrading his status, hanging out with slime and muck like this. Your poor parents. They asked my father if I could keep an eye on you, make sure you don’t disgrace the Black family name too much. But I think it’s a little late for that. If I were them, I'd have died of shame a long time ago rather than keep living with  _ you _ as a son.” 

“Potter’s no better,” Mulciber snickered, “his disgusting muggle-loving grandparents got what they deserved.”

“Shut up!” Sirius roared, furious.

James looked like he’d been slapped across the face.

“I suppose Evans is right where she belongs then,” Avery said, smiling cruelly, “with all the rest of the wizard filth and grime. The only thing that would make me happier is if her family had been killed today in the attack, but,” he shrugged, “we can’t have everything.”

“Attack?” Lily’s voice was shaking with anger.

“Of course,” Mulciber chortled, “you don’t even know about it yet. Well, you’ll find out soon enough.”

Avery’s eyes suddenly fixed on Remus. A cold glint of recognition flickered across his face.

“Remus Lupin,” he said silkily, “I barely noticed you hiding behind your friends. I have regards for you from a friend of my father’s - Fenrir Greyback, I think you know him? He asked me to tell you that he hopes he’ll be seeing you again soon. His last visit with you was much too rushed.” 

It felt as though ice water had been dumped into Remus’s veins. He went cold, frozen at the torrent of memories the name Fenrir Greyback had unleashed. How did Avery know that name?

“What is he talking about?” He distantly heard Lily mutter to James, sounding confused.

“Oh, didn’t you know?” Avery laughed cruelly, “your friend Lupin is the dirtiest of all of you,”

Remus closed his eyes, heart pounding. This was it. Avery was about to unleash his secret. And then everyone would know. There was no turning back from the truth.

“after all,” Avery continued, “he  _ is _ a were-”

He was abruptly cut off by Sirius who gave a yell of pure rage and punched him squarely in the jaw. 

Avery crumpled to the ground with a moan.

Mulciber raised his wand towards them, rage glinting in his eyes. 

“You’ll pay for that,” he growled at Sirius.

“ _ Expelliarmus!” _ Lily shouted, and Mulciber’s wand clattered out of his hands. 

His eyes full of malice, Mulciber dove for his wand, turned on his heel and disapparated with a sharp CRACK.

“ _ Stupefy! _ ” a jet of red light shot out of James’s wand, hitting one of the Slytherins behind them, who immediately toppled over. 

The fourth boy shot a curse at Lily, who ducked. It exploded against the wall of the alleyway. 

With one last look of fury, he took off running.

Avery groaned and stirred on the ground in front of them.

“Come  _ on! _ ” Lily sounded panicked, “let’s get out of here!” She grabbed James by the arm and started sprinting towards the main road, Sirius behind them.

Remus remained rooted in place. He couldn’t move. He was still frozen in fear.  _ Fenrir Greyback, Fenrir Greyback _ , his mind muttered the name over and over again. 

“Remus?” Sirius turned around at the end of the alley, his eyes lighting with panic when he saw Remus still standing in the same spot.

He ran back to Remus, grabbed his arm and tried to tug him away.

Remus couldn’t move. He was being stupid. But he felt so far away from his body. He didn’t think his feet would listen to his commands even if he tried.

_ Fenrir Greyback, Fenrir Greyback _ , his mind continued to chant.

“Remus?” Sirius tilted his chin up, his black eyes full of worry, forcing Remus to meet his gaze,“Remus, I  _ know _ . I know. But we need to get out of here.”

He pulled Remus roughly into an embrace for a moment, before stepping back.

And Remus’s mind unfroze. He blinked, taking in the situation around them more fully, the prone Slytherins beginning to stir. The alleyway completely dark now.

He grabbed Sirius’s arm and together they ran down the alleyway, James and Lily waiting at the end.

They kept running until they’d reached the main road, nearly empty except for a few late students straggling back to the castle in small groups. 

They were panting when they finally slowed to a walk.

“I’m telling McGonagall,” was the first thing Lily said, in between gasps. She sounded furious.

“And what’s she going to be able to do?” James said bitterly, “all the teachers know about the stupid gang of Slytherins, but until they do something really terrible nothing’s going to happen to them.”

“Besides,” Sirius said dully, “I threw the first punch. I’ll land in detention even faster than they will.”

“It’s not right,” Lily fumed, “it’s just  _ not right! _ ” 

Then, to Remus’s surprise, she burst into tears. He’d never seen Lily less then cool and collected.

James shot Remus a look of horror as he reached out to tentatively pat her shoulder.

“There, there,” he said hesitantly, “those Slytherins are idiots. Everyone knows all that stupid stuff about blood purity is nonsense. They just like to shout louder than the rest of the world.”

“That’s the problem though, isn’t it?” Lily sniffed, swiping a hand across her cheek, “they  _ are _ shouting louder. They’re gaining more traction. He Who Must Not Be Named gets more and more followers each year.” she paused, “I don’t know what the future looks like for muggle borns like me. And I  _ hate _ that. I hate that this world that I worked so hard to be a part of doesn’t want me back.”

“It’s not like that.” James said hotly, “Of course I want you!  _ Er  _ \- of course  _ we _ want you,” he quickly corrected himself, looking embarrassed.

Lily didn’t respond. The castle was in sight now. Her cheeks were glazed with tears as she gazed up at the lights of Hogwarts, looking at it from the outside as though seeing it clearly for the first time.

She shivered slightly.

James shrugged off his cloak and softly wrapped it around her shoulders. They continued walking towards Hogwarts in silence.

They finally reached the castle several minutes later, pushing open the heavy oak doors and stepping into the warm entrance hall.

“There you are,” Professor McGonagall stood in the entryway, herding students into the Great Hall. Her mouth was a thin line, and she had a worried look in her eyes, barely taking in their disheveled appearance, “everyone’s to go immediately into the Great Hall. The headmaster has an announcement.”

The entire school was already gathered as the four of them joined the Gryffindor table. The chatter was quieter than usual, and many students looked worried. 

Looking deeply somber, Dumbledore stepped up to the podium to address them. Silence fell immediately.

“As some of you may have heard, there was a Death Eater attack today.” he began, his voice calm and even, “it took place on a crowded street in London near Parliament. I am deeply saddened to report that forty-three lives were taken.”

He paused to survey the room, his eyes sweeping across the assembled students,

“It is difficult to understand senseless acts of terror,” he continued, “but I urge each one of you to view this as a call to unity. To remember not what separates us from each other, but what brings us together. Fear can only prey on those who are afraid. Divisiveness can only split apart those who do not stand together. Every drop of blood that is spilled, whether magical or not is a tremendous loss to the world, I hope that every one of you gathered here today can recognize that.”

He was silent for a moment before he continued, “It is on this note that I regret to inform you that in the current state of danger, we are locking down Hogwarts for the next week. No one will be able to exit or enter the school grounds until we are able to sufficiently ensure the safety of each and every one of our students both in and around the castle.”

Cries of protest spread throughout the great hall.

Dumbledore raised a hand for silent, “I sincerely apologize, as I know many of you were looking forward to going home for Christmas. However, your safety is our top priority, and I believe that in that respect, your parents will agree with us. I will assure you, however, for those who have never spent Christmas at Hogwarts before - it is a holiday that you will be sure to remember. On that note, I bid you goodnight.” 

The hall immediately filled with the chatter of hundreds of students - all suddenly trapped in Hogwarts for Christmas.

James pulled his train ticket out of his pocket and stared at it for a second, then crumpled it into a ball in a single angry motion. His eyes tightened for a moment, before he glanced up at Remus and Sirius and forced a grin, “I suppose this will be our first ever Marauder’s Christmas. I don’t know why we didn’t think to do it sooner.”


	6. Chapter 6

Later that night, Remus lay in bed, his eyes wide open, heart pounding. His mind couldn’t stop replaying the events of that afternoon in a seemingly endless loop.

The worst feeling, he’d decided, was the feeling of seeing his friends in danger, and being so  _ powerless _ . He’d frozen up so entirely he hadn’t even been good at running away. He was an embarrassment to Gryffindor. 

Avery had known he was a werewolf. Had mentioned Fenrir Greyback. Remus’s stomach clenched again at the memory. How had Avery known? Remus didn’t even know anything about the werewolf who’d attacked him as a child, except his name. He’d never felt so vulnerable before. Avery could tell anyone in the school if he wanted to. Remus didn’t know what he’d do if everyone in Hogwarts found out. Die of shame most likely. Maybe settle for running away forever if he was in a good mood. 

The wolf half of him disgusted him. He was a monster. Meant to hurt other people. 

“Remus,” a voice whispered in the darkness.

He sat up, Sirius was also awake, arms wrapped around his knees, a look of total misery on his face.

“I can’t sleep.” Sirius whispered, “will you come sit with me?” a note of pleading crept into his voice.

Remus nodded, padded softly over to Sirius’s bed and sat down gingerly on the end. 

James’s gentle snores signaled that they were the only two still awake.

“It was all my fault,” for once, Sirius wouldn’t meet his eyes, “everything that happened today.”

“What are you talking about?”

“My parents. Before I left for school they told me they’d asked the sons of some of their friends to keep an eye on me. I thought it was an empty threat, but…” he trailed off, “And then I was stupid enough to lead us down that alleyway. I was practically begging for trouble. Next time it could be so much worse. You know my cousin Bellatrix is a Death Eater, don’t you?” he sounded bitter, “this isn’t always going to stay within the realm of school yard fights. Next time you or James or Lily could end up really hurt. Could end up dead.”

“You’re being an idiot,” Remus said calmly, “those Slytherin morons would pick a fight with anything that moves. Besides, they already hated Lily. Me and and James too for that matter.”

“I’m serious,” Sirius hissed angrily, “I’m putting all of you in danger every time we’re seen together. It would... _ kill _ me if something happened to any of you.” it sounded as though the words were wrenched from somewhere deep within his chest.

He tucked his head into his knees so Remus could no longer see his face, his back shaking slightly with silent sobs.

Remus was at a total loss. Sirius was the strong one, the brave one, the one who never gave a damn. It was frightening to see him so scared. 

Gingerly, he reached an arm around Sirius’s shaking shoulders, pulling him tight against him. Sirius’s body was warm through the thin material of his pyjamas. Remus felt his breath catch in his throat. What was he doing? But he just wanted Sirius to know Remus was there. Would always be there. Without really knowing what he was doing, he gently took Sirius’s hand in his. Sirius’s hand was warm, a little rough.

Sirius leaned into Remus’s chest, took one more shuddering breath, and then was silent. 

“Sirius Black,” Remus said softly, “Arrogant and a bit too aware of how handsome you are  _ maybe _ , but I never thought you were stupid. Death eaters don’t need a reason to kill. They destroy because they can’t stand to see a society built on goodness and equality. It doesn’t matter if one of them’s your cousin. They’d just as soon kill me for looking at them the wrong way as for being your friend. And don’t you see it? James, Peter, and I, we’d all rather die being your friend than live without you. You’re the one that brought all of us together. And...I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it.”

It was dark and Sirius needed to know he wasn’t alone. At least that’s how Remus was choosing to explain to himself how he’d suddenly grown so bold. With one last feat of daring, he leaned his head down and rested it on Sirius’s shoulder. He was suddenly acutely aware that he could feel Sirius’s heart beating against his chest. That they were holding hands. That they were curled up together in Sirius’s bed. 

He closed his eyes, suddenly sleepy. He hoped this wasn’t just a dream.

✷✷✷

Remus awoke when the first ray of sun hit his eyes, feeling totally disoriented. He sat up with a jolt. Was he in Sirius’s bed?

Sirius’s arm was slung across his waist, pinning him to the bed. Sirius was breathing softly, still asleep. His face was turned away from Remus, who could only see the back of his tousled, thick hair.

The memories of last night came rushing back to Remus, and he blushed. What did this mean for them?

And what about James - had he seen them?

Heart pounding, he looked over at James’s bed. It was empty. 

James must already be at breakfast. 

Remus’s stomach gave a terrible jolt. Surely he’d seen Remus asleep in Sirius’s bed. What had he thought?

As far as he could tell (and since James frequently tried to set Remus up on dates with James’s distant cousin Agnes in Ravenclaw), James had never picked up on...well.. _ whatever _ was going on with him and Sirius.

Carefully, he lifted Sirius’s arm up, and rolled out from under him, wincing slightly as his bare feet hit the cold stone floor.

Sirius groaned and rolled over in his sleep. 

The ray of sun that had woken Remus bathed half of Sirus’s face in light. It illuminated the subtle golden threads in his dark hair. The faint smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose. He was so bloody gorgeous it was infuriating. 

He was being ridiculous. Sirius had been frightened last night, and Remus had comforted him. It probably wasn’t as significant to Sirius as it had felt to Remus. 

Of course, Sirius had never properly dated anyone either (despite the fact nearly any girl in the school would have given up their wand to go out with him), but he just always seemed so  _ knowledgeable _ . Hinted vaguely about past stories of whirlwind romances that occurred over the summer holidays. He’d certainly kissed at least one (if not several) girls. Physical contact probably wasn’t as meaningful for him as it was for Remus.

Nobody wanted to touch a werewolf though, and Remus couldn’t blame them.

Remus shrugged off his pyjamas, hurriedly pulling on a shirt and trousers, stowing his wand in his pocket. 

He’d just pushed open the door to leave when he heard a rustling of quilts behind him.

“Wher’you rushing off to Moony?” Sirus’s groggy voice came from behind him.

“Just breakfast,” he refused to turn around, didn’t want Sirius to see how his face had flushed beet red. He dashed down the staircase, ignoring Sirius calling his name behind him.

The Great Hall seemed even noisier than usual. Most of the students had been on the verge of escaping school for the next week, and now they were all stuck. There was a nearly tangible feeling of restlessness in the air.

James was sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table next to Lily. Remus watched as she laughed at something James said, and an irrepressible grin spread over James’s face as though he couldn’t quite believe his good luck. 

Remus’s stomach twinged again. He didn’t want to face James either. Perhaps he’d just sneak a piece of toast out and eat it in the library.

He did that sometimes when he was feeling overwhelmed. Nothing felt quite as calming as peaceful rows of bookshelves, the soothing smell of old bindings. 

He palmed a piece of toast out of the basket and slunk out of the hall, trying to look inconspicuous. 

In the library he settled down into his favorite nook, a window seat in the very back behind the Mythical and Fantastic Beasts section.

Remus had always been fond of learning about other magical creatures. He supposed it was some subverted way of trying to make sense of himself. His favorite book was a well-thumbed copy of  _ Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _ . He’d read it so often that the cover was hanging on by a thread, and several pages had fallen out of the binding. He’d been meaning to replace it, but never managed to save up quite enough money. He loved reading about griffins and imps and kneazles and jobberknols and kelpies and sea dragons. It reminded him that he was never quite done learning about the world. That there was a beauty and strength to magical creatures that he sometimes forgot about. 

The only section he didn’t like, but somehow could never seem to stop himself from reading, was the one on werewolves. They had received a Ministry of Magic classifications of XXXXX - known wizard killer. Remus had read the section so many times that he’d memorized the words, and he shuddered slightly, as they echoed in his mind, “Once a month, at the full moon, the otherwise sane and normal wizard or Muggle afflicted, transforms into a murderous beast. Almost uniquely among fantastic creatures, the werewolf actively seeks humans in preference to any other kind of prey.”  _ Murderous beast _ .  _ Human prey. _

Sighing, his mind flitted back to more pressing problems.

He leaned back against the cold window, the glass frosted with whorls of ice, and took a bite of his toast. 

How the hell was he going to make it through Christmas if he couldn’t look Sirius or James in the eye?

Maybe he’d just stay in the library for the next week. That wouldn’t be so bad.

Two hours later he was still curled up in the window. He’d begun reading a book that he’d pulled at random from the shelf entitled  _ A Comprehensive History of Eyvil Beasts and Daemons.  _

It was very old and the author seemed to hold some outmoded beliefs. In the chapter on vampires he’d written:  _ Vampires can most certainly turn into bats. In the new colony of Australia, they can transform into a strange eyvil creature called a ‘wombat,’ which is a related species.  _

Remus chuckled softly to himself.

“Are you hiding from me?”

He sat up abruptly, the book sliding out of his hands. 

Sirius was leaning against a bookcase, his hands slung casually in his pockets. His hair was ruffled and damp, still wet from the shower. 

He was still wearing his checkered pyjama bottoms. It wasn’t fair that he looked this good with absolutely no effort. 

“N-no,” Remus stammered, his traitorous cheeks flushing as usual. “I just had to do some...reading.” He gestured lamely at the book. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow skeptically. 

With a sigh, he walked over and sank onto the seat next to Remus. 

“Look...if this is about what happened...last night, I talked to James and everything’s fine. I told him that we were just talking and accidently fell asleep. He’s so distracted by the fact that Lily sat next to him at breakfast that I barely think he noticed.” He gazed at Remus searchingly, “So, we’re fine. Right?” 

Remus could still feel his face burning scarlet. Was that what Sirius had thought happened? Were they just two friends talking?

Of course, they’d been holding hands too, which Remus didn’t usually do with his friends. But what did Remus know. This was Sirius after all, and he could barely talk to anyone without blinding them with charm.

“Yeah. Of course we’re fine.” He picked up the book again.

“Good,” Sirius tugged the book out of his hands and tossed it aside, “then come on a walk with me. You know I can’t stand to be cooped up all day.”

Did he want to spend more time with Sirius? Everything was so confusing when he was nearby. He was too warm, too loud, too alive. But Remus couldn’t stand the sight of him walking away either.

Remus sighed and stood up. “Fine, let’s go.” He tucked the book into his bag, he’d finish it later.


	7. Chapter 7

Snow crunched under their feet as they wended their way through the trees on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. 

It was even colder than yesterday if that was possible, and their breath came in short puffs of frost.

When he’d been a child, breathing frost had been one of Remus’s favorite parts of winter: he’d always pretended he was a dragon. His chase his mother and she’d shriek, pretending to be scared.

Now being a werewolf was enough of a monster for him, and seeing his breath freeze reminded him of childhood in a sad way. Just another one of those stupid memories seeped with nostalgia and reeking of simplistic innocence in a way that seemed laughable now.

Why did everything have to get so complicated?

Couldn’t they just go back to being eleven? Or five. Being five again might be nice. The last year before he’d been bitten.

“So,” Sirius began, sounding hesitant.

Remus gave him a scrutinizing look. Was it possible that the ever-confident Sirius Black was  _ nervous? _

“I just...um...right.” Sirius trailed off.

Remus hadn’t heard Sirius stammer so badly since the time his parents had been called to Hogwarts because of a particularly bad instance of misbehavior in their fourth year. Remus might envy Sirius’s looks and confidence, but he definitely didn’t envy his parents. Sirius had been quiet and withdrawn for days after they’d come. Remus had never asked him what transpired between them.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, looking embarrassed. “Right.” He took a breath. “I just wanted to say thank you...for calming me down last night. For being a good friend. You know I hate talking about my family. But whenever they rear their ugly head like that, it rattles me. So...thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Remus sighed, “we all have our demons Sirius, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know. Sometimes I just feel like...you’re the only person I can talk to about these things. James is just too bloody well-adjusted to understand us.” Sirius laughed darkly. 

“Us?” Remus blushed. But he wanted to finally cut through the strands of ambiguity. He wanted to know what Sirius was thinking, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

For a moment, Sirius was silent, and Remus wondered if he’d even heard him.

But then Remus snuck a glance at Sirius’s face. Sirius was gazing at him so intensely that Remus flushed an even deeper shade of red. 

Sirius stopped walking and stepped in front of Remus so that they were standing face to face. He leaned in, they were so close now that the tips of their noses nearly touched. Remus could see his own reflection in Sirius’s black eyes. His breath warmed Remus’s cheek. 

“Remus…” his voice was low and intense, “of course there’s an ‘us.’ There’s always been an ‘us.” 

Remus couldn’t breathe. Everything was too hot and too cold all at once. It was as though he was suddenly in outer space, everything else had been sucked away, even the air, and it was just the two of them.

“You mean so much to me, Remus,” Sirius was gazing at him like he was the sun, like the universe revolved around him, “I like you so much.  _ So _ much. You can’t be blind to that. I want to...give us a chance.”

Remus couldn’t look away, couldn’t move, he was trapped by Sirus’s eyes, frozen by his words.

Sirius reached out and gently cradled Remus’s cheek with his hand. 

And Remus flinched away.

Sirius withdrew his hand, looking stung. 

“Sirius…” his voice cracked, “I’m sorry...but I just  _ can’t _ ...not right now.”

Sirius flushed, “do you...not feel the same way?”

“It’s not that…” Remus was stammering, his mind awash with confusion, he barely even knew what he was trying to say, only that something was standing between him and the beautiful boy in front of him, “it’s just...I just...I don’t even know what I want right now. I’m sorry. I just...need more time to think everything over.”

Hurt flashed across Sirius’s face before it was quickly covered over with a mask of calm. 

“Fine. I’m sorry I said anything to you in that case.” he said cooly, “I suppose if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

Without waiting for Remus, he turned on his heel and marched off through the snow back towards the castle.

“Wait!” Remus called, but Sirius had vanished between the trees. 

A breeze ruffled Remus’s cloak and he pulled it tighter around himself, shivering. It was cold again. For a moment, he’d forgotten it was cold.

✷✷✷

Remus sat alone at dinner that night, picking listlessly at his food. 

He was pretty sure he was cursed. Whenever anything started to go his way, he had to ruin it. Although that seemed more like a problem with himself than with magic. He was an absolute prat.

Sirius had studiously avoided him for the rest of the day, and he now sat with James at the other end of the table, talking and laughing as though he didn’t have a care in the world. 

Remus wasn’t even hungry. He didn’t know why he’d bothered coming to dinner. Except maybe to keep an eye on Sirius. But Sirius seemed fine, and there was no point in sitting here for any longer. He pushed back the bench with a screech against the stone floor, and stood up to leave. 

At that moment, the head girl Mathilda Vance bounced on stage. She was an incessantly cheerful Hufflepuff who had been surprisingly deadly the one time Remus had faced off against her in his short lived career in the dueling club.

“Good evening everyone,” She beamed around at the hall, waiting for quiet. Remus sat back down. He couldn’t walk out in the middle of her announcement. It was bloody annoying being a prefect sometimes. 

“I know that for many of us, having to spend the holidays at Hogwarts was...unexpected.” She continued, “But Charles and I have been thinking of ways to make the next week as fun as possible.” She gestured to the head boy standing several feet away from her, and looking rather embarrassed at the attention.

“With the help of the professors, we’ve planned Christmas activities over the next few days to liven up the holidays!” She clapped her hands excitedly, “Charles is going to introduce our first activity!” She grabbed the head boy, who’d been attempting to sidle even further away, and dragged him in front of the lectern.

“Er...right,” From what Remus knew about Charles, he was an extremely punctilious Ravenclaw who was an excellent student and very quiet.

He ruffled his hair looking awkward and peered out at the crowd through his spectacles, “we’ll be playing a game of Mystery Merlin,” the hall broke out into excited murmurs, “everyone will draw a slip of paper with the name of someone else in their year. You have to surprise them with a present on Christmas without them finding out who you are. The prefect of your house will have the names to draw from.” Still looking embarrassed he slunk away from the podium.

Mathilda popped up in front of Remus, holding out a goblet filled with slips of paper. “It’s spelled to only give out names of other students in the same year of whoever’s drawing, that way everyone will be sure to know the person they’re assigned to,” she said brightly, before jogging off to the Hufflepuff table. 

Excited first years crowded around Remus to draw their slips of paper.

“My turn,” with a grin, Lily appeared in front of him, reached in and drew out a scrap of paper. She read it over once, smiled, and tucked it into her pocket.

“James and Sirius are over there, pretending they’re too cool for this,” she inclined her head towards the corner of the table, where Sirius sat lounging with his feet up on the bench.

After everyone else had drawn their slips, only three remained. With a sigh, Remus stood up and walked slowly over to where James and Sirius were sitting.

“If you lot don’t play, than that means someone’s not going to get a present on Christmas,” he held out the goblet towards them.

“It’s not that we mind playing,” Sirius said cooly as he fished around for one of the slips, “it’s more of that we have a reputation of being cool to uphold, and acting excited about school mandated games would damage that carefully cultivated persona.” 

He unfolded his slip, read it, and pocketed it. His face remained impassive.

James reached in next, frowned, and crumpled his. 

“What if we barely know the person?” he asked Remus, “can we switch for someone better?”

“No.” Remus answered shortly. Everything felt so awkward between the three of them. He needed to patch things up with Sirius. 

Only one scrap of paper remained. Remus took it out it and smoothed it open. Written in sparkling lilac ink (clearly by Mathilda) was the name  _ Severus Snape _ .

✷✷✷

Remus hid in the library again the next day. In the history section this time, since he’d clearly been too predictable yesterday. 

A frosty silence had settled between him and Sirius, and Remus was miserable.

He wished Sirius had just given him more time to try and explain himself, not that he even really knew what he was thinking.

But he hadn't expected Sirius to be so open with him, and when he’d hesitated in reciprocating, Sirus’s anger had caught him equally off guard. 

There was a small nook between the  _ history of magical cooking implements _ shelf, and the  _ goblin wars and treaties _ shelf. If he flattened himself against the wall, he’d be invisible to anyone walking by the aisle.

Remus tucked himself onto the floor between the two shelves, leaning his back against the side of the bookcase, and pulled out the book from yesterday.

He’d already read the vampire, mermaid, and kappa sections. He thumbed open to the next chapter.

A vivid ink illustration covered the page, depicting a giant wolf standing over a mauled human body, a full moon shining above their heads. 

His stomach gave a familiar jolt of recognition. Of course. His favorite section of any book on magical creatures: werewolves. 

_ One of the most fearsome of all magical beasts _ , the chapter began,  _ the wyrewolf combines the intelligence and magycal ability of a wizard with the brute strength and savage nature of a wolf. When this burdensome curse takes hold of afflicted wizards, nothing shall stop them in their fierce desire to sate themselves with magycal blood. They care not for the cries of the innocent, and allow themselves to be consumed with the desire to hunt. A wyrewolf bite may kill a wizard, or turn the injured wizard into another wyrewolf. Only wizards with a savage nature turn into wyrewolves if they are bitten. Truly good wizards will die if bitten, rather than allow themselves to become monsters. Thus wyrewolves remain on the fringes of our goode society, for they can only hide their beastly nature for so long before it is revealed. _

Remus closed the book, his heart thudding. He knew it wasn’t true. All research pointed to the fact that the difference between becoming a werewolf and dying when bitten had entirely to do with the severity of the bite, not the nature of the wizard. But then why had what he just read resonated so deeply with him. 

Sometimes when he thought about the day he’d been bitten, so long ago, he wished he  _ had _ died that day. It would have been better for everyone that way. His parents could have moved on with their lives. He’d never have put everyone he loved in danger. And he wouldn’t have to suffer like this anymore. Because sometimes it felt like there was no way forward. He would be like this forever. And he would always be trapped within himself. 

He’d been six years old the night he’d been attacked. What he remembered most about it was the unceasing pain as the magical venom entered his bloodstream, it had felt like fire was coursing through his veins. 

He remembered his mother crying, his father grim faced. A healer who had rushed to their house, examining him as he writhed in bed, and then conferring with his parents in hushed tones. “He might die.” the healer had whispered to his parents. They’d thought Remus couldn’t hear.

His parents had explained everything to him when he’d gotten better. How he’d transform once a month. How he’d have to try hard,  _ very hard _ , to not hurt anyone when he was a wolf. How this was going to be difficult but they’d get through it, and what was most important was that Remus was okay, how he was going to be okay. 

The promise that he was ‘going to be okay,’ sometimes felt like a promise that had never fully been realized. He would be like this forever, and the long awaited future of ‘okay’ remained a fantasy. A thin hope they had all clung to, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, maybe someone would find a cure, maybe Remus would be stronger than the wolf.

But no one had, and Remus was weak. Not just weak, broken. Probably irreparably so.

He’d tried to explain this to Sirius, but Sirius hadn’t listened. Remus was bad. And undeserving of good things and good people. And the further away people stayed from Remus, the safer they were.

When James, Peter, and Sirius had taken it upon themselves to become animagi, Remus had protested so vehemently that eventually they’d pretended to drop the matter entirely, only telling him what they’d done once the spell was complete.

By then they’d gone in too deep, had worked too hard and invested too much magic for Remus’s sake for him to tell them ‘no’ any longer, so he’d reluctantly agreed for them to keep him company when he transformed. 

Having his friends around him made everything different when he was a wolf. At times, he even had flashes of remembering that he was human. But whenever he took a step back, he went cold at the thought of how dangerous what they were doing was. How many times he’d almost hurt all of them. Had almost killed all of them.

He would never admit it to them, but there were so many times he’d wished that they’d never become animagi for his sake. That he could still just sit alone, howling in the shrieking shack each month. Because that way, at least, he was sure that the only person he could hurt was himself. 

A lump had gathered in his throat, and he swallowed angrily. He was being stupid, letting himself get so worked up about an old book. He just couldn’t shake the feeling that it was  _ right _ .

And everything with Sirius was compounding his misery. He wished he could just talk about it with someone. But Peter was home, he couldn’t confess to James how he felt, and Sirius was at the root of it all. 

The only person he could really talk to was...himself. Maybe writing about it would help.

He pulled a piece of parchment and quill out of his bag, and smoothed it on the floor. 

_ Dear Sirius, _ he began,  _ I’m sorry about the way I reacted. It was brave of you to tell me how you felt. You’re always so brave. I don’t know how you do it. _

_ I know I didn’t respond the way you wanted me to. The way  _ I _ wanted myself to. This is all so new.  _

_ And, to be honest, I really don’t know how I feel about... _ us _ .  _

_ I like you. An awful lot. There, I finally said it.  _

_ I like the way you smile - it always looks like you’re planning an absolutely devious prank. I like the way you let teachers forget how smart you are and then astonish them with another ridiculous feat of talent. I like the way you act like you don’t care about anything, like you’re above this entire school. But really you care an awful lot about almost everything.  _

_ I like you Sirius. I might even love you. _

_ But I’m standing in the way of myself. In the way of both of us. _

_ I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.  _

_ I also don’t know why you’d ever like me. I’m nice enough, I get good marks, I can make you laugh. But all those things are on the surface. And I don’t think anyone, not even you, sees what I’m really like, deep down.  _

_ This is also the first time I’ve ever liked a boy.  _

_ And I don’t know if I can do that to my parents. I think I’ve disappointed them in enough ways. I’m not sure if I can add this to the list. _

_ Since you’ll never see this letter, I might as well confess it to myself. I wanted to kiss you yesterday. I’ve been wondering what kissing you would feel like for months.  _

_ But nothing can happen between us. Not when I’m so afraid. _

_ I hope you understand. _

_ Remus _

He felt a little lighter. It helped to release the words. To form the jumble of his thoughts into some kind of order on a page. 

He folded the letter in half and tapped it with his wand. It burst into flames.

He held the burning parchment until the flames almost reached his fingertips, then gently blew it out, letting the last few pieces fragment into ashes in his hand.

He stood up, shaking out his stiff legs, and walked over to the window at the end of the aisle. Pushing it open, a gust of cool wind ruffling his hair, he dumped the ashes into the air. In an instant, they were swept away.


	8. Chapter 8

If Remus had it his way, he would have skipped dinner entirely that night. Of course, like most things in his life, Remus didn’t have it his way.

He was still in the library, numbly reliving his fight with Sirius for the thousandth time in his head, when a first year girl stumbled upon his hiding spot.

“Remus Lupin?” she asked, her eyes widening. When Remus nodded his assent, she pulled a piece of parchment out of her pocket, “Mathilda, the head girl, she asked me to give this to you.” Dropping it in his hands, she scurried away.

With a sigh, Remus unrolled it.

_ To all prefects: please meet me in the prefect lounge so we can discuss tonight’s activity. BRING YOUR SENSE OF ENTHUSIASM! _

These words were followed by several inked sparkly stars and hearts which had been charmed to bounce around the page.

Remus doubted he would be able to muster any enthusiasm for what Mathilda had planned. He was currently having a hard enough time mustering the will to live. Enthusiasm seemed like a bit of a stretch.

He walked slowly down the fourth floor corridor towards the lounge. 

The lounge was probably among the best benefits of being a prefect. It was a large cozy room stuffed with plump couches and armchairs. A table in the corner was always stocked with platters of biscuits and scones. Best of all, only prefects could access it. 

When the library got too noisy during exams week, the lounge was Remus’s favorite place to study. It was quiet, serene...Remus tapped on the fifth panel up on the wall and twisted the bracket of the light fixture clockwise...the wall slid open and a crush of noise greeted him. 

He was late.

All the other house prefects as well as Mathilda and Charles were already in the room, chattering to each other, and every spare surface was covered with baskets of softly glowing glass orbs.

“Remus! You’re here!” Lily grabbed him by the elbow with a smile and pulled him into the room. She moved a basket of orbs onto the floor and patted the sofa cushion next to where she’d been sitting. Remus sank down next to her.

“Right then, that’s everyone I think!” Mathilda got to her feet, beaming as usual, “I’m terribly excited about tonight’s activity, and I hope the rest of you are too!” She paused, waiting for their reaction. 

Vivian, one of the Hufflepuff prefects, let out a cheer. Everyone else laughed.

“It would help if we knew what the activity  _ is _ !” Lily called out.

“Fair enough...tonight,” she paused for dramatic effect, “we’re having a...scavenger hunt!” She clapped her hands together and let out a small squeal of excitement. “You’ll be hiding these orbs all over the castle,” she gestured at the baskets scattered around the room, “Whichever house collects the most wins!”

“Is there a prize?” Sebastian, one of the Slytherin prefects, asked with interest.

“Of course!” Mathilda was indignant, “Eternal glory! Also, a party in the winning house’s common room with fresh Christmas biscuits from the kitchen!”

The room broke out in excited murmurs. The holiday biscuits at Hogwarts were a rare commodity, made only once a year. The house elves frosted each one individually, and they came in lavish array of colors and shapes. Remus’s favorite were the reindeer ones, they reminded him of James. 

“We’ve divided the castle into four quadrants,” Charles stepped up, still looking shy, “you’ll partner with the other prefect from your house to hide the balls. We’ve also enchanted them to turn the color of whatever house is the first to find them,” he picked one up out of the basket and it flashed blue, he tapped it with his wand, resetting it to a misty white, “but we’d still like you to stay in your quadrant while the hunt is going on in case you need to referee.” 

Mathilda was moving around the room, handing out baskets to prefects. She reached Lily and Remus, handing them each a basket. 

“You’ll be covering the North tower,” she said brightly, “try to hide them as creatively as possible. And don’t forget to come to dinner when you’re done, because that’s when we’ll be announcing the game to the school!”

“Well this should be fun.” Lily grinned over at him as they pushed their way out of the hidden door. 

“Yep.”

“Something the matter?” She eyed him closely.

“No. Everything’s fine.” Remus tried to sound as fine as possible, he smiled at her to prove his fine-ness, but he couldn’t quite get the smile to reach his eyes.

“And I’m sure everything being ‘fine’ explains why I haven’t seen you at meals the entire day and why Sirius looks more prickly than the whomping willow.”

Remus sighed. “Sorry...I just don’t feel like talking about it.” Trying to change tack, he turned the conversation on her. “You seem awfully chummy with James lately.”

To his satisfaction, she blushed.

“We’re just friends. I really do think he’s changed though. We can carry on a conversation for longer than five minutes without him mussing up his hair like a madman whenever a girl walks by.”

They both laughed.

“James did say…” she trailed off, looking embarrassed. “Never mind.”

“What?” Remus eyed her sharply, he hadn’t had a proper conversation with James in the past two days. “What did he say?” He pressed.

“Nothing...just that,” she bit her lip, “that...he thought something was going on between you and Sirius and he wasn’t sure what to do.”

“He doesn’t have to  _ do _ anything because it’s none of his business!” Remus snapped.

What if this ruined everything. What if James didn’t want to be friends with either one of them because of this. Maybe he’d want to move out of their room. Stop talking to them entirely. 

That was another fear. Ruining the marauders friendship over the miniscule chance that he and Sirius could make it work as something  _ more _ . 

Wasn’t that already what was happening between him and Sirius? Love didn’t mean much if it came at the expense of your friends. 

They’d reached the North wing.

“What about hiding one behind the tapestry?” Lily said quietly, pulling a ball out from her basket and gesturing to a tapestry with stitched unicorns gamboling across it.

Remus nodded, and busied himself balancing another ball on top of a portrait frame. 

He was sorry he’d snapped at her. Why did he keep pushing everyone away?

They spent the next twenty minutes in silence, hiding the globes under loose stones in the staircase, inside wall sconces, and tucked inside the helmet of an enchanted suit of armor who seemed to be excited to be included in the game.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said softly as they made their way to the Great Hall for dinner.

Lily reached out and gently squeezed his hand, her eyes looked so kind that Remus didn’t want to look at her for any longer. He glanced down at the floor.

“If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here.” 

“Thanks.” He squeezed her hand back before dropping it.

He glanced up, and spotted Sirius and James already at the Gryffindor table. Sirius’s eyes met his across the hall before immediately looking away.

“I…” he tried to think of an excuse to get out of dinner, “I forgot something in the North wing. I’ll go grab it now. Actually...I’ll just meet you there after dinner for the hunt. By the unicorn tapestry.”

“If you’re sure…” her eyebrows had scrunched together with concern. “You know you could sit with me and my friends, don’t you?”

“I’m sure.” He said firmly, “Thanks anyway though.” He walked quickly away, not looking back.

Being a prefect had a way of inconveniencing him at the worst possible moments, he thought, forty minutes later as he waited for Lily next to the tapestry. 

He had no desire to be part of a giant scavenger hunt right now. To have to talk to people and be nice to the first years and paste on a smile. He’d rather be in bed with the covers pulled over his head. He’d be safe there.

“Hi.” Lily walked towards him, “People should be here in a few minutes. Mathilda’s just explaining the rules to everyone now.”

“James wanted to know where you were by the way.”

Remus remained silent.

“He asked me if you’d been avoiding him,” she eyed him, “I told him I didn’t think so. But...maybe you should talk with him.

Remus was saved the trouble of responding when a first year boy rounded the corner, nearly plowing into them.

“I found prefects!” the boy called excitedly over his shoulder, “that must mean there’s some hidden near here!”

In a moment, the hall was crowded with students, checking behind portraits, knocking on wall panels.

“ _ Revealio! _ ” a Ravenclaw girl waved her wand confidently, then looked disappointed when nothing happened.

“I know where one’s hidden but I’m not telling!” Peeves floated past, taunting a student who was crawling along the floor and peering into heating grates.

“Let’s split up,” Remus suggested. They’d hidden globes across the entire wing, not just this hallway, “I’ll take the third and fourth floor and you take fifth and sixth.”

Lily nodded and left, Remus headed up to the next floor. 

In the next half hour, Remus broke up a scuffle between a Hufflepuff and a Ravenclaw over who had tagged an orb first (they seemed to have tied, as the globe had turned an interesting shade of bluish yellow), and rescued another student who’d tried to levitate himself up to a chandelier to grab the orb perched on top, but had accidentally snagged his robes on one of the brackets and was dangling helplessly. He’d also found Mrs. Norris trotting away triumphantly with one of the orbs in her mouth, but he’d snatched it away from her and re-hid it, despite her hissing.

He wondered how Lily was doing. Maybe he’d go check on her.

He trudged up the staircase, pausing at the landing so that the next moving set of steps could slide into place.

He turned down the fifth floor corridor. It was quiet here. He could hear Lily’s voice faintly from down the hallway. He followed it, the torches flickering softly against the stone walls. 

Was she  _ yelling _ at someone?

He turned the corner and stopped.

Severus Snape was standing in front of her, a glowing green orb clutched, forgotten, in his hand.

Lily looked angry, “I  _ told _ you Severus this isn’t the time or place to talk about this. Besides, we  _ have _ talked about this. There’s nothing left to say. We’ve gone our separate paths. Taken too many steps away from where we started together. I’ve accepted it and it’s time you did too.”

“Lily... _ please _ ,” Severus’s voice was low and pleading, “how many times can I tell you I’m sorry? We can be different and still be friends…” he trailed off, he’d noticed Remus.

Lily turned, “Remus!” She looked relieved, “C’mon, let’s go to the fourth floor.” She marched away down the corridor.

Remus followed her, stealing one last glance at Severus as he left.

Severus was still standing in the same spot, his shoulders slumped over. The flickering torchlight illuminated his face for a moment. He looked anguished. A little bit broken. He reminded Remus of...himself.

He pushed the thought out of his mind as he followed Lily up the staircase, a herd of chattering Ravenclaws rushing past them. Severus Snape wasn’t his responsibility to worry about.

An hour later, the hunt was winding down, they were in the last few minutes. Most of the orbs had already been found.

“Do you want to go check the sixth floor one last time?” Lily asked him quietly. She’d been reserved and distant ever since her argument with Snape. “I don’t think there’s any left up there, but…” she shrugged.

“Yeah, of course,” Remus hastily agreed, heading off towards the staircase.

The corridor was quiet. He headed towards the far end. Maybe he had enough time…yes…he had time, he could go up to the astronomy tower and grab a quiet moment for himself. It was another one of his favorite places in the school. On a clear night like tonight, he’d be able to see all the stars. Remus liked star gazing.

He had nearly reached the door leading up to the tower when he bumped into something invisible.

“Ouch!”

Someone. 

Remus rubbed his shoulder and glanced around the hallway, making sure it was still empty, “James?” he hissed, peering blindly at the space in front of him.

James’s head suddenly appeared. He was wearing his invisibility cloak.

“Moony!” He grinned, “about time you joined us.”

“Us?” Remus glanced around, heart thudding, but he didn’t see Sirius anywhere.

James tilted his head towards the stairs to the astronomy tower, “Padfoot thought it was getting a bit too boring around here. He asked me to keep watch while he livens things up.”

“What’s he planning on doing?” Remus asked skeptically. Sirius still had three detentions left with McGonagall after he’d let loose a cage full of pixies in the Gryffindor common room last month

“Fireworks,” James grinned mischievously, “he practically bought out Zonkos last time we were there. Said he’s been saving them for a special occasion and this is it.”

“Fireworks?” Remus hissed angrily.

“Yeah, why…something the matter with that?” James was looking worriedly at the expression on Remus’s face, “it’s just a prank Moony. It’s not doing any harm.”

“It is not just a prank!” Remus almost yelled, “did you forget that he’s already had two warnings this month for improper use of magic outside of class? Filch said if he catches him and he gets a third warning, they’re writing to his parents.  _ Again _ !”

“So?” James said uncertainly, “it’s not like they can come down here. We’re all stuck in the castle.”

“It doesn’t matter!” Remus was definitely shouting now. “Sirius has to go home eventually! He always has to go home eventually and face them! And I don’t want it to be any worse for him than it already is!”

He shoved past James, taking the steps to the tower two at a time.

He pushed open the door at the top, bursting into the cold night air.

Where was Sirius? He had to stop him. Had to protect him.

_ There. _

Sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of the parapet, an open wooden crate balanced next to him.

“Sirius!”

He looked up, surprised, “Remus?” his expression instantly shifted to guarded. “What’r you doing here? Mathilda sent you to stop me?” He sounded taunting.

Remus didn’t bother responding. He stalked over and wrenched the crate out of Sirius’s grasp.

“You’re being an idiot Sirius.” he growled, “you know as well as I do that you’re toeing the line as it is. Filch doesn’t care that it’s the holidays. He’d still write home to your parents.”

“As if that’s supposed to scare me.” Sirius’s lip curled mockingly, “I’m sure Avery’s already given them a full report on me. I doubt I can become any more of a disappointment than I already am.”

Sirius was perched on the very edge of the parapet, the wind ruffling his hair.

Remus suddenly felt very afraid.

“Sirius, get down from there.”

“Why? Because you  _ care _ about me?” Sirius was shouting now. “Because you made it pretty clear that you don’t!”

“That’s not true and you know it!” Remus was also shouting. He grabbed Sirius’s arm trying to tug him down. He was stronger than Sirius. He forgot about that sometimes.

Sirius tumbled off the ledge and onto the floor of the tower.

He lay there for a moment.

“Sirius?” Remus crouched next to him. Gently reached out to touch his shoulder.

Sirius sat up shoving his arm away, “Get OFF me Remus Lupin.” 

His eyes were bright with anger as he brushed snow off his robes and got to his feet. They were standing face to face again. It reminded Remus of yesterday in the forest. But everything felt so different between them now.

The wind howled, whipping their robes around them.

“Why are you like this? Why do you think it’s your goddamn mission to interfere with my life?” Sirius shouted at him.

“Because I’m you’re  _ friend _ !” Remus felt anger pounding in his chest. “Because if I don’t do this for you no one else will!”

“Maybe no one needs to do this for me.” Sirius said coldly.

“So I should just sit back and let you dig your own grave in some desperate bid for attention?” He was so angry. He’d never felt so angry at Sirius.

“Why do you care if I get attention?” Sirius sneered, his black eyes glinting, “scared someone else is going to fall for me and you’ll end up alone? You pretend you like sitting alone in the library all day, but I’m not an idiot. You’re just afraid. Afraid of everything and everyone.”

“Maybe you’re the one who’s afraid!” Remus was yelling now, Sirius’s words had stung deeply, “Every time you pull a stupid, half-thought out prank it’s a cry for help! Because you’d rather have your parents hate you then ignore you!”

“SHUT UP!” Sirius roared, his eyes blazing, “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!” 

For a terrible moment, Remus thought Sirius was going to punch him.

But then, like a candle blowing out, the anger vanished from Sirius’s face. With a blank look in his eyes, Sirius turned on his heel and marched down the stairs.

Remus felt empty. He’d never shouted at Sirius like that before. It was like he’d taken what he knew about Sirius and thrown it at him in the way he’d known would hurt the most.

The closer Sirius let Remus get to him, the more dangerous Remus became. He needed to stay far away.

Blinking back tears of anger, Remus took a shuddering breath and glanced up at the sky.

The stars  _ were _ bright tonight. So was the moon. It was nearly full. Mocking him. 

The next few hours were a blur. Through a haze, Remus somehow ended up back in the Great Hall. He vaguely noticed James in the corner, shooting him worried looks and whispering something to Lily. Sirius was nowhere to be seen, and that was all that mattered. 

Distantly, he heard the announcement that Hufflepuff had won, but that they’d decided to share the biscuits with the rest of the school, and then somehow Remus found himself back in the Gryffindor common room, a reindeer biscuit clutched, forgotten, in his hand.

He felt sick and sweaty and there was a tightness in his chest that refused to go away. Regret was a physical sensation, and it felt unbearable. He’d hurt Sirius. Had pushed him further away when Sirius was already in pain.

He wished he had a time turner. He’d go back to the astronomy tower and do it all differently.

He’d pull Sirius into his arms and hold him tight and whisper that it was okay. Things would be okay with his parents someday. And until that day, Remus and James and Peter would be there to take care of him.

He’d hold Sirius close until Sirius understood that there were people in his life who loved him.

And then they’d have walked down to the Great Hall together and shared a biscuit.

As the fire dwindled and the common room emptied out for the night, Remus remained curled up in a chair in the corner, staring blankly at the wall.

Just when he’d thought he couldn’t muck things up with Sirius any more than they already were, he’d found a way. He always found a way.

He must have fallen asleep, because suddenly he was dreaming.

He was running in the woods outside the house where he’d grown up. He streaked past trees, the forest around him nothing more than a green blur.

Distantly, he could hear his mother in the background screaming at him to  _ run _ . There was terror in her voice.  _ Something was chasing him! _

He ran faster, his heart pounding, his lungs screaming for oxygen. He ran and ran until he could run no further. Exhausted, he collapsed to the ground, knowing that this was it, he’d finally be caught. He was at the edge of a lake. He inched forward until he could see his reflection in the water.

The face of a monstrous wolf leered back at him in the water’s surface, his eyes glinting red. Above his head, the full moon glinted in the water’s reflection.

“Remus,  _ Remus! _ ”

Someone was shaking his shoulder.

With a start, Remus sat up, his heart still pounding.

He was still in the Gryffindor common room, but faint sunlight was gleaming in through the window, and James was standing over him, a worried expression on his face.

“Are you alright?” he asked Remus, eyebrows furrowed with concern, “you were moaning in your sleep.”

“I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” Remus rubbed his eyes tiredly and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “What time is it?”

“Early.”

“What’r you doing up then?” Remus asked, confused. James was notoriously bad at getting out of bed. One year he’d slept for two straight days and had missed their entire Easter holiday.

“I saw you never came to bed so I wanted to find you,”

Remus eyed him skeptically, “Really?”

“Well, partially,” James looked abashed, “Lily also mentioned that she likes to go for early morning walks by the lake, and I thought I might bump into her.”

“But seriously, Remus…” he trailed off, the look of concern back on his face, “I’m – I’m worried about you. I haven’t seen you at meals in days, you’ve barely been sleeping. Whatever’s going on with you and Sirius…I mean…well…” he flushed, “whatever  _ is _ happening, you can talk to me about it.”

“Did Lily put you up to this?” Remus muttered, annoyed.

“No!” James glared at him, “as hard as you may find this to believe, you and Sirius are  _ both _ my best friends. I just want the two of you to be happy!”

James sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair so it stuck up even more rakishly, “You both just seem so miserable…I hate seeing you like this.”

Remus didn’t want to look at James. Why did everyone keep being so nice to him when all he did was ruin things?

He stared at the arm of the chair he was sitting in. There was a small hole in the patterned fabric and some of the stuffing was starting to leak out. His gaze flickered to the ashes in the fireplace, left over from last night’s fire. Anywhere but at James’s face.

“It’s…it’s my fault,” he finally began in a low voice, still looking away, “Sirius…he…he said some things to me. And I didn’t respond the way he was hoping. After he…trusted me with what he said. And then last night when I stopped him from setting off those damn fireworks...we started shouting at each other and I brought up his parents. And I made everything a thousand times worse…I just keep hurting him…” he ended in a whisper as his voice trailed off. He half hoped that James hadn’t even heard him. He was ashamed of the ways he’d failed in the past few days.

James was quiet for a long minute.

“Right,” he said finally, looking lost “I -” he cut off, “I have no idea what to tell you. I’m rubbish at this. Offering relationship advice is definitely not my forte.” He laughed awkwardly.

Had James just used the word  _ relationship  _ to describe him and Sirius?

“Quidditch is more of my thing really,” his eyes suddenly lit up, “d’you want to go flying with me? An early morning flight is actually really good for clearing the head. It’s just you and the wind and the sky and…” he trailed off, seeming lost for words, “it’s  _ beautiful _ ,” he said reverentially.

Remus didn’t worship quidditch to the extent that James or Sirius did, but he liked flying well enough.

And James had listened to him. And hadn’t tried to run away. And hadn’t given any indication that he’d wanted to drop Remus or Sirius as friends.

“Sure, why not.” Almost against his will, a grin flickered across Remus’s face as he got to his feet and followed James out of the portrait hole.

They reached the Quidditch pitch as the rays of sun dissipated the last of the early morning fog.

James had his Shooting Star broom with him, but he stopped at the broom shed to pull out a school broom for Remus.

The frozen remains of snow crunched beneath their feet as they kicked off from the ground, soaring into the sky.

The wind whipped through Remus’s hair, and smarted against his cheeks. The sun glinted brightly in his eyes, forcing him to squint. He felt truly conscious for the first time since he’d shouted at Sirius last night.

He soared around the pitch, savoring the rush of the wind against his skin, the blue expanse of the sky encircling him.

He felt so free all of a sudden. Like he had abruptly stepped outside of the strict confines of his usual existence. For a moment he was beyond himself. He forgot about the moon and the pain and how trapped he felt within his body. For a moment he could see himself and Sirius clearly without everything that was holding them down.

James whipped by him, grinning hugely, “I used to dream I had wings when I was a kid,” he shouted, the wind swallowing his words as he circled back towards Remus, “but this is better!” 

James whooped and executed a perfect barrel roll on his broom, then sped towards the ground, pulling out of his dive at the last second and shooting upwards towards the sky like a rocket.

The wind continued to beat his hair and his robes as Remus circled the pitch one last time before landing back on the ground. James set down next to him a minute later, his hair rumpled wildly by the wind, a fierce gleam of happiness in his eyes.

“Did it help?” he wanted to know, as they set off back towards the castle, brooms slung over their shoulders.

“I feel a bit better...so, yes,” Remus offered a small smile.

They were halfway across the pitch when James squinted at someone in the distance.

“Is that...Sirius?”

Remus’s stomach turned over. He wasn’t ready to face Sirius. Maybe he could pretend he hadn’t seen him and run in the opposite direction.

No...it was too late, the boy was close to them now.

“No, never mind,” James corrected himself, “it’s Regulus. I suppose he wants to practice before the Gryffindor-Slytherin match next month.”

The boy was fully visible now, and James was right, it was Regulus, Sirius’s younger brother. He was shorter and younger than Sirius, and lacked some of Sirius’s undeniable handsomeness, giving off a much less striking impression, but from a distance they shared a definite resemblance. 

James, Remus, and Peter, following Sirius’s lead, hadn’t paid much attention to Regulus since he’d begun Hogwarts four years ago. 

From what Remus had gathered, he was quiet in all the ways Sirius was loud, rule-abiding when Sirius was famed as a troublemaker, and seemed to have no problem ascribing to the Black family’s darker tendencies.

He was right in front of them now.

James nodded at him and continued walking towards the castle. 

Regulus, however, had come to a halt. He was eyeing Remus nervously.

“Er, Lupin…” he said cooly, “can I have a word with you?”

James turned back around, an expression of surprise flickering across his face. 

Remus was equally surprised. He couldn’t remember a single time he’d had a one-on-one conversation with Regulus.

“Yeah. I don’t see why not…” he returned James’s look of confusion and shrugged, “I’ll meet you back at the castle James.”

James nodded and mouthed  _ tell me everything _ before turning around and jogging off the pitch.

Regulus turned back towards Remus, giving him a calculated look.

“Um...what’s on your mind?” Remus asked cautiously. 

Regulus reminded him unsettlingly of Sirius. The resemblance was in his facial expressions, his dark eyes, even in the half-slouched graceful way he stood. He was staring at Regulus, he realized, then quickly blinked and looked away.

“Look,” Regulus shoved his hands deeper into his cloak pockets and glanced up at the sky, the sunlight highlighting the faint gold strands in his dark hair.

_ Sirius, he looks like Sirius _ , Remus’s obsessive mind refused to shut up.

“I’m here to talk to you about Sirius obviously,”

Remus had seen it coming, but still stiffened slightly at the mention of Sirius’s name.

“We’re not close. I’m sure you know that,” Regulus frowned, looking slightly embarrassed, “but he’s still my brother. We still look out for each other.”

He hesitated for a moment before continuing, “he sent me a message last night...he seemed upset...and then I couldn’t get into your common room to check on him because I didn’t know the password...I just want to make sure he’s okay…” he trailed off, watching Remus out of the corner of his eye.

Remus’s stomach turned over. “What did he say to you exactly?”

“He said…” Regulus looked uncomfortable, “he said he won’t come home this summer. He’s had enough. He’s being stupid as usual!” He burst out angrily.

“Stupid?” Remus frowned, “I mean…” he cleared his throat awkwardly, “it’s not like...like he’s close with your parents. Maybe it’d be for the best if he spent the summer somewhere else,” he said gently. 

Regulus shot him an angry look, “I didn’t come to you to hear more about the wedge you lot have been trying to drive between Sirius and us since he started at Hogwarts...I just…” he took a breath, trying to compose himself, “I wanted to know what happened...he’s never threatened not to come home for the summer before,”

“Why’d you come to  _ me _ then?” Remus didn’t know why he was being stupid, pressing Regulus like this. But he wanted to know why he’d been chosen over James.

There was a long pause and then: 

“I may not be in Ravenclaw but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid,” Regulus was looking at Remus as though he knew perhaps a bit  _ too _ much, “He doesn’t shut up about you the entire time he’s home. If I had a sickle for every time the name ‘Remus Lupin’ was mentioned at our house I’d be the richest wizard in Gringotts.” He laughed, but a bitter edge had crept into his tone. He looked back towards the castle.

“Right…” he shrugged, “this is clearly a waste of time since you don’t seem to be interested in telling me anything. I don’t know why I even bothered. It’s just typical Sirius. He can’t stand the fact that peopl’ve stopped paying attention to him for a second so he’s decided to shake things up. It was stupid of me to get worried,” he begn walking rapidly away from Remus, shoulders squared resolutly. 

“No, Regulus, wait!” Remus ran after him and grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop, “I didn’t mean to upset you. James and Peter and I, we...we never wanted to mess things up between Sirius and your parents… it’s just difficult...it seems difficult...and we always wanted Sirius to know he was welcome with us.”

Regulus glared at him.

“I mean, you can’t be blind to the fact that they’re not exactly pleased he’s a Gryffindor, that he doesn’t care about blood status and dark magic and all that!” Remus burst out, then immediately regretted it. It wasn’t his place to put Regulus in the middle of Sirius and their parents.

“Of course they’re not pleased!” Regulus said angrily, “Can you imagine what it’s like having a child who tosses aside everything you care most about, everything you’ve worked your whole life for, without a second thought, without pausing to think about what it means to you!” 

His dark eyes, so like Sirius’s were full of anger, “I know you think blood purity is nonsense, that dark magic is dangerous and evil. But have you ever considered things from my parent’s perspective? It’s wizards like them that have worked for generations to preserve bloodlines, because they  _ love _ magic, they don’t want to see it die out, their worst nightmare is a world without the best thing we all know in it - a world without magic.” 

he was glaring at Remus like he was stupid,

“It...it hurts them so much to see Sirius trying to cast off all of that...those stupid Muggle motorbike magazines and rockband posters he plasters all over his room…” he looked pained, “to them, it’s like Sirius is willfully rejecting his heritage. His magic. He’s rejecting...us…” he looked angrily away from Remus and back up towards the goalposts, glinting in the early sunlight. 

“I’m - I’m sorry…” Remus was lost. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think there was any right thing he  _ could _ say.

“Everyone else thinks being a Gryffindor is so wonderful,” Regulus laughed bitterly, “they forget that bravery is just another word for not giving a damn what other people want...valor is charging forward and forgetting who you’ve left behind…courage is hurting others and not being afraid of what it costs them…”

He took a deep breath as though trying to calm himself, but his eyes still sparkled with anger.

“I know what you lot think of me,” his eyes flicked back to Remus’s then away again, “you think I’m no better than our parents. That our parents hate Sirius and I’m just like them. But…” he trailed off, “Sirius is my older brother, and no matter how far away he runs from us, he’ll always be my older brother, he’ll always be their son. And… they do love him, in their own way,” a note of pleading had crept into his tone, as though he was begging for Remus to understand, “Anyways…when you see him, remind him that there’s no harm in pleasing our parents. In following the rules every once in a while. Remind him that maybe they do know a bit more than us and he could stand to learn from them. And please...just tell him that...I want to spend the summer with him,” Regulus glanced back up at Remus, a lost look in his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Remus hastily agreed, a stab of pity jolted his heart, “I’ll tell him next time I see him…”

“Thanks. That’s all I wanted.” 

Without waiting for Remus to respond, Regulus turned and walked away rapidly across the pitch, shoulders slumped. 


	9. Chapter 9

Remus joined James at breakfast ten minutes later. After all, he’d promised to fill him in on the mysterious conversation, and he supposed he was getting a bit hungry after several days of skipping meals. 

He piled several pieces of toast onto his plate, then slid onto the bench next to James, pulling the butter dish and the jar of raspberry preserves towards him.

“Well, what did he want?” James asked curiously, eyeing Remus’s face as though it might offer him some clues.

Remus swallowed a thickly buttered mouthful of bread, savoring the burst of sweet jam.

Merlin, he was hungry. He’d forgotten he was this hungry.

“Er…” he trailed off uncomfortably, unsure of how much to reveal to James, “he was worried about Sirius...he said he’s threatening not to go home this summer…”

Remus blushed scarlet then abruptly pushed his plate of toast away, his appetite once again gone. Because of course, the reason Sirius had been so upset was all because of Remus. 

“And?” Jame’s eyebrows furrowed pensively.

“He wanted me to tell Sirius to go home.”

“Hmmm….” James frowned, “I haven’t seen Sirius all morning. I went to our room after flying and he wasn’t there-”

James was cut off, however, by the arrival of the morning’s mail. Hundreds of owls streaked through the open windows, dropping letters and packages in front of students. 

A brown envelope fluttered into Remus’s hands. It was addressed to “The Marauders,”

He ripped the envelope open, recognizing Peter’s handwriting.

James leaned over to read over his shoulder.

_ Dear James, Sirius, and Remus, _

It began,

_ Everyone’s in shock over the Death Eater attack in London, but even more shocked that you lot are all stuck in Hogwarts. My mum says she can’t remember a time when it wasn’t safe to travel to Hogwarts, and she’s just glad I made it out in time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be home, but I’m a bit jealous thinking of all the mischief I’m sure you’ve been getting up to. The prank options involving Christmas trees and floating candles are nearly endless.  _

Remus sighed internally, Peter was dead wrong. The marauders had been failing abysmally at having fun so far this Christmas. 

_Do you remember that time in fourth year when we switched the tags on all the presents under the big tree? Nigel Harrington was so confused by the witch's dress robes he thought his parents sent him. And then he put them on anyways!_ _You’ll probably top that._

_ I just wanted to wish you all a merry Christmas and remind you not to forget about me while I’m gone. _

_ Oh, and if any of you happen to have transfiguration notes that you’d like to mail back to me, I’d be rather grateful. I completely forgot that I have a remedial essay due after the holidays.  _

_ Yours, _

_ Wormtail _

A small package had also dropped down in front of him and James, with the words “ _ Do not open until Christmas!” _ written on top in Peter’s narrow scrawl. 

“Ah Peter, manages to forget to do his homework even when there’s no school,” James chuckled. 

“James, d’you have any idea where Sirius is?” Remus’s thoughts had immediately flitted back to his most pressing concern: how to fix things with Sirius.

“No, sorry,” James shook his head regretfully, “but chin up, he’ll surface by lunch. You know how much he loves food!”

But Sirius didn't turn up at lunch either. 

The seat next to James remained empty, and Remus felt Regulus’s eyes on him several times, boring a hole in the back of his head. 

Remus couldn’t take it anymore. He was so damn worried. Regulus had had the right idea, he needed to make sure Sirius was okay. He realized, with a flash, that he cared more about making sure that Sirius was all right than he did about hiding from him any longer. 

Pushing back the bench with a screech, he got to his feet.

“Right,” he said to James, who looked up, mid-bite of a sandwich, “I’m going to find him,”

James looked momentarily surprised, and then nodded. Remus walked quickly out of the Great Hall, heart beating slightly faster than usual. 

What if they ended up shouting at each other again? He mentally flicked through a long list of how their next conversation could end in disaster. He didn’t think he could take it if things got even worse. 

As it turned out, he needn’t have worried, Sirius could be good at hiding when he wanted to be. He wasn’t in their room, or the Gryffindor common room. The astronomy tower was empty, and there was no sign of him under his favorite beech tree near the Great Lake. 

Maybe he’d check the Forbidden Forest. Sirius sometimes liked walking through the shady fir trees on the outskirts.

He followed the curving path through the dappled green of the trees, the branches shading out most of the sunlight, the world quiet and empty except for the faint twittering of birds, and the occasional rustle of a branch. 

He turned the corner into a clearing dotted with boulders.

His heart leapt as he spotted a dark-haired boy leaning against one of the boulders, his back to Remus.

“Sirius?” he called out hopefully, running towards the boy.

The boy turned around and Remus froze. It was Snape.

“Lupin,” he said coldly, looking annoyed at being disturbed. 

A tattered potions book covered with notes lay on the ground next to him. He’d probably been studying.

“S..sorry,” Remus stammered, embarrassed, “I was just looking for someone…”

“For Black.” Snape practically spit out the name, “I gathered as much.”

“Er...I don’t suppose you’ve seen him?”

“Do you think if I’d seen him I’d still be sitting here quietly and not dangling upside down from a tree?” Snape snarled at Remus.

“He doesn’t do that!” Remus objected, “...anymore…” he trailed off awkwardly at his half-hearted defense of Sirius. The Sirius who had reveled in bullying Snape along with James had been the hardest part of Sirius to love. Snape had been an easy target for venting Sirius’s anger towards dark magic and Slytherins. And Remus had sat back and let it happen. He was no better than James or Sirius when it came down to it.

Sometimes in the back of Remus’s mind he wondered if things had turned out a bit differently if  _ he _ would have ended up the one Sirius tormented. He was lucky he’d ended up being one of the marauders, because, sometimes, he thought that a very fine line separated him from Severus Snape.

“Sorry I disturbed you,” he began to walk away. Then halted. He never ran into Snape while he was alone. He didn’t know when he’d get another opportunity like this. 

Steeling himself, he took a deep breath, faced back towards Snape, and fixed his eyes on the ground next to where he sat.

“And...I’m sorry for...what James and Sirius and Peter and I have done.” 

It was easier to say it without looking at Snape. He hurriedly began to walk away, sure that Snape wanted him gone.

“Wait.” Snape said quietly.

Remus turned back around.

“You see Evans around.” It was more of a statement than a question, but Remus still nodded.

“Give her this.” He pulled a tattered envelope his pocket and handed it to Remus. “I’d give it to her myself, but…” he shrugged bitterly, “She’s been avoiding me.”

“‘Course,” Remus pocketed it, “I’ll...see you around.”

Snape picked up his textbook again and said nothing in response.

Remus walked as slowly through the woods as possible on his way back to the castle. 

He couldn’t find Sirius, his chest felt too tight, and he didn’t think he’d be able to breathe properly until he laid eyes on him again.

He barely noticed as he made his way through the corridors, stopping in front of the Fat Lady to give the password ( _ Mistletoe _ ), and then stepping into the crowded common room.

“There you are!” Lily appeared in front of him looking harried, “I’ve been looking for you for ages! The next Christmas activity’s starting in ten minutes.”

“Another one?” Remus groaned.

“I know, I know,” she grabbed his sleeve, tugging him back towards the portrait hole, “but c’mon, we’ll be late.”

“Wait, before I forget,” he fished around in his pocket, pulling out the letter, “Er - Snape asked me to give this to you.”

A look of annoyance flashed across her face before she took it out of his hand and pocketed it, “Thanks.”

“It’s ice skating,” she filled him in as they walked quickly down the stairs, “races and stupid stuff like that. Apparently the winning house gets first pick at ornaments to decorate their house tree with.”

“I don’t think anyone in this whole castle gives a damn about how their tree gets decorated,”

“Mathilda does,” Lily sighed, “I suppose she  _ is _ just trying to make the holidays fun for everyone though. A lot of people were really looking forward to going home for Christmas…”

“I don’t even know how to ice skate!” Remus objected.

“Really?” Lily raised an eyebrow and snickered, “well, I suppose that’s where I’ll come in. I had ice skating lessons every winter for years when I was little.”

A large group of students had already gathered next to the Great Lake and were laughing and chattering as they pulled on ice skates.

“Here,” Lily passed him a pair of white skates.

“Aren’t the white ones for girls?” Remus protested, as she started lacing up her own skates.

“For girls who know how to skate maybe,” she shot back.

“Fair enough.” He sighed and began tugging them on.

He got completely tangled with the laces and was baffled by the brackets, until Lily leaned over, and, with a roll of her eyes, laced them up for him.

“C’mon,” she tugged him towards the ice, “we’re refereeing.”

Remus eyed the ice apprehensively, “how exactly does this work?” he tried to keep the nervous edge out of his voice but failed, “doesn’t everyone know you’re  _ not _ supposed to walk on ice because it’s slippery?”

“Honestly!” Lily sounded exasperated, but she gently took Remus’s hand, supporting his weight while he took his first wobbly step onto the ice. 

His knees shook and he stumbled, nearly falling until Lily pulled him upright.

“You’ll be fine,” she said soothingly, “just hold onto my arm. It’s all about gliding, not trying to walk. Don’t try to fight the ice, lean into it.”

His skates scraped over the uneven ice as his teeth clenched together tightly, his heart hammering. He was sure he was going to fall at any moment.

“Oh good, you’re here!” Mathilda glided smoothly over to them, a large, extraordinarily fluffy hat perched on her head, her cheeks pink from the cold, “you two will be judging the obstacle course race,” she gestured to several cones set up in twisting patterns across a patch of ice, “speed skating is in that corner, and over there we’ve enchanted snowballs to fly at skaters and they have to dodge them.” she clapped her hands excitedly, “isn’t this fun?”

Remus offered her a smile that felt more like a grimace as his skate wobbled, and he clung tighter to Lily’s arm.

She eyed him more closely, “you don’t know how to skate Remus?” she sounded disappointed as though this was a personal failing of his as a prefect.

“No,” Lily cut in, “but I’ll look out for him.”

Well, I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully and thank you both!” beaming, she skated off towards the Ravenclaw prefects.

Charles wobbled over to them and handed them gleaming silver whistles strung on chords.

“Charles,” Lily hissed under her breath, glancing over at Mathilda, still busy with the Ravenclaws, “please tell me this is the last activity we’ve got planned.”

He laughed nervously, eyes flickering over to where Mathilda stood as though to ensure she couldn’t hear, “Keep your voice down! But yeah, I think this’ll be the last.”

“Thank God,” Remus muttered tensely, as his left foot slipped over a bump on the ice.

“We were supposed to have a snowman building competition tomorrow, but I talked her out of it,” he whispered conspiratorially to them, “told her that I’ve read that yeti’s find the wizard concept of ‘snowmen’ to be species-ist, and she bought it!”

“Excellent,” Lily laughed, her eyes sparkling.

“Yeah, all that’s left after this is tree decorating and Mystery Merlin, but you don’t have to worry about that until Christmas day,” He smiled at them and then skated away.

“Lily, if I don’t die here on the ice, please kill me if I ever think about becoming a prefect again,” Remus said through clenched teeth, as they finished making their way to the obstacle course.

“Noted.”

His mind wandered for a moment. He’d completely forgotten about Mystery Merlin. What could he possibly get for Snape? Their relationship was fraught as it was, and he didn’t think whatever trinket he scrounged up from the bottom of his trunk could make things better.

“Lily,” he said hesitantly, as the first round of skaters, a gaggle of giggling first years began trying to skate around the cones, “er- d’you know of anything Snape might like for Christmas?”

Her eyebrows shot up, “you’re getting him a present?”

One of the first years tripped on a cone and toppled over, “hold on,” she skated over, helped her up, and then glided back to Remus. Remus had found that if he stayed standing very still and didn’t try to move, he could balance decently. 

“Mystery Merlin,” he sighed.

“Ah, that makes more sense,” she glanced back towards the first years, “Sev’s not really the present type. He doesn’t care much about holiday sweaters and snowglobes and all that....I never really knew what to get him…” she sighed, looking pensive.

“Don’t worry about it,” Remus said hastily, sensing her discomfort, “I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

Lily suddenly blew her whistle, startling Remus and causing him to nearly fall.

“Winner!” she called out, holding up the arm of the mousy-haired first year boy who’d just reached them. He beamed, looking pleased with himself as she handed him a blue ribbon.

The sun moved across the sky and they continued guiding groups of skaters through the course, Lily doing most of the actual guiding, and Remus doing his best not to trip over his own skates. 

The wind had picked up as the day lengthened, and it was starting to get truly cold.

Remus shivered and rubbed his gloved hands together, trying to generate some warmth. He brightened as he noticed James in the distance, skating towards them. 

“Hi,” James skated smoothly towards him and Lily, grinning widely.

He glided in a graceful loop before coming to a sharp stop directly in front of them, showering Remus’s skates with ice shavings.

“I thought you didn’t ‘do’ school activities,” Lily raised an eyebrow, but she was smiling.

“And pass up this opportunity to show off my skating ability?”

He grabbed Lily’s hand.

Her green eyes widened, and she looked hesitant.

“C’mon,” James laughed, and tugged her after him, gliding backwards gracefully across the ice so he was still facing her.

After a moment she returned the smile, and began truly skating. They lapped the ice once before she released his hand.

“I bet I’m faster,” she smiled wickedly.

“In your dreams.”

And they were off. They were nothing more than two blurs shooting across the ice. Several skaters stopped their own races to watch, open-mouthed, as Lily and James sped expertly around the edge of the lake.

Their hair streamed behind them in the wind, one second Lily was in the lead, the next second James.

It couldn’t have been more than a minute later when Lily skidded to a stop in front of Remus, James shooting in a moment behind her.

“It’s about time someone beat you at something athletic, Potter,” she laughed, in between gasps, as she smoothed back her wind-blown hair.

“You’re ridiculously fast,” James was also panting, and looked truly impressed, “maybe we should go ice skating more often.” He winked.

Lily rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling.

“Remus and I have to get back to refereeing,” she gestured to the group of students huddled at the other end of the course, waiting for the signal to begin.

“Well, I could help you two,” he grinned, “Remus is rubbish at skating you know.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true.”

“Fine,” Remus sighed, tossing James his whistle, “blow this if you see someone cheating.”

Another group of students began skating through the course. It was all going smoothly until halfway through when one of the second year boys fell, hard, on the ice.

Lily skated over to him and helped him up, she examined him for a minute then quickly skated back to Remus and James.

“I’m taking him back to the castle,” she pointed to the boy, who was sporting a long gash on his cheek and looking rather embarrassed. “Remus, d’you mind fixing the cone at the far end of the course? Someone’s knocked it over,” she gestured across the gleaming ice towards the tree-lined side of the lake, “James, keep an eye on the other skaters, will you?”

They both nodded.

“See you soon,” Lily skated away, guiding the small boy alongside her.

“You can manage, Remus?” James gestured towards the flattened cone.

“‘Course. I hope…” Remus trailed off darkly. But he supposed he could manage it. He’d been working on taking small gliding steps over the course of the afternoon, and he no longer needed to hold onto Lily’s arm to get across the ice.

Remus set off across the gleaming surface, wobbling only slightly and managing to avoid the other skaters.

He reached the cone and righted it, then stepped back to allow a Slytherin girl to skate around it.

He glanced towards the trees. They were close to this side of the lake, lining the shore with their gnarled branches, bare in the winter.

Had he just seen something move in the woods? He stared harder at the branches he’d thought he’d noticed rustle.

He glanced back towards James who seemed to be managing just fine supervising the race.

Slowly, placing one skate hesitantly in front of the other, he made his way closer towards the trees.

Dimly, through the mass of twisted branches he could make out a boy in Hogwarts robes leaning against the side of one of the trees, staring into the forest in front of him.

Remus wobbled another step closer. The ice near the shore was bumpier than ever, pocked and marred with uneven indentations.

The boy had long, dark hair, Remus could almost make out his profile. His heart started to pound. 

The boy raised a cigarette to his lips and took a long drag, lazily blowing a stream of smoke into the air.

Remus’s heart leapt, “Sirius!” he called out.

Sirius turned, startled, his eyes widening with surprise as he spotted Remus clumsily making his way towards him across the ice.

Remus was only about ten feet away from the shore, his aching feet somehow managing to keep cutting across the uneven surface.

“Sirius!” he called again. Sirius had frozen stiffly where he was standing, and looked deeply unsure, as if he didn’t know whether or not he wanted Remus to come any closer. But if Remus didn’t get to him now he didn’t know when he’d be able to find him again.

He was only six feet away now. 

Suddenly, there was a terrible cracking noise beneath his feet. Remus looked down. Lines were radiating out from the ice beneath his feet, dark water pooling through the newly formed cracks in the surface. He gasped, frozen in place, and looked up desperately at Sirius, just as the ice gave way entirely, plunging him into the freezing black water beneath.

The last thing he saw before the water swallowed him entirely was the look of horror on Sirius’s face.

The water was cold. Colder than anything Remus had ever felt before in his life. It froze every part of his body, even his ability to think. The cold sucked the air straight out of his lungs. 

Desperately he tried to kick his way towards the chink of sunlight gleaming through the hole in the ice, but the skates on his feet tugged him relentessly downwards towards the bottom of the lake.

A stream of bubbles escaped from his mouth as he gasped, trying to propel himself upwards.

But it was no use, his arms had already stiffened in the freezing blackness around him, and even as he continued to struggle, he felt his body going into shock from the cold. His lungs begged for air as black spots began to swim across his vision.

This was it, he supposed. He was only sorry he hadn’t gotten to apologize to Sirius.

The pressure inside his lungs continued to climb as he lost sensation in his arms and legs.

He closed his eyes.

And then strong hands closed around his arms, wrenching him towards the surface, he broke through the ice coughing and gasping, the sun blinding his eyes.

He was gasping for air, great heaving gasps, but he continued to cough and splutter until someone slammed into his back, and he choked, coughing up dark water.

“Get back, James!” he heard Sirius’s voice as though from a great distance, “the ice is too thin! Run to the castle for help!” Sirius sounded scared.

Remus was too tired and cold to wonder why. 

The person was tugging him across the ice. He tried to crawl, but his arms and legs didn’t seem to be responding to his brain. He was cold. So cold that it drowned out all other thoughts.

They had reached the shore now, and he found himself lying on his back, staring up into Sirius’s black eyes, full of worry.

Remus tried to open his mouth to tell Sirius that he was alright, but his teeth were chattering too hard for the words to come out.

His wet clothing was plastered to his body and he couldn’t feel his fingers or his toes. He supposed that was a bad sign. And he was so tired...maybe it would help if he closed his eyes for just a moment.

His eyes had just fluttered shut when he felt a stinging slap across his cheek, forcing them open again.

“Stay awake Remus, stay awake,” Sirius sounded pleading, and he looked so very worried. Remus tried to clear his muddled head, but he was too cold.

The next thing he knew he was moving through the trees rapidly. He was in Sirius’s arms, he realized fuzzily, and Sirius was running. He didn’t need to be worried any longer, he thought distantly, because he was with Sirius, and now everything would be alright.

He was vaguely conscious of Sirius’s arms tight around him, of bursting through the doors of the castle and a worried looking Madame Pomfrey and James running towards them. And then the darkness across the edges of his vision consumed him, and he remembered nothing more.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

He awoke several hours later in the dimly lit hospital wing. His entire body ached. He stretched out stiffly, gradually becoming aware that his fingers were heavily bandaged. Someone had dressed him in pyjamas.

Stifling a groan, he sat up in bed.

“You’re awake,” his gaze jerked sideways to find Sirius sitting in the chair next to his bed, watching him intently.

“Sirius…” his voice was scratchy and his throat ached terribly, he coughed and tried again, “I was trying to find you...and then…” he trailed off, as the memory of what had happened came flooding back to him, “my God, you could have fallen in  _ too _ ,” the thought struck him with horror as he realized it, “I’m an idiot...I’m sorry…” he trailed off, his voice a whisper. He looked away from Sirius, unwilling to face him.

“Stop it. Anyone could have fallen in.” Sirius said fiercely, “all that matters is that you’re okay.”

“No...it’s not just that,” Remus felt like the words could barely escape his swollen throat, “I’m sorry for everything...for what happened in the woods and for shouting at you like that on the astronomy tower...Sirius, I’m  _ so _ sorry…” he was filled with shame as he remembered everything he’d done to Sirius over the past few days.

“Just...Remus…” Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair, seeming lost for words, “just please don’t worry about that anymore. Everything’s fine. We’re fine.”

“It’s not fine,” Remus said quietly, forcing himself to meet Sirius’s dark eyes, “I hurt you and I’m sorry.”

“It’s my fault too,” Sirius looked down, “I shouldn’t have said all that...stuff to you in the woods...you probably weren’t expecting it and it wasn’t fair of me to get angry at you over how you reacted. And I  _ was _ being stupid with those fireworks. You were right to stop me.”

“No, Sirius -” Remus felt his chest tighten, how could he make Sirius see that he had been brave, not stupid, to tell Remus how he felt.

“Remus,” Sirius cut him off, holding up a hand, “let me finish. After what happened today...well…” he swallowed, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if something had happened to you and those were our last words to each other. I hate fighting with you. I hate not being your friend.” he sighed deeply, “I shouldn’t have tried to change how things were. And I’m sorry that I got angry with you when you didn’t want that change. You were right. We should just stay friends.”

Remus truly felt like he couldn’t breath now. His thoughts tumbled over one another as he tried to make sense of what Sirius was saying. He wanted Sirius so badly. He wanted to pull him into his arms right now. But Sirius didn’t want that anymore. And Sirius would stay safer if distance remained between them. 

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut for a moment, trying to calm himself. He could hear his heart hammering rapidly. 

“Are you all right?” he opened his eyes, Sirius had leaned closer to him, looking concerned.

“Yeah, no,” Remus took a deep breath, trying to steady his voice, “Yeah. No, that sounds really good. Being friends again.”

“Okay,” Sirius let out a long breath, “good.”

They were silent for a long moment.

“James and Lily were sick with worry,” Sirius said finally, his eyes still fixed on Remus’s face, “they would’ve stayed here as well, but Madam Pomfrey made them leave after visiting hours ended. Said she was bending the rules enough as it was to let me stay here. But, I couldn’t leave you…” he trailed off, “God Remus,” he rubbed his face tiredly, “I don’t ever want to feel that scared again…”

“I’m sorry,” Remus whispered miserably.

“Stop apologizing!” Sirius leaned forward and reached out as though to take his hand and Remus’s heart leapt, but Sirius suddenly froze, and his arm fell limply back down at his side.

“Regulus,” Remus said abruptly, as memories from the day came flooding back to him.

“What?” Sirius looked confused.

“He...he came to talk to me yesterday,” Remus said hesitantly, “he said you were thinking about not going home for the summer...and...he wanted me to tell you to come home.”

Sirius looked angry and Remus shrank back slightly.

Sirius sighed, “Everythings fine.” he said finally, “I’ll talk to Regulus tomorrow. I was stupid to get so upset.”

“I know you usually go to James for holidays,” Remus said timidly, “but...you know...you could always come to my house.” 

What was he doing? He was supposed to be keeping his distance from Sirius. Especially after what Sirius had just said. But he just wanted Sirius to know that he always had a home with him. 

“Thanks,” Sirius smiled softly at him, then yawned hugely, “I’m just so tired…”

“Go to bed,” Remus urged, “you don’t have to stay here.”

“Don’t be stupid…” Sirius yawned again, “I’d rather sleep here in a chair than listen to James snoring for another night.” his eyelids drifted shut and he curled deeper into the chair.

After a minute, Remus unfolded one of the blankets spread out across the end of his bed and gently tucked it around Sirius.

He lay in bed for hours after that, the events of the day replaying in his mind. He kept remembering, over and over, the feeling of the icy black water closing in over his head. An airless world with the deepest cold he’d ever felt. 

Eventually, comforted by the sound of Sirius’s steady breathing, he fell asleep.

He awoke the next morning, sun streaming through the windows of the hospital wing. He immediately looked over at the chair. His heart gave a jolt when he saw that Sirius was still there, lazily reading a copy of Quidditch Weekly.

He smiled when he saw that Remus was awake and closed the magazine.

“Madame Pomfrey said you’re clear to leave whenever you get up.”

“Th-that’s great,” Remus stifled a yawn as he rubbed his eyes and stretched. His hands were still prickling with pain through the bandages and his throat felt sore, but he supposed it would go away soon enough.

He stopped by Madame Pomfrey’s office on his way out, Sirius trailing behind him.

He knocked on the door, and poked his head in. She looked up from a stack of parchment on her desk.

“Remus,” she smiled, “you gave us quite a scare yesterday! How are you feeling this morning?”

“Not bad,” he smiled back, “thanks again for everything…”

Madame Pomfrey had escorted him to the Whomping Willow every month for his transformation until his fifth year, when he’d finally said that he was too old to need the coddling. She still checked in on him every month after the full moon, and tended carefully to his endless scratches and cuts, remnants of his transformation. 

“Yes of course dear,” she looked at him with slightly worried eyes, before lowering her voice, so that Sirius couldn't hear, “I’ll check up with you on Christmas day then?”

“Er...yeah, if you don’t mind,” Remus said guiltily. He couldn’t even let her have a proper holiday.

“You know that’s what I’m here for!” She said reproachfully, “and here,” she pulled a tube of ointment out of a drawer and handed it to him, “rub this on your fingers once an hour and come to me if you need re-bandaging. They were nearly frostbitten…” she gave him another concerned look, “You can stay here for longer if you like,”

“No, it’s fine Madame Pomfrey,” he said quickly, “thank you.”

“Oh, before I forget!” she opened another one of her drawers and shuffled around for a bit before pulling out a small card and giving it to him, “I finally got a Newt Scamander one! I know you’ve been looking for this one for a long time.”

It was a chocolate frog card, containing a black and white photograph of a rumple-haired wizard smiling awkwardly while a furry niffler climbed all over him.

Remus and Madam Pomfrey had been trading chocolate frog cards for years. It had all started his first month at Hogwarts when she’d walked him to the willow for his first transformation away from home. He’d been terrified of being away from his parents, of being in pain alone. Just before leaving she’d pulled a chocolate frog out of her cloak pocket and pressed it into his hands, then given him a hug. The next day he’d shyly offered her the card that had come with the frog, Dilys Derwent, a famous healer and Hogwarts headmistress in the 1700’s. They’d been swapping cards ever since then, Remus favoring magizoologists and Madam Pomfrey always on the lookout for renowned healers. 

“Thanks,” he offered her a small smile, “I’ll have to keep eating chocolate frogs over the holidays to find a good one for you.”

“Chocolate is an excellent food for healing, I’d expect nothing less.” She said briskly, “I’ll see you soon,” she smiled at him again, the worried line still creasing her forehead.

He left, shutting the door of her office.

Sirius gave him a long look, but said nothing.

They walked back to the Gryffindor common room in silence. The minute they stepped through the portrait hole, Remus was immediately accosted by James who pulled him into a tight hug, then held him at arm's-length to examine him, as though to ensure he really was alright.

“You’re okay then?” he asked worriedly.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I promise,” Remus flushed at the attention, other people in the common room had stopped talking to stare at them. He supposed the news of his accident had spread. He felt like an absolute idiot.

“Remus!” Lily ran over from where she’d been sitting with her friends, “I was so worried!” she too pulled him into a hug.

“I can’t believe I left you,” she looked guilty, “and it was your first time skating and everything. That was stupid of me.”

“No, don’t be a prat,” Remus objected, “James was still there, and besides, it wasn’t anything either one of you did. It was my own fault for not realizing the ice had gotten thinner.”

“Still…”

“Still nothing,” Remus said firmly, “now come on, this is a holiday week after all, and I want to play a game of exploding snap.”

He settled in the chairs near the fire with James and Sirius, and they passed the rest of the afternoon talking and stacking playing cards into houses, interrupted every once in a while when one of the cards exploded.

He’d forgotten how  _ easy _ things were with them. How hours could just disappear laughing and arguing about nothing. How effortlessly they understood each other. Maybe Sirius was right after all. Maybe it was for the best if they just stayed friends. 

A dull ache throbbed in his chest at this thought, but he pushed the feeling away and refocused on James who was animatedly discussing a prank he’d thought up involving flooding the Slytherin common room with eggnog.

“And the best part,” he concluded, his eyes shining with enthusiasm, “is that it’s  _ festive _ , so there’s no way we’d get in trouble!”

“I’m not sure that’s how that works,” Sirius said skeptically, “but we do need at least one good Christmas prank before the holidays end.”

“One that doesn’t involve any improper use of magic,” James added hastily, catching sight of the look of reproach on Remus’s face.

“Definitely something for the Slytherins…” Sirius muttered, lost in thought, a devilish look on his face, “ah well, we’ll keep thinking,” he said bracingly after a minute.

Dinner was a noisy, cheerful affair. The next night would be Christmas Eve, and there was a buzz of excitement in the air. 

Remus was finally sitting with James and Sirius again, and he’d regained some of his normal appetite. He filled his plate with mashed potatoes and chicken, and even managed seconds after Sirius refilled his plate without asking. 

Everything felt so warm and good. He’d missed Sirius so much. Even if things weren’t perfect, at least they were friends again.

Finally, after Remus yawned hugely for the second time, Sirius got to his feet and tugged his arm, “Right,” he said to James, “I’m taking Remus upstairs,”

“Hey!” Remus protested, embarrassed at this further act of cosseting, but Sirius was right, he was tired.

“I’ll be up soon, I’m just…” James trailed off glancing down the table to where Lily sat.

“Waiting to walk up with Lily. We know.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

They left behind the noise of the Great Hall, and Remus followed Sirius up the winding staircases back towards Gryffindor tower.

They turned down a quiet corridor on the fourth floor and had just rounded a corner when someone slammed hard into Remus.

He cried out as his shoulder smashed into the stone wall.

“Avery. Mulciber.” Sirius hissed, his wand already out.

The two Slytherins were standing in front of them, wands pointed menacingly.

Avery, Remus was pleased to note, was sporting a magnificent bruise on his jaw.

“Thought you’d get away with running away from us in Hogsmeade?” Mulciber asked, smiling unpleasantly.

“If I recall correctly, someone clearly ended up losing that fight, and it wasn’t us,” Sirius spat, his eyes glittering with anger.

“Careful there,” Mulciber sneered, “the two of you have been skating on some very thin ice lately.”

“Ice?” Sirius brows furrowed together for a moment, then his eyes filled with pure rage.

“Did you make Remus fall through the ice?” he growled furiously, pointing his wand directly at Mulciber’s heart.

Mulciber shrugged, “I think you’d find that very difficult to prove,” he said silkily.

Remus’s heart dropped. He’d nearly died. Because of them. 

“You’ll pay for that,” Sirius hissed, his eyes glinting with fury.

“We would’ve all been better off if he’d drowned in the lake.” Avery glared venomously at Remus. 

Sirius gasped.

“He is werewolf filth after all,” Avery said derisively, hatred shining in his eyes.

Remus froze. Avery had actually said it. Loudly. In the middle of the castle.

“ _ Silencio! _ ” Sirius bellowed.

“ _ Protego! _ ” Avery shouted, blocking the spell.

Mulciber took advantage of Sirius’s focus on Avery and aimed his wand at Sirius. Before Remus could block him, a jet of red light shot out, and to Remus’s horror, Sirius toppled to the ground, stunned.

He faced the two Slytherin’s, his wand shaking between his bandaged fingers. They knew what he was. They knew what he was. They’d stunned Sirius. 

“Remus Lupin,” A slow nasty smile spread across Avery’s face, “Fenrir Greyback asked me to remind you that it’s all your father’s fault.”

“What?” Remus’s voice came out a hoarse whisper, “What are you talking about?”

“The fact that you’re a monster of course,” Avery laughed cruelly, then paused to take in the confused expression on Remus’s face.

“you don’t even know, do you?” his smile grew even wider, “the Camden trial -” he cut off suddenly as voices echoed down the corridor.

“C’mon,” he began backing down the corridor, and pulled Mulciber after him, shooting one last cruel look at Remus and Sirius, still on the ground, before they had vanished through a doorway at the far end of the hall.

James and Lily rounded the corner laughing, but stopped immediately when they saw a shaking Remus and stunned Sirius.

“What the hell happened?” James ran over, “ _ Innervate _ ,” he pointed his wand at Sirius, who immediately leapt up, looking enraged. 

“Those Slytherin... _ scum…. _ ” he seemed too angry for words.

Lily laid a soothing hand on his arm, “what’d they do?” she asked, shooting a concerned look at Remus.

“You all right mate?” James too was eyeing him worriedly.

“F-fine, I’m fine,” Remus stammered, his hands still shaking as he shoved his wand back into his robes. “They were just...still angry about what happened at Hogsmeade,”

Sirius opened his mouth indignantly, but Remus shot him a warning look. He didn’t want any mention of his lycanthropy brought up in front of Lily. He didn’t want it mentioned ever in front of anyone actually. 

“They tampered with the ice!” Sirius burst out.

“What?” Lily looked shocked. “Are you joking?”

“Would I joke about that?” Sirius shot back angrily. 

“No...no of course not. But, that’s insane! They nearly killed Remus!” she said furiously, “we need to tell someone!”

“There’s no proof,” Sirius said bitterly, “it’s just our word against theirs.”

“Still,” James looked pale, “that’s completely out of bounds.”

The four of them made their way back to the common room, Lily angrily ranting the whole time about how the next time the Slytherins put a toe out of line she’d be turning them over to McGonagall, “because she’s  _ much _ scarier than Dumbledor when it comes down to it!” She finished, irate, “and they deserve every ounce of punishment that they get!”

Remus nodded distantly, his mind still spinning out of control. They had made him fall through the ice. They knew he was a werewolf. And they seemed to know something else as well.

“It’s all your father’s fault,” Avery had said. And Remus had no idea what he was talking about. Maybe he’d just been lying, trying to rattle Remus. In which case it had worked. But he’d seemed too genuinely surprised when Remus hadn’t known what he was talking about. And he’d mentioned the “Camden trial” whatever that was.

He barely noticed as he followed Sirius up the stairs to their room. He sat down blankly on the edge of his bed, tucking his knees up to his chest.

“Remus,” Sirius sat down next to him, his physical proximity just close enough to snap Remus out of his daze. 

Sirius glanced around to ensure the room was empty “I heard what he said,” he said in a low voice, his black eyes full of concern, “do you...do you have any idea what he was talking about?”

Remus shrugged, then attempted a laugh that only came out sounding forced, “he was probably just lying to try and rattle me.”

“Probably,” Sirius agreed, looking wholly unconvinced.

“But...either way he knew about me,” Remus whispered, glancing away in shame.

“He’s not going to tell anyone,” Sirius snarled, “or he’ll  _ pay _ . We’ll go to Dumbledore if we have to.”

“No. Never mind.” Sirius wasn’t going to get into trouble on Remus’s behalf. Not again. “The whole thing is stupid. And you’re right, I  _ am _ tired.” He faked a yawn.

“Yeah, of course,” Sirius stood up, looking concerned, “you need sleep.”

Remus slowly pulled on his pyjamas and made a great show of getting under his covers, trying not to show how scared he felt. He closed his eyes, willing the darkness to soothe him.

“Remus,” Sirius whispered in the darkness.

Remus didn’t respond. He didn’t want to talk to Sirius. To anyone.

“Remus,” Sirius’s voice had gotten even softer, “Just know...I’m not going anywhere.”

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

Remus lay in bed for hours after that, his heart beating rapidly as the darkness outside the windows deepened.

Eventually, he heard James come to bed, and waited until his breathing softened into gentle snores.

Trying to remain quiet, he rolled over in bed and stared through the darkness at Sirius’s bed. He was still under his covers and seemed to be breathing slowly. That would have to do.

Gently, attempting absolute silence, Remus swung his feet out of bed and pulled on a sweater, shoving his wand into his pocket.

Holding his breath, he eased his way over to the trunk at the foot of James’s bed. With bated breath, he swung open the lid, ears straining for the creaking of hinges, but it remained blessedly quiet. 

He fumbled through stacks of messily folded robes and crumpled sheets of parchment until his hand brushed against something silkily smooth.  _ There _ . He pulled James’s invisibility cloak out of the trunk, and clasped it around his shoulders, pulling the hood over his head. Instantly, he was invisible. 

Softly, he closed the lid of the trunk and left the room, treading as lightly as he could on the staircase on the way down. The common room was quiet and empty, and he was glad that no one would see the portrait of the fat lady swing open of its own accord. 

He cautiously made his way through the dark, silent corridors of the castle, torchlight flickering against the stone walls. 

He was at the library before he really had time to contemplate what he was doing. He could get in real trouble for being out of bed after hours. But he needed to know. 

It was dark and totally still. The rows of books seemed transfigured by the darkness into something different than by day, giving off a vaguely eerie and ominous feeling. 

The Camden trial. He had no idea what it was or where to start looking. But if it had been truly noteworthy, there should be some record of it here. 

“ _ Lumos, _ ” he muttered, and light flickered at the end of his wand, banishing some of the fear that had gripped him since he’d entered the empty library. 

He walked silently over to the Magical Law and Legislation section and began pulling books off the shelf, skimming their indexes for anything that might be relevant.

An hour later, he’d still found nothing. Perhaps Avery really  _ had _ just been trying to rile him up, and had invented the detail for a laugh.

Remus was struck suddenly with the realization that he’d failed to examine past issues of  _ The Daily Prophet _ . He knew that the library kept records of them somewhere, but he’d never done research in the newspapers before. 

He made his way towards the back of the library where newspaper records were kept. Cautiously, he pulled out the scroll listing various topics and the newspaper issues that addressed them. 

He skimmed through the A’s and B’s, slowing only when he reached the C section. He flicked through  _ Cats, magical _ , and  _ Cabernathy, Reginald (potioneer) _ trailing his finger down the page.  _ There _ . His heart gave a small jolt.  _ Camden Trial _ was apparently a topic that had been covered in several issues of  _ The Daily Prophet _ in 1965. Remus had been five at the time. A year before he’d been bitten.

He made his way over to the shelves of old newspapers, pulling down the 1965 rack of papers. He sifted through them until he found the right issue, then began flipping through the pages. He passed an article about a bewitched teapot causing third degree burns, and another one about upcoming ministry elections.

It was on the third page that a title caught his eye:  _ Two Killed in Werewolf Attack in Camden.  _ He smoothed the page out and brought his wand closer to better read the narrow type, the paper itself yellow and crumpled with age.

_ Two muggle children aged seven and four were killed by a pack of werewolves yesterday in the London suburb of Camden. It is believed that the perpetrators were acting on orders from Death Eaters. Several of the suspected attackers were apprehended by aurors and brought into the ministry for questioning. Their trial is set to take place next week. _

The article continued on for another paragraph, but offered no further information about either Fenrir Greyback or Remus’s father.

Remus reached for the next paper in the stack. Bold type on the front page immediately grabbed his attention:  _ Shocking Turn in Camden Trial Outs Another Suspect _

_ LONDON- As werewolf rights within wizarding society continue to be hotly debated, the Camden werewolf trial has taken another shocking twist. In what has been widely viewed as an act of ministry incompetence, three suspected werewolves accused of murder have escaped ministry custody and remain at large.  _

_ One of the suspects brought into ministry custody on Tuesday for questioning was Fenrir Greyback, a wandless man found at the scene of the crime whom aurors believed to be a muggle. His proximity to the group of alleged attackers led ministry officials to believe he might be able to offer key testimony as a witness. _

_ When brought in front of the Wizengamot, Greyback claimed to be a muggle, and appeared shocked at the existence of magic and a wizarding society. Greyback was asked to testify regarding the werewolf attack that occurred last week and claimed the lives of two children, however, he claimed he had not witnessed the attack take place.  _

_ In response to this professed lack of knowledge, the court moved to release Greyback from custody and modify his memory. However, one court member voted strongly against this motion. Lyall Lupin, an employee in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures brought in to consult on the werewolf elements of the case, objected to releasing Greyback. Lupin, a longtime advocate for harsher ministry treatment of werewolves, proceeded to voice the opinion that he believed Greyback himself to be a werewolf, throwing the court proceedings into an uproar. _

_ Lupin offered a stinging critique of the lax protocols surrounding the Werewolf Registry, claiming that it would be “entirely possible for a werewolf to remain hidden from you fools his whole life,” as he alleged that Greyback had done. Lupin, in a minority opinion, recommended that Greyback be kept in ministry custody until the next full moon to factually establish his status as a werewolf.  _

_ Other members of the Wizengamot, however, found Lupin’s suggestion to be absurd, taking particular umbrage at his criticisms of the Werewolf Registry and the ministry's werewolf policies in general. The Wizengamot voted against Lupin, and in favor of releasing Greyback. _

_ In response, Lupin voiced harsh criticism of the ministry’s stance on werewolves, accusing the ministry of being overly lenient in their treatment of them. Lupin has most recently proposed a series of legislation stripping werewolves of the ability to carry wands, and has additionally pushed for the re-classification of werewolves from “being” status to “beast.” The ministry is set to vote on the bill in January. Lupin concluded his rant with a direct attack on all werewolves, describing them as “soulless evil, deserving of nothing but death.” _

_ Greyback was subsequently released from ministry custody. However, early Thursday morning, before a memory charm could be placed upon him, he overpowered the wizard performing the charm, and escaped the ministry with two other suspects from the trial, both known werewolves listed within the registry. _

_ “Well really, I don’t see how we could have known he was a werewolf just based off of Lupin’s suggestion,” blustered one ministry official, who asked to remain anonymous, “Lupin thinks everyone he doesn’t like is a werewolf! And besides, he seemed perfectly well-mannered and shocked by magic’s existence right up until the moment he escaped!” _

_ Lyall Lupin could not be reached for comment. _

_ The ministry has launched a full investigation into the matter, and has issued a statement that all three men should be treated as werewolves involved in illicit death eater activity. Any knowledge as to their whereabouts should be immediately reported to the ministry.  _

Remus’s heart was pounding, he couldn’t seem to stop himself, he just kept re-reading the line  _ “soulless evil, deserving of nothing but death.” _ over and over. His own father had said that. 

He felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. 

He’d almost forgotten where he was, forgotten he was out of bed past curfew and had broken into the library, when the muffled sound of footsteps coming down the aisle of shelves towards him jolted him back to reality. Remus threw the invisibility cloak back over himself just as a boy emerged from around the row of bookshelves.

It was Sirius.

Sirius glanced at the pile of newspapers on the floor and then in the direction of where Remus was standing, invisible.

“Remus,” he hissed, “I know you’re here.”

Remus didn’t want to face Sirius. He didn’t want Sirius to know what his father had said. What Greyback had done. Maybe if he remained very still…

But no, Sirius took several steps forward, his hands outstretched, until they brushed against one of the folds of the cloak and he tugged it off in one smooth motion.

He took in Remus’s face and his expression softened, “What did you find?” he asked gently.

Remus shook his head wordlessly. He was afraid to speak. There was a large lump in his throat. Perhaps Sirius would believe he hadn’t found anything at all.

Sirius glanced down at Remus’s hands, and Remus froze. He had forgotten, he was still holding the article. With infinite gentleness, Sirius pulled the article from his grip.

He was silent as he read, first the earlier article, and then the second, worse one. His eyebrows furrowed into a harsh line halfway through, and then just before he reached the end his eyes widened in shock, before he quickly attempted to smooth his face into a more neutral expression. He finished reading and looked back up into Remus’s frozen face.

“Come here,” he said roughly, as he pulled Remus into a tight hug, “you’re going to be okay.”

Remus still didn’t trust himself to speak. He sank wordlessly to the floor, newspapers spread around him.

Sirius sat down across from him, a worried expression on his face.

“And...you didn’t know anything before?” he asked finally.

Remus shook his head. “Well,” he amended after a moment, horrified at how wobbly his voice sounded, “I knew the name of the werewolf who attacked me.” he couldn’t bring himself to say Fenrir Greyback, “my father mentioned it accidentally a few times over the years. He didn’t want me to know about... _ this _ I suppose.” he laughed bitterly, “I always pitied him…”

“Who?” Sirius asked cautiously.

“The werewolf who attacked me. I knew exactly what it felt like to lose control, to want to hurt someone so badly, to be so overpowered by the desire to bite a human that you forget that you, yourself, are human. I felt so sorry for him, I imagined him realizing what he’d done the moment he transformed back, the all-consuming guilt once he understood he’d infected another human...that he’d infected  _ me _ …” anger had begun to pound through Remus, 

“that was naive of me. It was revenge.” he said bitterly, “I’m sure he was lying in wait outside my window. I always wondered why he was foolish enough to transform so close to where humans lived. But he wanted this. He wanted to hurt me. Because of...what my father said…” he trailed off, the most painful part of what he’d read still throbbing in his chest, “my father thinks I deserve death,” he whispered, feeling tortured.

“Remus...that’s...that’s not true. Your father loves you.”

But Remus was shaking his head, “Sirius,” his voice was nothing more than a choked whisper now, “there’s more that I remember about the...attack…” his eyes fixed on a dusty patch of carpet, he refused to look Sirius in the face.

Sirius gently guided his chin up so they were eye to eye again, “So tell me,” he said firmly, “talk to me Remus. That’s what I’m here for.”

Remus was silent for a long moment, struggling to breath normally, before he began. His voice sounded blank and detached to his own ears, 

“I was six years old. You know that. I was asleep in bed when suddenly the sound of breaking glass woke me up. I opened my eyes and...it was like every nightmare that you have as a kid...but  _ real _ . This huge, horrible wolf with red eyes and fangs was in my room, growling at me. I started screaming and screaming...because that’s always the way it works in nightmares...if you scream for long enough than your parents come and wake you up. They...save you,” 

the words were tumbling out now, “but this was real. And it didn’t work. And a second later he’d lunged at me, and he was biting me and clawing me. And I’d never felt such pain before in my life. I was sure that I would die. 

“But then the door to my room burst open and my parents  _ were _ there. My father repelled him with his wand, forcing him back out the window. I think he wanted to hunt him down. To kill him. Because he started towards the window himself, but my mother held him back. I was in dire need of healing, and you know she’s a muggle, so he was the only one who could help. He started casting every healing spell he knew at me while I lay there screaming. Eventually, I blacked out…” he trailed off.

“He...was trying to save you, even though you’d been bitten,” Sirius said gently.

Remus shook his head, “No.” he whispered, “a healer was summoned, and even she didn’t have the capabilities to truly help me as I lay there in agony, the venom coursing through my veins. I...I heard her whispering to my parents...they thought I couldn’t hear….” he couldn’t go on.

“Tell me.” Sirius said, the fierceness of his gaze holding Remus’s eyes captive.

Remus took a deep breath, “She said I might die.” he said finally, “She told my parents they needed to bring me to St. Mungo’s. And….my father...my father said no.” There. He’d gotten it out. The part of the memory that had skirted around the hazy edges of his mind, that he’d never been able to confront head on. 

“He...he would rather I’d died than live with the shame of everyone knowing that his son had become...a soulless monster…” he trailed off, his voice nothing more than a wrenched whisper. Waves of misery were crashing through his chest. His father would have let him die. His father would have let him die.

Sirius looked very pale, “Remus…” he seemed at a loss for words, “God...that’s  _ awful _ . I’m not going to pretend it’s not.” 

“He was right,” Remus said bitterly, “I am a monster. All I know how to do is hurt. I wish I had died that night. I would have saved him and everyone else a lot of trouble.”

“Stop it! Stop talking like that!” Sirius said fiercely, “you know that’s not true!”

“You don’t understand,” Remus said tonelessly, “I need to cause pain. That’s a part of me now.”

Sirius was shaking his head, and Remus knew that he’d never stop arguing with him. But he needed to know that he was  _ wrong _ . The part of Remus that had kept hurting Sirius this week was the real Remus.

Silently he tugged off his sweater, and began unbuttoning his pyjama top, his fingers clumsy through the bandages. 

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked, confusion written across his face.

Remus didn’t respond, he undid the last button and shrugged off his shirt. The moonlight glinted off his bare chest, highlighting the hundreds of shiny scars that criss-crossed his torso and arms. They were jagged and uneven, the marks of werewolf claws.

“Remus,” sadness had filled Sirius’s eyes, “I  _ know _ ...but scars just remind us of everything we’ve survived.” 

Sirius paused for a minute, his gaze taking in every mark etched across Remus’s skin, “It’s not your fault you hurt yourself when you transform...you’re not in control.” he said finally.

“It’s not true,” Remus whispered, heart thudding, “when the wolf is in control, that’s when I destroy tables and chairs and gouge holes in the wall...but every time I transform I have flashes when I remember I’m human...when I remember who I am…” 

he could barely get the words out now, but he needed to say it, “and it’s only  _ then _ that I...hurt myself…I knew exactly what I was doing every time I created one of these scars,” tears streaked down his cheeks. He hated himself, who he was, who he always would be. He was imprisoned within a broken body. Missing a soul. 

He was crying now, silent, gasping sobs, crumpled newspapers strewn around him, reminders of a past which had indelibly shaped his future.

He curled into a ball, clutching his head in his hands. He didn’t want Sirius to see him like this anymore. Because he had finally revealed everything. And now Sirius knew the real Remus. 

A moment later, he felt Sirius’s arms around him, holding him while he sobbed. His touch was warm against Remus’s bare skin. 

Remus had never felt so lost, so distant from himself, even in the depths of his transformations. It was as though he was viewing his life from a great distance, and he was unable to make sense of it. The only thing keeping him remotely tethered to himself was Sirius’s touch, shocking his skin every place their arms met. 

He didn’t know how long he sat, huddled on the floor, Sirius clutching him tight, it could have been hours, or perhaps merely minutes. All he knew was that he had spent all his tears, and his breathing had at last slowed. Taking one last shuddering breath, he uncurled himself and finally met Sirius’s eyes.

He had never seen Sirius look so sad before. There were endless layers to his dark eyes, and Remus wished he knew what they meant. 

He suddenly became aware that he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and that if not for Sirius’s arms around him, he would be very cold. Embarrassed, he pulled himself out from Sirius’s grasp and quickly shrugged back on his pyjama top and sweater, pulling the sleeves fully down to once again cover the constellation of scars scratched into his arms. 

But Sirius didn’t seem to be done holding him yet. He tugged Remus back into his arms, and after a moment of pulling away, Remus gave in, and allowed himself to be held tightly. He was being stupid, he knew, but then again so was Sirius, and he felt infinitly safer with Sirius shielding him from the world. He tucked his head against Sirius’s chest, gently rising and falling as he breathed, and closed his eyes.

“Parents are idiots,” Sirius said finally, from above Remus’s head.

Remus didn’t respond. He was trying very hard to think only about the fact that Sirius was holding him, to memorize the feeling of Sirius’s arms around him, and not to think any longer about what he’d read or what he’d told Sirius.

“I mean, you know about mine obviously,” Sirius continued bracingly, “but...your dad...he said something stupid. And did something stupid too - with you and St. Mungo’s and everything...but I’ve met him, and Remus, he really loves you. I know it. You know it too. He’s human. He messed up. Just like my parents have done a thousand times. Just like I’ve done a thousand times. Just like you’ve done a thousand times. 

“That doesn't mean I don’t think you should talk about this with him.” Sirius continued, “I just think that you can have that conversation while still entertaining the possibility of reconciliation. I- I wish I could have that with my parents...but…” he trailed off. 

Remus was silent, focused only on the gentle rise and fall of Sirius’s chest.

“Becoming an adult means coming to terms with the loss of all your structures of stability.” Sirius said after another moment. “Dumbledore said that to me once,” Remus felt Sirius shoulder’s move as he shrugged, “I think he was talking about my parents. About parents in general. We think they’re infallible. That they’re there to protect us. And that they can do no wrong. Until the day that we get old enough to know better. And then...then it’s scary. Because it seems like nothing in the world is steady anymore. Like maybe there’s nothing left to believe in.”

There was a long silence between them

“Sirius,” his voice came out nothing more than a hoarse whisper, his head was leaning against Sirius’s chest, and he could hear Sirius’s heart thudding, “why do you care about me?” for he had searched and searched his brain, and could come up with no reason why Sirius should be out of bed in the middle of the night, once again taking care of him.

“God, Remus,” Sirius sounded frustrated.

Remus almost lifted his head to examine Sirius’s face, but he was growing rather fond of lying curled in Sirius’s arms, and didn’t want it to end. They couldn’t keep doing things like this. And if this was the last time it happened, Remus wanted it to go on for as long as possible. 

“Don’t start this again.” Sirius said after a moment, “You know how I feel.” 

Remus’s heart twisted painfully. He couldn’t bear the thought that Sirius might think Remus didn’t want him. That was the furthest thing possible from the truth. He needed to be honest.

“I’m scared...I’m going to hurt you,” he whispered, finally.

“That’s stupid,” Sirius said coldly.

“It’s  _ not _ !” Remus insisted, the words felt wrenched from somewhere deep within him, “Listen to me! See me for what I  _ am _ ! I hurt myself...on purpose. Someday...I’m going to become Fenrir Greyback, and I’ll hurt others on purpose too. It’s my essence. My destiny. I can’t run from it, but you can. And Sirius...if there’s anything I can do to keep you safe, I’d do it. The further away I stay from you the safer you are.” he inched closer to Sirius, “though apparently I’m rubbish at doing even that,” he whispered.

Sirius was quiet for so long that Remus wondered if he’d even heard him.

“Remus,” he eventually said, his voice soft and sad, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I want you. I believe in you. I trust you.” he was silent for a long moment and Remus felt his breath catch in his throat,

“But you’re right.” Sirius continued, and Remus’s heart sank, “Nothing can happen until you trust yourself.” he sighed and his arms tightened imperceptibly around Remus, “You are so good Remus. Open your eyes to that.” 

“I just want you to be with someone who won’t hurt you,” Remus whispered brokenly, “even if you don’t realize it, I know that I will.”

Sirius shook his head sadly, but said nothing more.

They stayed tangled together for a long while after that in silence, content to listen to each other’s breathing. Eventually Remus looked up at Sirius’s face. He wanted to examine every inch of it while they were this close. Pale moonlight gleamed through the window, illuminating Sirius’s profile with its silvery light. Remus usually hated the moon, but he was momentarily grateful for it. He could see the faint freckles spilling across Sirius’s nose, his thick black eyelashes casting shadows across his cheeks. Sirius glanced down and their eyes met. Remus looked away, tucking himself tighter against Sirius’s chest. He felt Sirius sigh. 

Remus felt as though he were standing on the edge of a precipice, and when Sirius let go of him for what he knew had to be the last time, he would fall. It was for the best. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Eventually the sky outside the window lightened to pale grey, Remus heard the faint twittering of birds, and he knew it had to end. If Sirius wasn’t going to do it, it would have to be Remus. He’d said he was going to protect him, and he could start right now.

He brought his arms around Sirius, hugged him very tightly for a moment, his cheek resting against Sirius’s shoulder, before he broke the embrace and got to his feet. 

Sirius looked up at him sadly.

“We’ll be okay,” Remus tried to say, but his voice cracked horribly on the word ‘okay,’ and he looked away from Sirius. 

Sirius stood up, and began picking up newspapers from the floor, stuffing them at random into folders. Remus sighed, and pulled out what he’d shoved away, re-filing them into the correct places. He paused with bated breath for a moment, waiting until Sirius had turned away, and then slipped the article about the trial into his pocket.

Sirius picked up the invisibility cloak from the floor and held it out to Remus. They’d grown too tall to share it. 

“No. you take it,” Remus said firmly, “it’ll only be my first warning if they catch me out of bed.”

Sirius shrugged, but put it on. They walked back to Gryffindor tower in silence, the only reassurance Remus had that Sirius was, indeed, still with him, was the very faint sound of his breathing from beneath the cloak. 

They both fell into bed as the first rays of dawn broke through the window. Remus knew he couldn't sleep after everything that had happened, and he fixed his eyes on the golden-orange rays beaming in through the window.

After a moment, he rolled over to instead look at Sirius’s still form beneath his blankets. He was facing away from Remus and all Remus could see was the tousled back of his head. But Remus didn’t care. It was enough. He sighed deeply, then turned away, pulling his covers up over his head.


	12. Chapter 12

He lay in bed for hours after that, hiding beneath his blankets. He didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. He didn’t even want to think anymore. It hurt too much.

He heard the muffled sounds of James getting up, leaving their room for breakfast, and eventually returning.

Distantly, through his layers of blankets, he could just make out a whispered conversation taking place between James and Sirius. He was sure they were talking about him, but he couldn’t summon the energy to care.

His hands still ached through the bandages Madame Pomfrey had wrapped them in, but he liked the dull pain, it gave him something to focus on, to quiet the incessant chatter of his mind as it tried to make sense of what he’d read last night.

_ Your father hates you _ . He thought to himself. Another voice in his head, that sounded remarkably like Sirius, argued back that that wasn’t true. But Remus felt so empty. It didn’t matter either way. He was a werewolf and nothing could be done to fix that. You couldn’t change the past, only learn to accept it. But Remus wasn’t sure if he could ever accept himself.

Eventually he opened his eyes and dared to peek out from under his covers. Afternoon sunlight filtered through the window, and the room was blessedly empty. He couldn’t stay here all day though. Sirius and James would be back eventually. And he didn’t want to face them.

He sat up, noticing a plate of toast and a cold cup of tea on the floor next to his bed, certainly left by James or Sirius, but he ignored the tray, stepping over it.

There was a numbness in his arms and legs as he got dressed, and cautiously made his way down the staircase to the common room.

It was fairly crowded, but as Remus scanned the faces of the students, he was relieved to not find Sirius, James, or Lily among them.

He had just reached the portrait hole to leave, when a small voice stopped him.

“Er, excuse me,” he turned around to find a small, first year girl eyeing him nervously, “you’re a prefect, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat, trying not to betray how scratchy it sounded from crying.

“I was wondering if you could help me,” she said hesitantly, “I’ve accidentally dropped my remembrall in the fireplace and…” she looked embarrassed, “I’m too scared to get it out.”

“Yeah, no problem,” he was trying very hard to sound normal. He followed her back to the fireplace, where a few other first years were sitting around a chessboard. They gave Remus slightly awed looks as he approached. 

The remembrall was indeed lodged towards the back of the fireplace, on top of a gently smoldering log. Remus picked up the poker lying next to the fireplace and nudged the ball towards him. It rolled forward slightly before catching on another log. He sighed, and poked it again, finally rolling it out of the fireplace, where it lay, slightly blackened, on the floor.

“Thank you!” the girl said delightedly, fanning it with her hands to cool it off, “my parents would’ve killed me. That would have been the third one I lost.”

“‘Course,” Remus attempted a smile, “Merry Christmas.”

He was about to turn to leave when something in the fireplace caught his eye. Resting half-submerged in a heap of ashes was a scrap of parchment with familiar looking handwriting on it. 

Remus paused for a moment, and then bent down to pull out the paper. The words were smudged from the heat, and the edges of the paper blackened and burned. It was clearly one small scrap of a larger letter, but he could just make out the writing.

_ Sometimes it feels like there’s only you and me, everything, everyone else, they just revolve around us. Not in a conceited way. More like we’re the main characters in a book that we’re the only ones reading.  _

_ I know I’ve messed up. And I’m sorry. More sorry than you know. But please Lily, _

Remus was jolted with the sudden realization as to why the handwriting looked familiar. It was the letter Snape had given him for Lily.

_ I would be lost without your friendship. I am lost without it. We’re not the same people we were when we met each other, but that doesn’t mean it’s over. It’s the ways in which other people remain constantly shifting mysteries that make them so interesting. The ways in which people are completely unknowable no matter how well we know them. Our friendship is a mystery that I want to keep solving. And I think everything standing between us is just a reminder to keep fighting. Because what we have is important and real. I wish that- _

But the rest of the line was missing, and Remus would never know what Snape wished.

He suddenly realized that the first-years were still watching him, wide-eyed, and he flushed, quickly stuffing the piece of parchment into his pocket and walking towards the portrait hole.

He felt like he’d accidentally just witnessed an intimate moment between two people, and he felt guilty for intruding. 

But he couldn’t help thinking about himself and Sirius.  _ Everything standing between us is just a reminder to keep fighting. Because what we have is important, and real.  _ The line echoed in his mind. Another wave of misery washed over him. There wasn’t much standing between the two of them. It was mostly just Remus. 

He walked quickly towards the third floor, ducking behind tapestries and hidden doors, trying to avoid as many people as possible.

He couldn’t go back to the library. It felt sullied after what he’d found there.

Pushing open the door, he walked into an empty classroom, his footsteps echoing slightly in the large room. He settled himself at a desk in the back, then pulled out his Charms textbook. Forcing himself to read the lines of the text over and over again, he tried to quiet his frantic thoughts with the dull, comforting stability of a textbook. He couldn’t stand thinking anymore. 

Lost in studying, he nearly didn’t notice when the door to the classroom creaked open.

He glanced up to find James sliding into the desk next to him.

“Hi,” James grinned.

“Hey,” Remus mumbled, flushing a dull red. He was always hiding these days it seemed, he always had something he was running from.

“You okay?” James asked cautiously.

Remus shrugged, not trusting himself to answer.

“Yeah,” James sighed, “I thought so.”

“What did Sirius tell you?” Remus asked defensively.

“Nothing!” James protested, “I haven’t even seen him since lunch! All he said was that you were going through something difficult.”

“Oh.”

“Do you want to talk about?”

“No.” Remus answered shortly, fixing his gaze back on the textbook.

“That’s fine.” James said calmly, “I just wanted to let you know that you can talk to me about it whenever you’re ready.”

Remus was still looking at the words on the page. Something about a vanishing charm. He wished he could work the charm on himself.

“Thanks.” he said after a moment.

James sighed again, “I want us to have a good holiday.” he said finally, “I think we’ve earned it. You are coming tonight, aren’t you?”

“Tonight?”

“The Christmas feast, it’s Christmas Eve” James said slowly, looking at him like he was stupid, “amazing food, the professors getting tipsy, all that good stuff,”

“Tonight is...the full moon,” Remus said eventually, not meeting James’s eyes. For that was the thing about the moon, it came for him whenever it pleased, whether he liked it or not. It didn’t matter that his body was aching, that his mind was spinning, the pain was coming for him and there was nowhere to run. 

“Of course,” James smacked his forehead, “I’m an idiot. Well, Sirius and I will be coming with you obviously.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Remus said fiercely, “I’ve messed things up enough lately. Go and enjoy the feast. I’ll be fine.”

“Nah,” James said casually, “wouldn’t feel like Christmas without you. And besides, you know we actually  _ like _ running around as animals, don’t you?”

“I mean it,” Remus protested, “it’s bad enough you’re stuck at Hogwarts, you might as well enjoy your holiday.”

“Remus,” James said, exasperated, “don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes you just don’t know when to shut up. Sirius and I are coming with you and that’s final.”

“I think...I’ve made things difficult enough for Sirius.” Remus said quietly. “He deserves a break.” 

“That’s still going on then, is it?” James eyed him curiously, “No, never mind, you don’t have to tell me anything,” he added hastily, as Remus flushed a deep crimson.

“Regardless,” he said briskly, “I’ll be there with you tonight. I’ve been looking forward to exploring the South-East area of the Forbidden Forest, y’know, near the little lake with all the grindylows.”

There didn’t seem to be a point in arguing any further, so finally, Remus nodded, still feeling guilty at denying James his holiday feast.

“Let’s go back to the common room,” James said gently, “there’s no point sitting in this drafty old classroom for any longer. And we’ve still got an hour or two before it gets dark.”

They were halfway back to Gryffindor tower, when a boy rounded the corner at top speed, skidding to a halt when he saw them.

It was Regulus, his eyes were red as though he’d been crying, and he seemed out of breath.

“Are you all right?” Remus asked, worried.

“I’ve been looking for you two...everywhere,” he panted, “it’s - it’s Sirius,”

“Is he okay?” Remus felt a shock of fear travel through his body.

Regulus shook his head miserably.

“What happened?” James asked urgently.

“He...he got a letter from our parents,” Regulus stammered, seeming barely able to get out the words, “I don’t know exactly what happened...but they told him not to come home this summer...not to come home ever again...they’re kicking him out.” a tear streaked down Regulus’s cheek, and he angrily brushed it away.

“Where is he?” Remus asked harshly. For he could only imagine how upset Sirius was right now. How much pain he was in. How reckless he was being. 

“I - I don’t know,” Regulus said miserably, “I followed him into the forest, but he started running and I couldn’t keep up and I lost him...I was looking for him for hours after that, but I couldn’t find him, and it’s starting to get dark, and it looks like it’s going to snow,” his words tumbled over each other, “and…” he trailed off sounding scared, “what if he doesn’t come back tonight?”

“We’ll help look for him,” James said firmly, “it’s going to be okay.”

“But...the forest is off limits, and he’s only one warning away from getting suspended...and if he does...well, he doesn’t have anywhere to go now.” Regulus looked pained, “Please - just- don’t tell any of the Professors,”

“Of course not,” James quickly agreed, “not unless…” he hesitated and glanced over at Remus’s face, “unless we think Sirius might actually be in danger,” he concluded softly.

“We’ll find him,” Remus attempted to sound calm for Reguls’s sake, “he’s going to be fine.”

They ran down the staircases and across the entryway towards the front hall. They had just pushed open the heavy oak doors when a voice behind them froze them in their tracks.

“Potter, Lupin, Black,” 

They slowly turned to find Professor McGonagall standing behind them, eyeing them suspiciously. “Where are you three off to?”

“Er- we just wanted a bit of fresh air before the feast, Professor,” James answered quickly, offering a charming smile.

“The feast is starting soon,” she still looked suspicious, “and students are not to be out of the castle after dark. So I expect to see all of you back before then.” 

Giving them one last stern look, she strode off, her robes flowing behind her.

“What are we going to do?” Regulus asked miserably.

“We’ll start looking now,” James said firmly, “we might find him before dark.”

They walked rapidly through the twisted bare trees, heading deeper and deeper into the forest as the sun sank lower in the sky.

“This is where I lost him,” Regulus said finally, slightly out of breath, as they reached a snowy clearing deep within the forest.

“Right,” James said firmly, “I’ll keep going forward, Remus goes to the right, and you to the left. We’ll meet back here in fifteen minutes.”

Remus stumbled onwards, branches catching on his robes, the ground rough beneath his feet. The temperature had also dropped significantly, he felt his face rubbing raw in the cold wind.

“Sirius!” He called into the dark forest, the twisting branches leering ominously ahead of him, but he heard no response. He peered through thick bracken and behind gnarled tree trunks, but found no sign of Sirius.

It seemed too short, but before he knew it, he was walking rapidly back towards the clearing to meet James and Regulus. He emerged to find them already standing there.

Regulus’s eyes lit up for a moment when he saw Remus, but then faded again when it became evident that Remus was alone.

Remus shook his head at James’s questioning look.

James sighed and rumpled his hair, looking lost.

Remus glanced up at the sky and his heart dropped, it was close to dusk, and the sky had taken on an ominous orange tinge, covered over with whirling grey clouds. A storm was coming.

“It’s nearly dark,” there was an urgency to his tone, Regulus could not be here when he transformed, “you two need to get out of here!”

“He’ll probably come back soon on his own,” Regulus said softly, as though trying to comfort himself.

“Yeah, c’mon Regulus, let’s get back to the castle,” James tugged him by the arm.

“Isn’t Remus coming with us?” Regulus asked uncertainly.

“N-no…” James trailed off, “he’s got...special permission to be out late.”

Regulus looked confused, but didn’t question him any further. He turned back towards the castle.

James tugged Remus to the side, “right,” he muttered in a low voice so that Regulus couldn’t hear, “you’ll keep looking for him, obviously. But -” he looked nervous, “you’ve never transformed outside of the Shrieking Shack without us to...keep you in check. Can you manage it?”

“I don’t know,” he shot James an agonized look, “I don’t...trust myself without you lot around.” 

He paused, thinking over his options.

“I...I can’t keep looking for him.” he said finally, his voice coming out a guilty whisper, “I’m too dangerous on my own.” He looked away from James.

“No...it’s fine, of course,” James said worriedly, “I’ll just have to sneak out after the feast is all, I’ll come get you then and we’ll keep looking.”

Remus looked up at the sky yet again. It was nearly dark. “Get out of here.” his voice shook slightly, “ _ now! _ ”

He began running through the trees away from James and Regulus and towards the shrieking shack. He needed to make sure he was far away from them.


End file.
